A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for a couple months now. Everything is great and we have a great time together,he's very sweet and thoughtful. But there seems to be a problem in the sex department,which I have just recently found out. We were not sexually active until the past couple weeks. Our first attempt at sex,he couldn't stay hard,so it didn't happen. Not to say that we didn't enjoy each other in other ways,but the sex just wasn't gonna happen. He apologized a lot and said he didn't know what was wrong,and I could see he felt awful,so I just let it go and told him it's fine. I chalked it up to nerves,because when we first started going out,he was very shy and sort of awkward, and it took some time for him to come out of that shell a little bit. I ALMOST didn't go for a second date because I felt like it was just too awkward,but he's really amazing since I have gotten to know him. So anyways,the second time we try to have sex,it's the same thing again. He will be hard during foreplay,and if I give him head he's hard,but once it comes to sex he loses it. I managed to work around it and gave him head for a little bit and then kind of immediately hopped on,but it wasn't a good hard on,just kind of so-so. Once we got going he came in about 5 minutes. I'm like ok,problem number two-coming way too fast! Same thing happened the next time we had sex. So getting him hard and keeping him that way to have sex is a task in itself,but he also has no staying power. I don't think the problem of staying hard has to do with lack of attraction (at least I hope not),because he always tells me I'm beautiful,and once we do get to having sex you can tell really obviously that he's enjoying it. But I could see this being a problem in the future. I would THINK the nerves should have worked themselves out by now. I'm really not sure what's going on,and I feel like it makes things a little awkward for both of us trying to get him hard and keep him that way. I don't want it being awkward every time we try to have sex,which should be fun and beautiful!Does anybody have any suggestions how to handle this,or how to help him stay hard,or could there be a physical problem? He is only 30 so I wouldn't think there should be any physical problem going on here. But I've never been through this,and I think it's bothering both of us,although we haven't had a real talk about it.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Never had such an issue myself, but to me, this sounds like fear. Perhaps fear of performance. Or maybe some kind of insecurity. I'm somewhat skeptical that "talking about it" will help. That may only increase possible doubt on his part. My advice would be to just ride it out - and see if some time helps.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): It could be performance anxiety .. If you are more experienced than him then that could be one reason.. he is comparing himself to your previous lovers .. and not faring well.If you have talked to him about your past sex life.. then do not.. It could be an actual physical/health issue..He could be gay?I suggest talking to him first.. Ask him if there is something wrong.. maybe something you are doing is putting him off...? I also think you should spend more time together not having sex.. just playing games, cuddling... sleeping.. that will make him more comfortable around you... if its nerves... Give him some time.. And I read masturbation before sex helps .. so maybe some hand and oral for both before?If the problem persists.. suggest meeting a counsellor and a doctor..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2012): I'm not 100% sure if he wakes up with morning wood,or if he just gets hard after a little kissing,cuddling,etc. I will have to pay more attention to that I guess! He wakes up and will always stroke and cuddle me,leading to sex,or an attempt at sex atleast. I wouldn't just give up on him because of these issues,because I do like him. But I can see where it could cause issues possibly farther down the line,because I've always felt like sex is important in maintaining a relationship.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (13 February 2012):
 I think it is time to have a talk with him on the subject. I know it is a difficult thing to talk about, but you need to know if it is something you are doing or is it him.
It definitely could be nerves or it could be something else. Is he on medication, drink a lot, is he overweight? Has he had this problem with other women? Are you using a condom (which can sometimes lead to problems down there)? Is he afraid of making you pregnant? Is he comfortable with you or does he tend to be shy?
My guess is that it is something going on in his head that is causing the problem. Unfortunately, the more often it happens, the more likely it is to continue in the future. At some point he won't be able to enjoy you without in the back of his mind worrying if he is going to have his staying power.
Look for some physical problems and if the problem persists, have him make an appointment with his doctor. Sometimes bedroom issues are the first sign of major health problems (i.e. diabetes, high blood pressure, hormonal issues, etc).
Best wishes and have a Happy Valentine's Day.
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A
male
reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior +, writes (13 February 2012):
 If you are both willing to talk about it, you can convince him to see a doctor and get a prescription to one of various erectile dysfunction medications.
Viagra lasts only 4 hours, while Cialis can last 36 hours or longer.
Then maybe he can learn how to get the job done right.
He should have gotten over the anxiety part after the first or second encounter.
Have you spent the night together? A functional man should always get morning wood. This is the best way to determine a physical problem over psychological ED.
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A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (13 February 2012):
 Being a medical professional, my first thought was- is he diabetic? Diabetes and diabetes medication can cause a certain side effect in men- erectile dysfunction.
Otherwise it's about time you two discuss the issue, and have a real talk about it. It's important that you show your support and let him know that you are going to help every single step of the way. Good luck!
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