A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Is it normal for my boyfriend to look at another woman while with me? It really makes me feel awful and I've told him this many times but he doesn't seem to stop. Please help! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009): I'm fed up with all the answers to the "boyfriend staring at other women" that claim this is normal acceptable guy behavior and the woman is just insecure. I've experienced my boyfriend staring/flirting with other women, and that sort of answer is absolute nonsense. Sure, if an attractive woman is in the vicinity, and your boyfriend notices her beauty, not a problem. But that is not what is happening. It goes way beyond just noticing a woman is attractive. I believe most of these women who complain are NOT crazy or insecure. They are being devalued by the man they are with and they are very rightfully upset about it. Emotionally, they are mixed up. They love their boyfriend, enjoy his company, want to be in a loving and intimate relationship with him, but he has to ruin the joy and intimacy by his thoughtlessness and lasciviousness. Why? (Personally, I think these men are programmed by all the media that portrays women as sex objects. Sure, there are natural tendencies (testosterone) in men to pursue a woman, but men are moving far beyond the natural tendencies to lewd and lascivious behaviors.) When the woman complains about this behavior, that he would NEVER put up with from her, he think she's oversensitive. Absolute nonsense! You know why women to behave like this in turn? Well, maybe the media hasn't dehumanized men the same way it has women, (actually, no maybe about that.) When I asked my boyfriend how he would like it if I checked out good-looking rich men, he acknowledged he would not like it. I speak from personal experience. I was so into my boyfriend and loved to pamper him with massages and plenty of fun-loving sex. Now, after too many memories of him staring at another woman, sometimes even striking up a little cat and mouse banter with a few of them, I cannot stand the thought of being physically intimate with him. What am I, just some woman he settled for because he doesn't have the kahunies to ask that other woman out? I know that's not what I am, therefore this is not about my insecurity. It's obvious he values that fake platinum blond, sun-lamped tanned, woman he saw in the coffee shop. Or, he wants pretty woman he saw at the supermarket. He's let me know many times that he wants something different than me. I am 5'4, I don't have big fake boobs (just big real ones), I don't dye my hair platinum blond. I get it, I'm not the ideal woman. Even if I looked like an ideal woman, I don't think that would stop his behavior. And it's not like he's a Mr.GQ, that's for sure. If you want to compare, I look better than him. What disconcerts me even more than the lascivious behavior of these men, is how some women respond to it. I'm right there by my boyfriend's side, and these women are flattered that he is ogling them. It's like I'm just invisible. Many of them have smiled back at him, and a few have tried to keep the flirtations going in hopes of snagging him from me. He enjoys the thrill of being desired by other women. Meanwhile, his behavior leaves me feeling undesired, and now I no longer desire him. What a waste of a perfectly fine relationship. I'm fed up with feeling this pain, so I am exiting this relationship after 3 years. I know and accept what I am, and insecurity is not the problem here. The problem is that he has very little impulse control and obviously does not value our relationship or me very much. It sucks, because if he didn't exhibit this impulsive behavior, I would have looked so forward to growing old with him. Everything else about our relationship was really nice, but I cannot be happy when I feel such discontentment. His behavior causes me emotional hurt and I no longer feel safe with him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): It's normal. I stare at good looking men when out with my boyfriend. At least I know I am still alive. He does the same for good looking women. It's a natural reaction.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): its like i tell my wife,i am an admirer of beauty.its just like me going to a car show and seeing a low rider with the thin spokes, metalic paint,graphics,the cholo diamond tuck interior,etc,etc.i tell my wife its nothing id own, not even a car id drive,but i can admire all the time,and workmanship,planning,etc.,etc with the car
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): Thanks for all the advice guys! I really appreciate it!!
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (10 March 2009):
He probably doesn't even notice he's doing it.
It's probably subconscious.
So next time he does it, slap the back of his head. Once you've done that several times, his subconscious will associate looking at other women with pain and he might stop doing it.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, artian +, writes (10 March 2009):
 We all look what is around us.If I am in a relationship I still notice and look at other women. However, this does NOT mean I would choose to be with them.Obviously, when you met your partner he was looking at women to have noticed you and you the same. He would have noticed he liked your look (image) etc.so, he probably looks at them and looks at you and feels somewhat the same as when you met.Also, style is a factor. He maybe just checking out the styles of clothes etc other women dress in to keep you up to scratch and know what styles he likes on women. Wouldn't you notice if he become shabby compared to other men?Even if I fancied the ass off a woman I noticed or talked to whilst I am in a loving relationship I would let nothing happen.Yes, things do happen but there is nothing you can do about it so there is no point worrying about it. If someone is going to cheat they will probably do it anyway and you'll probably help them along if you get too jealous. So, nothing much you can do about it but communicate in a reasonable rational adult manner showing you feelings etc. and if something happens. leave and move on!
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A
female
reader, oish +, writes (10 March 2009):
 This depends on how hes checking them out.A glance in the way of a hot chick, fine.To full on gawk and stare or even turn around to look at their butts as they walk away(as my ex did),not fine at all. In that case,its very disrespectful and damaging to the relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): The problems associated to many relationships of the intimate sort, is that at least one partner is insecure or too controlling. Now, when I say "controlling", I am not specifically talking about controlling your partners actions. I am talking about your own psychological impediments. Human beings by nature has many intricate devices in their minds and their hormones that make up the way they are - aka "personality". You cannot assume that your boyfriend is disloyal to you for looking at other women. This is a natural phenomena when it comes for humans. You cannot expect that once someone has intimately been attached with another, they suddenly stop ALL of the personality traits that incorporate more than just intimacy with you. However, you can expect that your partner 'should' be loyal to you, while still 'enjoy' the sights and sounds around.If you cannot accept this natural occurrence in human behavior, then I would suggest you find a mate that will meet your insecurities and psychological control factors. Otherwise, you need to look at this with a broader scope.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I think this is normal for anyone
but not if he is constantly doing it..he is male afterall
but.. dont let him does this all the time!
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