A
female
age
36-40,
*onfused_26
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 8 Yrs. we were engaged and everything ready to move in this coming December. He's been the most caring boyfriend with me. Very respectful, gentleman, sweet, always listened to me, in general...I thought he was the perfect man. Well, little did I know he had a secret life. He had a yahoo account I wasn't aware of where since 2006 he was talking to escorts about where they could meet and all. He singed up to about 10 sites, some were dating and some where like porn and sex searches. Of course I went crazy and confronted him. He claims he never met anyone from online. This is hard to believe because we met online. He had emails where he will tell the girls we should get to know each other and see what happens. Mind you, he was using a different name from his. He has been trying to proove to me he never met anyone by sending them emails asking them to verify if they ever met and letting me see their response. However, I don't think it guarantees anything. I do know on a site he created 6 months ago there was a questions where it asked if you ever had a one night stand and he said no. Now he is saying he is going to stop all this and that he really loves me and he needs me and that was all curiosity. I was shocked he even had a pic of his private part and I saw he will get comments from girls and he will be like I'm std free... too much. Anyways, my concern is. Should I believe this is ok? Will men really just go online and do all this but never get to do anything? he is very extrememly shy and quiet,never hangs out with guys, usually just work, home and with me. so I never suspected this from him. He is always with me on the weekends and sometimes even weekdays. He was sending all this through his phone. Also, in february he attempted to meet up with one of my cousin's friend, who was me playing it off through instant messenger. He fell for it very easily. However, I forgave him because we weren't doing good at all around that time and I myself cheated on him a few yrs ago. He never knew about it till february when I confessed. However, I found out about his secret identity and single online life about 3 weeks ago. I am lost for I have been with him 8 Years and he was saving a lot of money for us and all. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2009): I am sorry to say, but I concur with Gina. My ex did the exact same things and was also a sex addict. This is a very difficult thing to overcome. He will need professional help and it is a long road to recovery. That is if he is willing to give it up. Many times, sex addicts do NOT want to quit. I feel for you, my ex was very kind, giving, affectionate (in a non-sexual way) and I loved him very much. He tried Sex addicts meetings and bought books but fell short of truly committing himself to recovery. He just couldn't get himself to completely cut inappropriate sexual stimuli out of his life. I would suggest you observe him and research this subject BEFORE you ever have any more conversations with him. Sex addicts are very good at lying and blameshifting. If he can, he will start blaming you for the deterioration of the relationship if you 'make too big of a deal' out of this. Have a true understanding of this addiction before you try to talk to him about it.I wish you the best :)
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 May 2009):
 I think Gina is right. He is having some serious issues with sex and maybe also with commitment.
However, I think til you two get to the bottom of this I would advice you not to move in, have kids or get married.
I think you only know the top of the iceberg here. You have found stuff dating back 3 years ( what happened then? can you recall anything really Big happening?) But do you think it goes back further?
Like Gina said, I too doubt that any man would just "chat" with prostitutes. I mean really..
It is more then curiosity. It is starting something new in a way, while still holding on to you. Why would he need to sign up to THAT many dating/porn sites when he has you? Know what I mean?
You two need to sit down and talk. He needs help. Hopefully he is ready to get some. It is an illness. now you have to figure out if you can handle this or not.
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