A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi =) Im madly in love with my boyfriend, he's just about everything i've ever wanted in a guy, he's my life. And he tells me the same, it seems like he does.He treats me better than anyone ever has, he calls me his "KWEEN" and treats me like 1... But my problem is that he is a 17 year old gang member...if you know anything about the gang life then you know that gangs and commitments don't mix well, especially with the youngsters. Anyways, he's one of those cute, quiet, respectful guys that always know the right thing to say to a girl, the type of guy that can bs his way to any young girls heart.... We live about 30 mins away from each other, but we don't have cars, so we take a 2 hr - 2 1/2 hr bus ride to see each other. And he tells me about girls having crushes on him and stuff and i know that girls in gangs are basically known for being sluts. And the guys are known to pass around any girl thats willing. that worries me a little, but i really do think he's different. I have major trust issues, but i trust him as much as i can in my life right.But i think he's a sex addict. All we do is have sex, we have sex more than we just hang out or just talk to each other. I can't be within an arms length of him without him trying to have sex. And if i say no, it's like he literally can't go without "groping" me or oral sex or mutual masturbation. He always has to have some kind of sexual pleasure. He claims that he's not a sex addict and that it's just me. That he's addicted to me and cant keep his hands off of me.But i worry that he might be cheating on me in some way because he acts like this and the distance, and his lifestyle. I want to trust him, but sometimes i get the feeling that these girls are more than friends.By the way, he's only let me met 2 of his female freinds and they were both married with kids. i've never met the ones on his myspace or in his phone, the ones that are his age. I've seen their myspace pictures and some of them are big time sluts and all the others resemble me somehow,but with bigger boobs (mines are VERY small), he's a boob guy. so, do you think he's cheating?He probably is, but i love him so much, im having a lot of trouble accepting that its possible...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): hey,
I'm in this same situation. I've fallen madly in love with a guy who is in a gang. I still love him, and I appreciate who he is, but I know the consequences as well which is why I love him from afar. Instead of seeing him all the time, and having sex with him, I really just use him for the conversation. I enjoy talking to him, outside of all the sweet things he says to me. We just really click well. Although A lot of people say i should leave him alone, I do what I want, and continue to be there for him, the best I can without jeopardizing my own safety. In relation to your situation, i'd say to do what it is your gut tells you.
Although he may sincerely love you and may really be a good guy, the reality is, he's a gang member, and gang members do what gang members do, and in result, are ostracized by society, making it harder for them to live comfortably in society. So if living in society becomes uncomfortable for them, it will inevitably become that way for you as well. If you were to have his children for ex, and he leaves you because he can't handle it financially, its not because he's a bad guy, its just that he's living uncomfortably financially from the decisions he's made in life. Your decisions in this society determines how you'l b treated, so if you decide to love this gang member, your deciding to take on his baggage as well.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Let me save you a lifetime of heartache and regret.
Please leave this guy. He is no good for you.
I am 35 and have once been 18 and in your shoes.
I was attracted to the bad boys who I thought needed "saving".
Let me quote everything you wrote:
"he's one of those cute, quiet, respectful guys that always know the right thing to say to a girl, the type of guy that can bs his way to any young girls heart"
-You already know he's only saying what he wants to get to your heart...and in your pants. I know a part of you wants to feel that you are special and believe everything he says, but the fact is you know in your gut you are THAT girl.
"All we do is have sex, we have sex more than we just hang out or just talk to each other. I can't be within an arms length of him without him trying to have sex."
-Can't you see that this is the only thing he wants from you? If you can't carry on a conversation, how would a future with him look like?
" I have major trust issues, but i trust him as much as i can in my life right."
-This says to me that you've been hurt in your past. Girls who have had a hard childhood is so desperate for love that they will convince their brain all different types of story. Trust me...I've been there.
"he's only let me met 2 of his female freinds and they were both married with kids."
If he was so in love with you, then he would be showing you around and declaring his love to the world.
Look. You are not a middle school/high school kid.
You are a young woman who will need to make tough decisions in life.
I say make the right one for you. Leave this guy alone.
He's a gang member. There is no future for you with this guy. He will not be loyal. Let's say you get pregnant. Then now you have you're baby's daddy in jail and you will raise this child a lone. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache.
I know this is your life and at the end of the day you will do what you want to do.
