A
female
age
30-35,
*abyyblonde
writes:Alright so my boyfriend is a year older and heading off to college in a 2 weeks. While he's not a hardcore party junky, I'm sure he'll attend a few over the next year, and make new friends, some of which will inevitably be girls. My question is, how do I get over the fear of him doing something wrong when I know in my heart that he won't? I really do trust him, and I know he loves me and wants to be with me. But my insecurities and my little green monster might ruin the good thing we have. I don't want to be constantly paranoid, which will lead to fights, which will lead to problems. Basically, I don't want to create something out of nothing and cause the end of our relationship because I'm insecure. How do I get over this fear??? I've never been away from him for longer than a few days. How do I even maintain a long distance relationship in a healthy way that won't drive him away?Tips, advice, reassurance or personal experience would be much appreciated!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): Hon, this is a great opportunity. No doubt, this separation will either strengthen or weaken your relationship. However, this is what life is all about.
Now let me tell you about my experience... A long time ago, I met this guy in London and four days later we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Three days after that, I was heading back to the States where I was living at the time . We began a long-distance relationship that lasted three years. There wasn't email or anything then so we kept in touch by mail and phone but the phone calls were extremely expensive so we couldn't call each other much either. He came to visit me in the States about three of times and paid for my tickets to visit him in England and Australia. He's faithful, lovable, caring guy who made me feel special, and yet I wasn't too confident that our relationship was going to work. He was too far away, our nationalities were different... I ended up cheating on him a couple of times and I also broke up with him once but asked him to take me back soon after-my heart kept yelling he was the one. Anyway, to cut a long story short. He and I managed to survive the long -distance thing. The London guy became my hubby and we've been married for nearly 20 years. I can honestly say, we're more in love now than we've ever been. So, yeah, long-distance relationship can work but it'll never be easy. Take this time to get to know yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): In reality, I don't think your relationship will last. He's a young guy, college, girls. Not to say that in the next year when you go to college it won't be the same, away from parents, living on your own, guys, etc.
Chat messengers and webcam like the other poster said would be a good idea, but be careful of not taking up a lot of his studying time, as time can really fly when chatting or on the phone.
I'd start getting kinda mentally prepared for the talk, that eventually both of you will realize it's not working out.
You guys are young, in American culture it's very rare for people to stay committed in relationships when young. Both of you will take a lot of different paths before meeting the one.
Goodluck
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (30 July 2010):
Sorry not to be encouraging but I think the great likelihood is that this will not survive the distance and him being around a load of other girls.
It's v unlikely ( if he has normal male desires ) that he will be able to resist the temptation to sleep with other girls.
But how long is it till you go to college yourself ? You have the same opportunities to look forward to.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): My boyfriend was finishing his last year of high school during my freshman year of college. Our relationship did NOT work out, but that's not to say that yours won't.
Here's the thing: You're absolutely right about the jealousy. It will kill your relationship in a heartbeat. My boyfriend was very jealous of my male friends in college and would make sarcastic remarks to me about them, despite them never trying anything with me, and I didn't have any interest in them in that way.
Furthermore, that boyfriend of mine was always calling me, sending me e-mails and randomly showing up at my door. It was WAY too much. When I told him I had too much homework for him to visit me one weekend, he said, "Oh, OK, that's fine" and showed up anyway! My grades weren't so good that first semester because of him. Respect your boyfriend's space and schedule; if he says he has a lot of homework, he'd appreciate just talking to you on the phone or online, and he'll love how supportive you are about his school work. If you encourage him to have fun, study well and cheer him on during his first year, he'll appreciate you a whole lot more than if you're a real drag to talk to.
There's really only one way to get rid of any jealous feelings you have, and unfortunately it's "don't be jealous." Much easier said than done, I know.
With my current boyfriend, who studied abroad for a while, I frequently got jealous when he'd talk about girls he'd meet while hanging out with friends. They all sounded so exotic, and I felt so not. But the thing is, it was all in my head. I took deep breaths whenever I'd feel jealousy coming on and then write about how I was feeling in a private journal (not an online blog!). It would help me sort out my thoughts and made me realize how silly I was being.
To stay connected with your boyfriend, use Skype. Download it for free at www.skype.com. It'll allow you to use web cams to video chat, so you'll see each other's faces and hear each other's voices. You can have "dates" on Skype. My current boyfriend and I did this while he was studying abroad. We played Yahtzee (each had our own set of dice) and Uno online, or we'd have a "coffee date," where we'd both drink coffee and have a snack while we talked about our day. Make it fun, but don't overdo it.
As far as visiting goes, ask your boyfriend in advance to look at his class syllabus to figure out when might be a good weekend to hang out. He can check to see when all his tests and big assignments are. Working around his schedule (which is very different from high school's) will be helpful for him, too.
Best of luck to you! Remember, hard times are tests of how good a relationship is, and how strong you two are together.
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