A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have been with my bf for 2 and a half years now. I know we both love eachother. we don't live together yet. what really bothers me is my bf has never had a car or licence so I am always the one who has to drive to see him or drive where ever we go. hehas only offered me petrol money once because I said something. we take it in turns paying for movies, lunch n dinner etc. he never buys me any gifts or birthday presents. my last birthday I didn't even get a card, after I said something his excuse was he didn't know any shops that were open on Sundays. I'm really upset and don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2011): Thanks abella for your response. It was very helpful. I'm still unsure what to do, as there is also another huge problem I am facing..my bf is from India, he has completed his masters in international business here in Australia, and he is going to stay here and hopefully open a business. But his family all live in India..they have never been here nor have I been over there to India. I am not acknowledged by any of his family, they never talk about me or have never said a simple hello. I am extremely upset about this. My bf has told me they do know about me but he says his family are hard to talk to about certain things..both his brother and sister have had arranged marriages :( Im so confused as what to do, I feel that to his family I would never be what they want for their son and they would never approve!
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 Generosity of spirit in a relationship is so important. It is how he demonstrates by his actions that he values you, appreciates you.
Words alone just do not cut it.
And if he can lift his game you need to make sure that you respond very appreciately. Making sure he knows that you love the gift and his thoughtfulness, and why you love it.
Other than meaness or thoughtfuless thinking or just plain ignorance I cannot imagine why he does not realise this IS important.
He has offered really lame excuses. There are 365 days of the year. You have been together two and a half years and already he is forgetting your birthday? Disgraceful lack of consideration and a lack of empathy on his part.
And if 'no money' is another excuse he could still make a loving card, by hand. Suggest he go on-line to the 'MarthaStewart' 'Living' pages on the Internet. Lots of hand made card ideas there that he can make at home.
This is Soooo hurtful on his part. And I'm not buying any lame excuses such as, 'he forgot' or buying presents is 'too
commercial'
There are many 24/7 Convenient shops that sell everything, including Cards and ribbons and wrapping paper
And nor am I going to listen to any 'guilt trips' on you being 'too demanding' IF he has tried that 'furphy' excuse.
Part of a loving relationship is working out ways to delight each other. But not one sided delight.
One partner is often a little more or a lot more generous than the other.
But if one partner is generous and the other one does nothing this is unfair because it is not understanding the partner properly.
Just a reminder to your guy. He needs to be more aware of the things you love. Do not suffer in silence.
He should be able to answer the following questions, in an instant. For it will make gift giving easier.
So what is/are your favorite:
Colors/flowers/scent/body lotion products/author/type of books/interests/artists/film actor/destination/animal/leisure activites/hobbies/film/sport/city/icecream/restaurant/style of food/type of clothing/fabric/style of home/historic period/symbol/white gold or platinum or other/ gem stone/precious stone/music/singer/
Event likes attending/style of decorating. The list goes on. You can add to it.
Once he knows your favorite things then here is his annual schedule 12 months in advance. So he does not try to hide behind any excuse; namely:
Your birthday/Valentine's day/Easter/The day you met/any other event just because you ar you/and Christmas. In times he may even need to add 'Mother's Day' as well. And encourage any children to be generous too, towards you.
No excuses will suffice.
Presents should be thoughtfully chosen. No prices still attached. Presents must be nicely wraped. A card should accompany a present. Presents can be delivered over a dinner on the day, or on a date the night before the event. Flowers can accompany a present but are not instead of a thoughtfully chosen present.
How much a present cost should not be divulged.
Breakfast in bed is nice, but it is Not a present in lieu of one of the presents above, it is additional.
A present does not have to be expensive.
A hand made present, done very well is always very cherished, if appropriate.
If he gave a silver locket last time he can't keep giving the same present.
Cheeky presents (a skimpy teddy/a sex toy) are additional presents (designed for 50percent his pleasure) and are intimate private presents not part of the other official present days listed above. They are not to be given in family situations (Christmas in front of the family) where unwrapping them may cause embarassment in from of Great Aunt Martha..
Good luck with trying to spark his generosity. If he will not try to understand why this is important, Now, then things will only get worse.
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