But for you to write in and seek advice, a part of you is asking for help you find the right path and direction in life.
Him getting arrested 5 blocks from your house is a gift from God. End it with him. Focus on yourself, your future.
Create a life that one day you will be proud of.
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Going to jail is nothing new for him? Girl, you got yourself a career criminal and unless you plan to spend the rest of your life waiting for visiting day, you need to let this one go. If he's everything you want in a man, I'm afraid for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): It's hard to relate to your situation, because I live a very safe life. I feel bad for you though and I hope that you are not too upset.
The bad boys are always the most exciting and sexy, but they will break your heart every time. What starts as an adventure always ends in tears...and you sound smart and sensible so do yourself a favour and go after the dorky boys who study hard and will think that you are wonderful. You will have a sexy and secure partner as an adult (the dorks always become the great husbands, lovers and earners!!)as opposed to a dead loss in and out of prison, unfaithful losers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, i wrote this earlier today. I called my boyfriend to come over so we could talk in person. He made it to my block, 5 apartment buildings away from mines, and then he got arrested. It was a bad, crazy scene, the pigs put him in the ER. He's going away for a long time. I'd say no less than 2 years. I feel helpless, distraught, pissed and scared for him. But i know he'll be ok, this is nothing new to him. Jail isn't that bad anyways, especially the halls (juvie) it's like daycare lol This is so hard!!!
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (6 May 2010):
 I know that at your age it is difficult to see the difference between, pleasure of sex which has metaphysical nature, and it is confused with feeling of love, which develop with knowledge and intimacy and many more factors.
What you describe about your sexual activity, is quite normal amongst young couples, but what is abnormal is GANG, and not a group of art lover, hobby lover, like that.
All criminal activity rooted from this gang type structures. So, I advise you to do some analytical work. do some reasoning based on logic. Sex always feel sweet, so do not think it as a exclusive quality of a person.
It will be better to ask your boy friend to quit gang, and joined some well cultured groups.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Is really hard to be in that position you should get tested to see if you have something. I think he does wants to be with you because if you guys only have sex when you guys are together that means he wants you. Otherwise he would have sex with other girls since your not around. If I was you try and get him out the gang I know its hard but if you really love him and you want what is best for you too. Talk to him get him off the strees I'm sorry to say this but gang member end up being in jail for life, dead or a bad person please fix things now dnt wait
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): ok, speaking as someone who was in your situation a few years ago, My BF was also a gang member... Honey I mean this with great respect but grow up!Find a man who is nice and not gang related, one that can provide for you without illigal rubbish. It seems very romantic now but flash forward a few years if you stay with him... Chances are he willbe dead or in and out of lock up leaving you with kids, no money and no life.I know this becasue it is my life. And that of my girls, There will always be the sluts, the boyz always come first, soon you are in way over your head and stuck. I have been beaten, abused and everything else. My eldest son is now 11 and already taking after his father despite my best efforts. His father is in lock up again and I am working 3 jobs to try and keep a roof over our heads.Leave him, has hard as it may be now it will be better for you in the future. Go and travel the world, meet amazing people and experience life for what it is! My biggest regret is that I didnt do that. And yes they do cheat and yes it hurts. I too believed that I was his one and only and that he would always look after me. I was young and stupid.A life like this is not great, its not romantic, its awful and scary and makes you alone. The worst part of it all is that I could have done anything. I was a smart girl once. I hope that you take what I am saying and do something with it, Please dont end up like me. Oh and the lines he uses of "you make me feel this way, I want to touch you" all that stuff. I promise he is saying this to other women, Be smart and get out now!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Sadly, your boyfriend probably is cheating...girls that get ''passed around'' often have 'silent' STIs that they don't know they have. If your man has been intimate with anyone else you are very much at risk. Please get tested!
Also, being the ''kween'' of a gang member is very dangerous! if the wrong person finds out where you live, you and anyone who lives with you could end up dead or worse...collateral damage in a gang war.
You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Please try to distance yourself from him and put this negativity behind you as soon as possible.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): thats a tuff one lol probably because im in almost tha same situation lol....well he might be doing something because a relationship is not all about sex...ask yourself is that really love?? and tha distance thing to but just because hes in a gang doesnt mean anything...follow your instincts if you feel he is deep in your heart he prbably is.. and also try not to be so insecure also
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