A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my current boyfriend for one year and 8 months.. and I'm at a point where I realize I'm too good for him.. but when I'm with him, I'm so happy, until we try to have a conversation.. like a serious conversation. He shuts down. He doesn't know how to have a conversation, he always goes off topic. It's hard to explain because we have have little fun and flirty conversations but when it's a serious one or one that involves thinking or cognitive stimulation, he can't have one. He smokes weed with his friends whenever I'm not around, and I honestly believe the weed has ruined his brain. (he used to be a huge pothead before we started dating, he would do it 2 or 3 times a day, everyday).. He has done other drugs like E and coke, which bothers me very much. He's bad with his feelings and can't express them. Whenever something bothers me that he thinks isn't a big deal, he doesn't want to deal with it, he pretends I'm not upset and acts the same. Whenever I mention we should take a few days away from each other, he tells me I'm being overdramatic. Basically my question is that I'm so torn between being with him and not being with him I can't make up my mind.50% I'm so happy, happier than I've ever been, happy with him, can see myself with him, and 50% I'm unhappy, desperate for appreciation, depressed, hating him, not wanting to have anything to do with him, knowing I can find better..What do I do? what should I ask myself? I don't know anymore
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female
reader, ZebraPrintx  +, writes (13 September 2010):
I was in this almost same situation few months back that lasted for almost two years. I thought things were 'great' with him, that we would last a long time. We got along great for the most part, minus the pot he would smoke. He did 'quit' for few months for me, wanting to get his life together but met some new guy friend that got him back into it, 3x worst. I finally got fed up smelling pot nightly as he'd smoke it every half hour or so (yes we lived together as well) and called it quits. There were many other reasons too but that one was good enough for me. Only a week after the breakup I realized I was MUCH happier not being with him anymore, didn't have to deal with his stupidity from smoking pot nor the lack of serious conversation because he was just so out there from the drug. Another thing? I found somebody MUCH better than him and does NOT do drugs. The communication between us is great and it made me wonder why I wasted two years trying with my ex.
Communication is very important in a relationship, just as much as trust is. If it's not there, it's just frustrating for you and won't work out for much longer. Save yourself the trouble and get out of that unhealthy relationship and find somebody better because you CAN do better!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): Your describing irrational mood swings. You need to realize that no matter how hard you try you can not have a relationship with an addict. You can live with them, have sex with them, pay their bills, feed them, bail them out of jail, but you can't have a RELATIONSHIP.
What you're describing in him (can't have a conversation & shuts down) sounds like he started using drugs before he learned to develop emotionally. Many (most all) addicts stopped developing when the drugging started, so you may be with someone who is emotionally still a kid. It's not a medical issue, it's an emotional one, and it's serious. The corrective measures are going to have to come from him and he's going to have to grow up a lot.
My recommendation is get out while your still young and go find a better class of boyfriend. It will be years before he's capable of giving you what you want - IF EVER. Leaving an addict is simple, go. He'll realize it's you or the drugs, and pick the drugs EVERY TIME!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Well what will make you 100% happy? Are you with him for the long term, I mean is he husband material, do you see a future with him? That's the question you need to ponder. He sounds like he's fried, and that's a point of no return. I know guys like that and yeah they're funny to an extent but it's really sad what those drugs did to them. Usually they amount to nothing in life, or skate by bouncing from job to job when they fail their surprise piss test because they didn't have enough time to get that illegal pill that flushes everything out their system.
I went out with a guy who's whole family dealt drugs, I was subdued to pot, the lesser recreational drug, nonetheless still harmful down the road. After a year, I was tired of the smell of pot, and the fact that my boyfriend would never have a stable future. So I ended it, there was no talking to him or giving him an ultimatum, me or the pot. Just had to either accept him and his lifestyle or walk away because I have had enough.
Anyways, I can't suggest having a serious talk with him because sadly he doesn't have the mental capacity for it. He's going to go on living in his own trippy world, rolling blunts, smoking his pipe, and hitting the bong. It's only been a year and 8 months not that much time invested in this relationship..you need more than what he can give you. You can either accept him for who he is, or choose to walk away and find a man who has a future.
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