A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:Hi,As the title suggests, my boyfriend, 27, of several years is more extroverted than me and seems to thrive in the company of others. He has lots of friends from different groups and he loves going out and can easily make friends with anyone.I would say I am a bit of an ambivert - I am super chatty when I am with my friends and in smaller groups and I would probably appear quite confident to those outside looking in. However, in larger groups where everyone knows everyone, I find I struggle and mostly stay quite quiet which, unfortunately, means I am often forgotten about. I like my own space and would much rather stay in with close friends than go out and mingle with new people sometimes.I make friends fairly easily because I am quite bubbly and outgoing - it is just when I am with people who are more stereotypically popular than I and I just get lost on what to say to them with the fear of sounding like a weirdo.My partner's family are holding a party for an auntie who I have met and really like. She is turning 85 and a large number of family and friends are invited, and I can't help but feel petrified about going. It is his family, and they are a fairly close family, and there are girlfriends that have been in the family much longer than I have attending as partners of the cousins too. I feel they have more history and closeness to openly discuss and converse with each other than I do.In the years we have been dating, none of my partner's cousins have asked me out with them but regularly meet up and go out for drinks and meals together and I think that is where the fear is stemming from. I am going into friendships that have already been established.I don't expect my partner to hold my hand at the party, but I am genuinely worried about being left alone to mingle with people because as individuals, I get on okay with some of them, but when they are together, I find it challenging.Even his parents laughed at the idea that I might be left alone again after the last family party where everyone argued and I did not want to get involved, obviously, so I was left on my own while everyone sorted it out and calmed people down. It seems so silly being nervous to go to a family party, but I hate looking like an outsider or someone who is a bit of a loner as I know for a fact that I like other peoples' company, I just don't do that well when I am surrounded by people I do not know but they know each other rather well and talk all the time when they are not with each other.Is there anything I can do to ease my worries? I just don't want to look foolish or a total outsider.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2022): You do realize that everyone you'll ever meet could have been close and acquainted with many other people long before you came into the picture? You can't focus all your time and attention on nobody but your boyfriend. You have family (and hopefully you also have friends); just like he does; and he had to adjust to their presence and existence, no matter how they feel about him. Love has to extend beyond his presence, and toward other people he holds dear to him. It's not an option, unless they give reason not to like them.
People warm-up to you; if you make at least a minimal effort to be friendly and polite. If you remain in hiding, and always tucked behind your boyfriend; it will not always be taken that you are shy, but that you're stuck-up and unfriendly. They won't bother to invite you to their girl's-nights out; because among all the girlfriends introduced into the family, you're the only one who never makes any effort. It's not always designed in life that people automatically accept or warm-up to you; sometimes they need to see something about you that makes them want to. As children, shyness is a form of self-preservation, because they don't have the experience to deal with adults alone; but as adults, shyness is something in our personalities we have to learn to manage or overcome. I had to, and I mean I was super-shy! You're being left alone, because it's awkward trying to urge a full-grown adult into being sociable and polite to the hosts who've invited them into their home. Shyness is tolerable, and understandable; but it's also rude, and makes you feel left-out and isolated. It either owns you, or you learn to own it!
Bring a nice gift, and personally offer the gift to his aunt. You don't have to stand on a table and make a speech. Show how cordial and approachable you are. The other women will invite you in, when you show that you want to be let-in. You're the one acting as if everybody is a pack of wolves bearing their fangs and claws at you. You've also decided to make your boyfriend your all and all. He is your only friend and the only one you will bother to letdown your guard and defenses for. Like everyone but him means anything to you. Boyfriends are not the center of your universe; and women who allow that to happen always live to regret it. It's unhealthy on all levels.
You'll feel awkward and terrified at every family event; until you decide to fight your fears, and let everyone know why he loves you. Like all the other women who've been introduced into their family-fold. You don't have to hangout with them, and you don't have to make them like you. You have to be cordial and friendly at family events; in order for the people who've invited you in, to warm their hearts towards you. That's part of being an adult, and it's how you grow a family.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (22 November 2022):
 While KENNY'S advice is solid I may want to add a few. First: wear a dress or whatever is comfortable and you know what looks good on you, second: advice is to steer clear from alcoholic beverages: and third: Keep in the back of your mind (in a loop) screw them I am NOT an idiot plus I am looking GOOD.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 November 2022):
While KENNY'S advice is solid I may want to add a few. First: wear a dress or whatever is comfortable and you know what looks good on you, second: advice is to steer clear from alcoholic beverages: and third: Keep in the back of your mind (in a loop) screw them I am NOT an idiot plus I am looking GOOD.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 November 2022):
 At the end of the day no two people are the same, each and every one of us is different and we have certain things about us that make us unique.
All you can do is go to the party as a support for your boyfriend, and just be yourself. Sometimes in situations we can try to hard to please others and try to fit in and this is often when we are not being our true authentic selves.
Its important you go and just be yourself and if people still don't like you, or are funny with you, then no big deal you tried.
Maybe do some things to work on yourself a bit, some meditation, breathing exercises, some self help regarding the subject of building confidence in large groups of people, maybe you may find some things on U Tube as well.
But as i said, just be yourself, relax, breathe, hold your head up high, and tell yourself, " I can do this ".
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 November 2022):
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