A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is nothing but a pothead. I can't stand it. He's stuck in a dead end minimum wage job because he can't pass a drug test. He never follows through with anything at all. All he does is get high then eat everything in the house. The biggest problem is we're going to have a baby come October. He says he will quit once the baby comes. I just don't know if I can believe him. I told him I don't want my baby around someone who smokes pot all day. I just can't trust him. I don't know if I should believe him or not. I told him he needs to quit now so that he will be able to get a better job so we can provide a good life for our child. He tells me I'm right, but then does nothing but smoke another joint. I told him he can't be a good dad and a pothead at the same time. He says thats not true. Should I believe that he will quit? I really don't want to be a single mom, but if I have to then I have to.
View related questions:
smokes Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): He needs your help, not your condemnation. I notice some of the other replies seemed to basically write this guy off as a hopeless evil junkie. In truth, pot is relatively harmless and easily the least worst of the various drugs (this includes alcohol and tobacco).
He could smoke it til the end of time, and it won't kill him or do any visible damage to any of you (apart from increasing his long-term risk of lung cancer, and exposing you and your kid to the same passive-smoking hazards inflicted by tobacco addicts).
However, if he smokes every day, it will seriously deplete his natural energy reserves, inhibit his general readiness to engage with the external work-a-day world, and this will impact negatively on his overall performance as a father.
You should ask him WHY he feels the need to get stoned every day. There is something fundamentally wrong with his relationship to the world he lives in, and he's the only one who can sort it out. He has become so used to pot, he psychologically BELIEVES he needs it to maintain an acceptable level of relaxation. Pot is NOT physically addictive, but a significant psychological dependence can develop with constant use, which results in discomfort and restlessness when it's not available. He's in a haze and needs to be brought out of it, but gradually and not too abruptly.
The rewards that await him if he gives up are immense: recovering potheads often experience a starburst of exhilaration as their mental clarity and physical vitality returns, and they become aware of how much real life has passed them by. The resulting transformation in job propects and general happiness is often very dramatic.
Tell him you've researched all this, that you're maybe prepared to let him indulge in the occasional 'reward' smoke at weekends(or whenever), but that day-in-day-out use is seriously incompatible with your vision of how you'll operate as a family. His kid is on the way, his own flesh-and-blood, and if that doesn't motivate him, nothing will. Try to say it in a way that conveys that you love him and wants his life to be the best it can be: don't let it come across as 'nagging' or 'bitching'. A pothead who's ORDERED to take a right turn will generally take a left turn.
If he still seems totally unwilling to make some sort of effort at getting to grips with the situation by the time the baby's born, THEN you're within your rights to point out that the relationship won't continue without serious change on his part. If he realises it's a straightforward choice between his kid or his pot, he'll likely throw his pot into the river.
Hope it works out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2009): Well I am in the exact same situation. I have a 4 month old daughter, a pothead boyfriend without a job, and I cant get him to stop smoking weed! I have to admit, I used to do it too, but I know I had to stop. He told me when I got pregnant that he would stop... then when she was born he would stop, and right now i cant even get him away from his pot smoking friends long enough to get a job and get some diapers for his baby girl. If your boyfriend smokes all day everyday like mine, its going to take alot to make him stop. You could try thinking of some things yall could do togather to replace the smoking time. tell him to work extra untill he is clean and can get a new job. or maybe tell him how much life will suck without money. I am at my parents house because he wont even work. so unless you want to be stuck with no money, get him to change quick.
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (13 May 2009):
 The thing is, do you want to bring up the baby without a dad? His reality is a bit warped at the moment. He needs a way to stop, and a reason. Have you talked to your parents or a near relation? You need support in this. Having a baby is tough enough without managing an immature partner.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe doesn't smoke pot around me for one because I won't allow it and he hates to hear me bi*** as he puts it. I don't want him around the baby if he smokes pot because he is already flaky and I could seriously see him forgetting something esential (like the baby at the store).
...............................
A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (12 May 2009):
He needs to want to quit and he may need help doing it. He may need psychological help or counselling. I don't know how you go about that in america. Are there any other males around from whom he would take advice?
It is better if your baby has a dad and the baby will make a difference to him but it is outside his experience at the moment. He may turn out to be the best dad in the world but he has to get his act together. Have you explained to him that smoking will hurt the baby even in the womb?
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (12 May 2009):
 You have your baby to think of, you need to leave him! Being a single mum is better than having a pothead for a dad! I know which one I'd prefer. He won't quit when the baby is born, if he could actually quit then he would have done it sooner! X
...............................
|
