A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 3 years. We've had alot of ups and downs. Here recently I told him I wanted to try to connect better on an emotional level rather than physical. (no sex). He still tries to get me to give in, but when I don't, he says he feels like I don't want him. That is not it. He won't talk to me about his feelings, and doesn't seem to understand why I've chosen to do this. How can I get him to understand it, and respect my wishes? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2012):
 So if all you do is have sex and do nothing else then you are a FWB…. Is that what you are saying?
I was LDR with my man for a year... in the beginning, yeah we stayed in and had sex all the time... but we also went out to dinner and after a few months on weekends we did errands, we cleaned... we had other things going on.
IF after 3 years all you do is have sex, I seriously doubt that withholding sex to get him to open up or be what you want him to be is going to work.
Have you TALKED to him about it?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not withholding to make him change or to try to get him to open up or anything like that. He worked as an OTR driver and when he was home, it seemed all we did with each other was have sex. He didn't take me out, or anything like that. We didn't do anything together as a couple.
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A
male
reader, Welsh Uncle Dave  +, writes (3 April 2012):
How on earth is refusing sex going to help your two communicate better?
It's basically saying: Open up or you don't get sex.
The fact of it all is if you two cannot communicate together, then you are not right for each other.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 April 2012):
 If you after 3 years together don't feel emotionally connected you two are wrong for each other.
You "deny" him sex and think that will make him open up? Wrong, it will shut him down.
He won't talk about his feelings and can't even explain why? That shuts YOU down.
You two are unable to communicate on a rather simple level, if you think there is something worth working on or "saving" I would suggest you find a counselor who can give you BOTH the tools to communicate better.
Or you guys can read this book and talk after.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 April 2012):
Well if you could explain to me why an adult single woman in a relationship thinks that withholding sex from her partner is a good idea, I could help you explain it to him.
MEN need sex to connect emotionally to women. Women need emotions to connect sexually with men. What a conundrum we have.
What exactly is lacking in the relationship to make you feel that withholding sex (cause that’s what you are doing) is going to fix it?
I have found that the best way to get my partner to open up to me is to TALK to him… usually while cuddled up on the couch or in bed… or hugging in the kitchen… the better our sex the better our connection and the more open he is…
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): you are with the wrong man. period. find someone who meets your needs and who`s needs you also wish to fulfill.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (3 April 2012):
 It is fine if you have decided to withdraw sex for whatever reason, but it is not fine to expect that your boyfriend will understand or go along with it.
A relationship encompasses many thing emotional and physical. If you had begun the relationship recently and were not sure if you were ready for sex yet, then that would be fine, but to withdraw sex suddenly when before it wasn't a problem, well there are not a lot of men who would understand or accept that.
You obviously do not feel that your boyfriend is meeting your emotional needs and withdrawing sex seems to be something that might give you leverage to make him change, but in all honesty I think this is going to backfire and is going to cause even more problems.
Try to identify what emotional needs he isn't meeting...make a list. It could be that he just does not have the personality or skills to provide what you are asking for, or it could be that he totally doesn't know what you want.
Men are not mind readers, mostly you have to spell it out and be direct.
'I want you to stay home more'
'I want us to talk more'
'I want you to help with the chores more'
that kind of thing.
Withdrawing such a huge thing as sex is a kind of punishment for him not being able to read your mind about your needs...it's just plain confusing.
Of course you are at total liberty to stop having sex if you don't feel like it but I am not sure if this is the right reason or if it will get you what you want. He obviously doesn't understand why you are doing this so maybe it's time to spell it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): If you have been direct and honest there's nothing more you can do. You can't make someone see who refuses to see. All he can see is that he's not getting sex now and all further thought processing stops. This speaks volumes about the relationship or him. He might simply not be suited for a relationship of the kind you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2012): "How can I get him to understand it, and respect my wishes?"You can't "get" bf to do either. Appears he has zero desire to "understand" or "respect" anything about you, what little you say about him coupled with red flag "We've had alot of ups and downs" suggests he is a textbook example of a controlling male whose sole intent is to "get" you to do exactly what he wants by holding whatever he can over you and/or using whatever he can against you. He's not going to magically "change" and his tactics to control you will only become more insidious, if not physical. Please contact a counsellor or domestic violence hotline/shelter for more information on this type of behavior. Once you understand what he's trying to do to you, you will have the knowledge and tools to make a clean, safe, final break from him.
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