A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for 9mths. When we were friends he was honest to tell me he was divorced (no kids) so when we got together it never crossed my mind again until November 07. He mentioned that he got a divorce letter so I got upset but I didn’t freak out or anything. He said I shouldn’t worry and that he will take care of it. These past few weeks he was drifting apart from me I asked him what’s been going on with him so he said that the divorce has him going through an emotional rollercoaster. He said he was confused and he doesn’t know what to do. Both sides of the family his ex and his mom have been trying to have him reevaluate the situation. That’s one of the reason that I think he’s confused and especially because his ex keeps emailing him. So I asked the “question” that if he still loved her. He hesitated to answer so I told him it’s my right to know. So he said yes! This blew me away and all these mixed feelings were going through my mind. He told me he loves me and that he has been honest with me. But that he doesn’t know what to do. He’s confused and I’m confused too. I love him with all my heart. I believe she is his past and that’s the way it should be. There’s a reason why they broke up. I don’t know what to do. I’m patient enough to give him time but I don’t want to loose him. Please anyone I’m asking for immediate advice. I’m 25yrs old and he’s 26yrs old. I feel like it was just yesterday when we were happy in love and now it’s tearing me apart. I would appreciate anybody’s advice.
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broke up, divorce, his ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Susie19 +, writes (25 June 2008):
I KNOW HOW BAD YOU FEEL. THE SAME THING JUST HAPPENED TO ME. I DECIDED THAT IT IS BETTER IF I DON'T SEE HIM ANYMORE. I DON'T BELIEVE IN SHARING ONES HEART WITH TWO WOMEN. IT NEVER WORKS WHEN THEY GO BACK TPO THE FIRST ONE AND BY THE TIME HE REALIZES THIS IT WILL BE TOO LATE. MINE HAS BEEN WITH HIS EX WIFE FOR 31 YEARS. HOW CAN I COMPETE WITH THAT IF HE STILL LOVES HER. I DECIDED TO MOVE ON AND I THINK YOU SHOULD TOO EVEN THOUGH YOU LOVE HIM TO DEATH. WOULD YOU RATHER HURT NOW OR A WHOLE LOT LATER?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Hi, the same has happened to me, I still love my wife but have had other relationships, I don't think second time round it works a lot, so I am trying to forget my wife as much as possible. I think the old problems remain there unless they were gone.There is no straight answer, all I would say if you give him too much time away his ex may give him that time and could end up back with her regardless, where if you stuck with him he wouldn't.The heart is a tough thing to understand, way I see it now, nothing lasts forever and you gotta take each day, but most importantly live for yourself too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): if he really wants you, then he needs time to sort out his life to be with you... but if he is not sure of that, just let him go, that was his life before he met you and it's up to him if he wants to get back to it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): While he is with you and his heart is divided 50/50 with his 'ex' partner then you do not have a whole relationship. For this reason I would ask him to leave to get some space and thinking time or think you should go and let him have space. The bottom line is you may worry this will push him back to his ex but the truth is he will do this if he wants to anyway. At least this way the situation is even and he has a decision to make. I don't think fighting for anyone works - they either want to be with you or they don't. Hanging on desperately in this way like you are being made to is cruel and he needs to get his head straight before he hurts you further. Tread carefully but try and build a social life outside of your relationship with him during this time as it sounds like the whole things has taken you over. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Ember13 +, writes (8 February 2008):
To give another point of view, if you really want this guy (and he's not a dishonest guy, it's hard for me to tell from what you said) I think you should fight for him. I'm not sure exactly what you should do since I don't know him but I don't think you should do anything that would push him away more. But if you fight for him and he picks you and you trust that he wouldn't do anything to hurt you, like lead you on, then I'd say go for it. It seems like some other people think it'd just happen. If he wanted you he'd just pick you but that's not always the case. I think sometimes you have to work for it.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 You should leave him to allow him the time to think and see who he loves more. If he comes back for you , he is yours.There is not much you can do for him. It is his problem.I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Oh honey I am so sorry. This must be such an emotionally trying time for you. Falling inlove with somebody who you trust and who you are certain is all yours and then have to come to find out that he still harbors feelings for his ex and is even uncertain of what to do, even if that means losing you. That is a pretty huge blow and betrayal to you. If it were me, and I were to measure whether he was worth my time or not, just the fact that he said that he felt confused would have been enough for me to say goodbye for good. I mean no matter how much his mom or his ex tried to coerce him, if a guy truly loves you they would absolutely be certain that you are the one and there would be no question about it, no matter what. But his wavering feelings just shows that he is not giving you the place in his heart that you deserve. That shouldn't be good enough for you. But I know how painful this is. And I'm sure some people on here may advise you to "talk to him" or "give him an ultimatum" or "make him choose." But first off, doing any of those things is not going to change the reality of what has happened, and its just not the point. The point is that he did not give you your deserved place in his heart. And that is a betrayal that anybody with any dignity would not even want to overcome or try to "talk out." So I think you should really really be strong and walk away. You deserve WAY better than that my dear. So don't try to feel sorry for him or try to understand what he is going through while at the same time ignoring or minimizing your own feelings here. Don't make that mistake. In situations like these you must put your feelings first and foremost. Your heart is on the line here because he led you on. Walk away because no man worth your time will ever be unsure about you or put another woman's feelings before yours. That's unacceptable. And time will heal your wounds but in the meantime be STRONG and respect yourself enough to not accept this for a second and simply walk away.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (8 February 2008):
 Hi ,
the first thing here is you need to change the first sentence where you state he was honest about being divorced. But he was not honest with you was he? He was still married and in the Process of getting a divorce.
Which means you are his rebound relationship. This is not to say that you arent in love with each other, but his dishonesty has led you into this relationship thinking that he was unattached. If he had been honest with you and said that he is going through a divorce and it is going to get messy, would you still have gotten so heavily involved with him?
but that is all in the past , you have to decide what is best for the future. Everyone is messing with his head, and he is going to be a basket case for a long time. Admitting that he still loves his ex surely has to be a dealbreaker for you. Relationships are all about exclusivity and trust he has betrayed you on both accounts, are you really prepared to share his emotions with another woman? I'm sure he's a nice man who didnt want this to happen, but nevertheless you are in a situation now where this man has professed feelings for his soon to be ex wife. Of course we dont know whether his ex has feelings for him as well, if she does I would get the hell out as soon as I can. It will destroy your confidence, they will get back together and you will be left in a crumbled heap. It's not fair on you.
Good luck and sorry to see this happen to you.
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