A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,Yesterday my bf of 6 years told me he'd kissed a guy he knew, while drunk, full on the mouth during a concert a few months back. It happened in a joking context, he added. Because of this context, he does not see a problem with it. I do somehow and i'd like some views from you if thats possible.Do have a right to be upset or in any kind concerned? If it were a girl, this incident would be more severe right? Gender should not matter, a kiss is still a kiss!Can this count as cheating? Why is the act of kissing between for example girls, seen as an act of hotness and perhaps generally more accepted by their heterosexual bfs, but god forbid if it was a dude she kissed. Weird double standards here. Why should i accept my bf kissing another dude? Because it wasnt serious? Because he was 'just a dude' and not a girl?I shared my views with our mutual best friend, who happens to be gay. He described the situation as weird and he understood my uncomfortable feelings.However, your take on this matter would be very much appreciated :)
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 January 2017):
 I had a boyfriend once who drunkenly kissed my brother. Also just on a dare to test limits and have a good time. A kiss is a kiss though. I just told him (both my brother and then boyfriend) that I thought it was crossing the line and not ok. Not all boundaries are commonly understood and accepted, there are many gray areas of what one partner will accept and other doesn't accept. The right way to handle it is to talk about it after it happened and let your partner know you are not comfortable with it. Do not pass blame, he did this without bad intentions, and just didn't see it as something negative. Now he knows how you feel about it, and doesn't have to do it again. Problem solved.
People really do have different ideas about what is okay and not okay in a relationship. You should not be angry because he didn't have the same understanding of where the boundary goes as you do, because he can not read your mind and he is not you. You can be angry with him if he does it again despite knowing how you feel, but not when it's the first time he ever did this and it was done without bad intentions.
What constitutes cheating or not is up to each separate couple, there's really no standard rule that applies to all. But in general cheating is when you go behind your partners back. In this case, he did not go behind your back or made any attempt to hide what he did. So I vote for this NOT being cheating. It was done without bad intentions and he did not hide it from you. Agree that it will not happen again and let it go.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 Depends on what kind of kiss and too what degree of context it played in the 'joke' I suppose. A full on lingering french kiss is a bit different to a drunken "maaaaaaaaate....mwhah" Perhaps getting a clear explanation of what lead to the event may put it in a perspective with a little less sting?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): Hmmmmm. It would bother me a lot. It doesn't matter if he was drunk or not. You would think he would have enough sense to know what he was doing was wrong even if he was drunk. If it was a girl, it would be even worse. BUT he still kissed another person and he IS in a relationship. It would not sit well with me. And yes, it is cheating. See how it plays out. And if it starts to bother you more or are you able to put it behind you. It may create trust issues and a wedge between you. Wait and see. If you can put it behind you, try to do that. But some things are hard to forget. It all depends on the individual.I do think that instead of discussing your feelings with a mutual friend, you need to discuss them with your BOYFRIEND. And tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what you think about the incident. Tell him how he made you feel when he kissed someone else and that you are hurt by his actions. And let him explain himself. Never leave something like this undiscussed. You will resent him more, even if you don't want to; it would be inevitable if you let it sit and eat away at you.Only you will know what to do once you have a talk with your boyfriend. But do make sure you have that talk!!Just think this. Sometimes red flag behaviours are a warning sign of things to come. Or of tendencies people have. Is it a one off? Maybe. Or is this the beginning of a change in his behaviour and then a change to your relationship? All serious issues. They need to be resolved by speaking to your boyfriend.Make sure you do this. You are part of this relationship and he needs to act appropriately for a committed guy. So you need to tell him that this behaviour is not appreciated nor will it be tolerated. And if it happens again, you will have to reconsider if he is the man for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2017): Yeah there is a weird double standard for some reason. I dated a girl once and she had a mishap like this. Depends on your standards in the relationship but I imagine most have the rule of no kissing other people. If they aren't clear you need to make them. Interesting that he brought it up in passing to you. Whatever is upsetting you matters and you should be able to talk to him about it. I would bring it up to him as it made me feel this when you told about what happened the other night. See what kind of response you get and just tell him where your feelings are coming from. Hopefully he cares enough to have this conversation.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (1 January 2017):
 Gender doesn't matter. If he'd think kissing a girl (or you kissing a guy) would be cheating, this is too.
You have every right to be upset about it. I'm not sure I'd break up with my boyfriend over it, but only if he knew it was wrong and didn't want to get so drunk again. Your partner doesn't realise why it's not okay - I wouldn't stick with someone like that.
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