A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I found a perfect apartment that has the perfect location , amazing price, and what seems like a great roommate from Craigslist. Only problem, my boyfriend absolutely hates the idea that I want to move in with a guy who I barely knew. I understand that he's worried about my safety but who has the time to befriend someone for months before moving in? A little background on my bf, he grew up in Tennessee, never had a roommate his entire life except his lifelong best friend. He hates the idea of me trying to find a roommate on craigslist, whether a guy or a girl. But all of my friends are either in school or live with their parents and I can't afford a place by myself. Move in together is out of question because I don't like his place and he needs a lot of alone time. Basically I told him that I won't move in only because he hates it, but I'm very angry inside knowing that i won't be able to find a perfect place like this again because of him. At the same time i don't want to move in and make him upset. I don't want to hold this against him in the future when I have to pay more for apt or if I don't get alone with my new roommate. What should i do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2013): There are some women (and men) that I would trust to live with an opposite-sex roommate without doing improper things. There are a lot of other people who I would not trust with that. A lot depends on the details and the people involved.
I think your boyfriend's demand is reasonable. If your relationship is not brand new then you should at least consider his wishes on this.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): Move into the place you like. He will need to deal with it. He should realize that a man cannot prevent a woman from cheating (if she really wants to). And you should realize that a jealous or controlling man will get only more jealous and controlling over time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2013):
 I hear what CindyCares is saying, and on a trust side, it makes sense. However, in this case, I see it as a boundary issue.
Living with another guy, just the two in an apartment, has a level of intimacy that isn't in a workplace. Being with a guy in the same place he showers, undresses, pleasures himself, sits in his boxers while relaxing, having conversations which increasingly is affected by domesticity, splitting the house chores, one cooking for the other, grocery shopping, listening in on real life conversations and meeting the people he has in his inner circle, it's inappropriate, plain and simple.
There are boundaries in platonic relationships of the opposite sex, and living together, even platonicly, is crossing the boundary. Seriously, the guy will see her coming out of the shower, in partial undress, or while getting dressed (maybe not in the beginning, but certainly when the ice has been broken), and that is inappropriate. It crosses boundaries. It is not loyal to a loving relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 October 2013):
 Frankly I am a bit surprised by the answers of many posters. Maybe it depends on geography too ? Sharing a place with a person/s of the other gender is very common and nothing to write home about not only in ,say, New York- which after all is a well known den of iniquity :)- but also in much less adventurous Italy at least in the big cities and college cities. I guess that good apartments at a semi-affordable price are VERY hard to come by , so people are keen to share them with males, females and anything in between.
As for the proximity creating occasions or temptations - maybe so. But the same is true for most workplaces, and I think nobody would suggest nowadays that a married or engaged woman would not go to work, least she might have to spend all the time with attractive male colleagues.
What would make me wary in this day and age is the idea of rooming yp with a perfect stranger, -and chosen from Craigslidt too, not even from a reputable agency. I don't say that you are likely to end up with a serial killer or Hannibal Lecter, but.. for instance, if he runs a flourishing drug dealing operation from home he is not going to put THAT on Craigslist.
I guess that if you had the time and the way to perform all the check ups that TIsha 1 suggests, and more, that would increase your safety to reasonable levels. In theory, he should give YOU shining references that show he's safe to live with- but obviously, with people queuing at his door for a chance to share his place, he's not going to do that- so yes,there's a certain margin of risk, and I can see how a boyfriend would not be enamoured of the idea.
Vetoing the initiative out of sheer jealousy, though, would not be cool with me. Trust is trust, no matter who's around, and if your relationship is secure, he should be able to be comfortable letting you share a place even with a bachelorette male stripper ( and you with the Playboy bunny of course ). After all, virtue that has never been tempted is no virtue at all , it's just lack of occasions. And if he can be sure of your devotion only as long as you don't have any other men around- well, basically he is insulting you, he is implaying that you are a tramp and an idiot who would lose her head as soon as she happens to sit on the same sofa with any other male whatsoever.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (17 October 2013):
Really? You're really angry with him because he objects to you moving in with another man?
What if he moved in with a Playboy centerfold? Another woman, and then lashed at you because the house was the "perfect house"? Honestly, you being mad because the place was the "perfect place" is like a guy telling you he reads Playboy for the articles.
You need to wake up. It is inappropriate for you to move in with another man unless you're single, or he's your father or brother or son.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 October 2013):
Give me a break; its definitely inappropriate to live with another guy if you're in a relationship. This should be a no-brainer.
If you were single that's one thing, but you obviously aren't.
Do you think that you're so trustworthy that you'd be immune to any charms this guy may have? That's like your boyfriend going to another girl's house to get drunk together. You'd get pissed! Would his defense that he wasn't going to do anything make it okay? No, because people are human, and the key to avoiding infidelity is not just integrity, it's avoiding situations like this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): Honestly I wouldn't care who my boyfriend lives with because I trust him and I am not a jealousy girl. In fact he hangs out with a girl he used to date all the time.
Frankly, I think girls are crazier and harder to live with than guys a lot of times lol
I do think this is a promising relationship. The potential roommate will provide me a background check. In fact his job actually requires extensive background check so i'm not to worry about that.
He offers to look for apartment with me, but the problem is I can't sign a lease since I will only be living there for half a yr and I can't afford to live by myself.
I will continue look for apartments...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): The place may be nice; but you know nothing about the habits of the man living in it. It will be only the two of you, and your boyfriend has to carry this around in his head. It would be different if you both knew the guy.
You'll be alone with a stranger. If the situation were in reverse, you'd probably have an issue with him living alone with another female he had only just met. Craigslist isn't the most risk-free means to find a roommate. It's also a site where people find hookups.
Keep looking. Look for places close to local colleges and universities that have a high percentage of students renting off-campus. Landlords are a little more picky about their tenants, and you're more likely to find roommates that are not quite so mysterious.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): My dear you are to trusting, how do you not know that he is not a sex offender or sociopath just out of prison. Unless you can legally carry a firearm in the state you live you better re think this idea. I am not saying that women are any more trusting and innocent but i believe your going to be a lot better off and happier with a female room mate. Did you not consider a female room mate or did you have something else in your mind when considering a male room mate. You better hope that if you proceed with this male room mate he does not think that you come as a added bonus in this sharing arrangement. Think carefully before even considering this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2013): i can understand why he wouldn't want you to live with another guy~ would you like him to live with a single girl and no one else around? another girl would be a lot better to live with. keep on looking for girl room mate, and meet them in person beforehand if possible to know if you're compatible living together.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 October 2013):
 Do a background check on the potential roommate, call his references, if he hasn't given you any, ask for them now. If you have declined this apartment and roommate already then do that for the next one. Be prepared to do the same thing in return, giving references and allowing a background check.
Ask your friends and family for help in finding a new living situation.
How long has he been your boyfriend? Is this a relationship that is going to last or is it on its last legs?
Frankly, I think it's more dangerous to live alone than with a roommate.
If your boyfriend is only offering objections and not suggestions then get him to do some apartment hunting with you. Is it Craigslist that he's worried about, that there's no filter in place to weed out weirdos and potential rapists? Then ask him where he thinks you should go to find an affordable living situation.
And don't be so fast to assume you won't find as "perfect" a situation again. :)
Keep on looking and ask for help from friends and family and co-workers as well. Enlist the objecting boyfriend in the hunt and keep looking. Good luck!
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