A
female
age
,
*athmp
writes:hi AgainHaving already written to you in October 2009 about my realtionship with my partner as being very nice but no sex/love making, playing; fondling and the rest. Although I have tried to get to the bottom of it all through talking and moaning! he still avoids the discussion and any physical contact. well except holding hands and the odd peck on the lips. He does not 'see' sex as important,and its just sex. I don't have the attitude that we should make love etc a certain amount of times a week, but would like to be active more often than the 10 minutes we had on holiday last September. We have not done anything sexual since then. I have talked about going for councelling or perhaps to relate but he says we don't need to. There are other men interested in me and I am finding it difficult to resist temptation; I have had sex offered on a plate but have resisted so far. well I dont know what else to do; I don't particulalry want to break up the relationship, perhaps I should tell him other people are interested maybe that will spur him on. Any advice would be welcome. by theway my comment about being yukky, I am a little overweight but look good for my age and most people think I'm 38 to 40 instead of 48 ish unless they're being nice!!Many thanksKath
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female
reader, kathmp +, writes (30 August 2010):
kathmp is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou all for your replies. I have discussed the we are friends bit. Not into open relationships, underneath I am a one person,person. I am a very independant person and not needy but believe in loyalty. My partner has had two long term relationships where they had other relationships (cheated)and unfortunately have had various relationships that have dissolved for different reasons, including being cheated on, this would hurt both of us. Can't and won't move out, the house is in my name and after being homeless, with my kids, do not want that route again! He has his own house too, trying to let. well I'll keep you guys posted and Tisha 1, thankyou for your advice sounds daft but I'll probably be writing in at 58!!! :)
feel free to write back on concerns, I've given lots of positive advice to others just wish I listened to myself sometimes!
many thanks
kath
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 August 2010):
 I had another thought for you. As he doesn't think sex is important, you could propose that you go to an open relationship, where you are each free to pursue sexual partners outside your partnership. This way, you won't technically be cheating, as he'll be aware that you are sexually active with another man or men.
I am not a proponent of open relationships; I could never be in one myself, but I am trying to think of your alternatives.
You don't want to break up. He won't have sex. He won't discuss it, he won't work on it, he's not interested in changing things. I can't see any way out of this one but breaking up with him, or trying that open relationship thing. Or you get comfortable with being celibate.
Me, personally, I'd be looking for the exit, after having exhausted all the talk/therapy routes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 August 2010):
Hi Kath, maybe HE doesn't feel the need, but you do, and I guess the question for you is this: why are you so reluctant to turn the relationship into what it really is, a friendship?
You've had sex once in a year, he won't discuss it, he won't take any steps to work with you to address it; this man is perfectly content with the status quo. You are not, therefore, you are going to have to be the one who drives the change in this relationship.
Personally, I'd probably just tell him that you are really nothing more than roommates, and that you'll be moving out and starting to date again, so that you can find the combination of emotional AND physical intimacy that you are looking for. This might move him along to seeking counseling, but I have some doubts about his willingness to actually change himself. Alas, the only person you can really change is yourself. And I would change myself the locks and change myself the address and get out there again. Be single and find the sex and the intimacy you seek, rather than cheat on the guy.
And if sex isn't important, that it's just sex, then why isn't he giving you that unimportant item, if it's no big deal? Hmmm?
Health. Sexual Orientation. Intimacy issues. Phobias. Something is keeping him from having sex with you. But if he doesn't care enough to tell you or to figure it out if he doesn't know, then it's pretty much moot what the underlying cause is.
Keep him as a friend, as you two seem to be good buddies. But go find your romantic partner, before you write back in again and say, "I'm 58, but people tell me I look 10 years younger." Time's awastin'!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 August 2010):
He may well have erectile dysfunction, or something like it that is causing him to be embarrassed about sex. Or, he's just not into it.
Either way, this is clearly causing problems now, and he needs to know straight that it's causing problems. Don't tell him other men are interested, because that won't spur him on if he has a problem. Instead, you just have to say that it's causing you problems and you'll need to move on unless things change. If that doesn't work, nothing ever will.
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