A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:First, thank you so much for reading this, I really will appreciate any advice!This happened a couple of weeks ago. My boyfriend (of about 10 months) told me the morning after it happened. He and his friend, his friend's girlfriend, and another girl had been hanging out in their suite, drunk, after the rest of their friends went out for the night. His friend's girlfriend went to throw up, and his friend went to go check on her. Then, the other girl started kissing him. He kissed her back for about a minute, and then he pushed her off and was like no, no. The girl stammered that she was so sorry, and ran away. (By the way, I know this girl, she's always been really nice to me and I've been really nice to her).The rest of the night, until like 5 am, my boyfriend literally couldn't stop crying and freaking out about what he had done (and he really barely ever cries). It got so bad that he literally punched his wall, and felt suicidal -- he had to call one of his friends and they had to talk him down. He told me the morning after this happened, and vowed to earn back my trust. I was obviously crushed -- I care deeply about him and I trusted him more than anyone, so I felt this was the ultimate betrayal. That said, his reaction does demonstrate how terribly he felt about it and how much he cares about me. I decided to stay with him, but I've been having a really difficult time moving on and coping, and whenever I see the girl that kissed him I get really upset. What would you do if you were me? And what can I do to help myself move on? THANK YOU SO MUCH
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male
reader, lifesgreat  +, writes (25 November 2014):
lmao one night of feeling suicidal ?
also was you actually there to see how badly he felt about this .
so after 10 months , he got drunk and kissed a girl .. what happens if after 2 years he gets drunk and sleeps with a girl .
alcohol has bugger all to do with it , yes it effects people but none the less they should have control .. just get rid of him
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 November 2014):
 I am of the belief that cheating is an absolute deal-breaker, but here is a case where I, like YouWish, can see why you gave him a second chance.
However, you are STILL feeling the betrayal. Which is why I think it's so hard for you to let go. And it will be for quite a while. He was honest about it. You didn't find out through other people. Though the whole suicide speech is a little over-dramatic and actually something I would address with him. Because that is NOT OK. YOU should not FEEL like you HAVE to stay or he will kill himself.. I mean OVER a kiss? Come on!
And I agree he needs to stay away from alcohol for a while. And HE needs to do the WORK in rebuilding trust. HE messed it up, HE needs to fix it. YOU need to "keep" your end of the bargain and NOT throw this in his face every time you are mad at him. THAT is how forgiveness works.
Now if down the line 2-3-4 months from now you STILL feel like you can't trust him and that you actually lost respect and love for him, end it. YOU are not honor-bound to stay with him. He won't be killing himself, he REALLY needs to quit using threats like that.
As for the other chick, don't start hating on her. SHE was drunk too. And though SHE should have known better, she KNEW he had a GF (you) and she EVEN knew the GF (you) - she is still not the biggest culprit. YOUR bf kissed her back and HE is the one dating YOU, not her.
Maybe this will be a good lesson for HER as well as your BF. Not that I would be too concerned with her. Nor would I keep being friendly with her. Polite, yet - she is NOT a friend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): If he's kissing other girls when you've been together less than a year do you really want to stay with him, you don't have a long enough history of trust to really be able to know it was a one off.
He's also really unstable if he had to be talked down from killing himself. And no one noticed him crying constantly? He had to phone someone else?
He really doesn't sound like he's emotionally fit for a relationship even if you forget the kissing of other women.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): First of all this guy is playing with your intelligence second of all if he cared so much about his relationship he would've bought his butt home before he got tipsy everybody always want to blame it on the alcohol.See where I come from they say it gives you courage but when the high goes down its l'm sorry.Please find you somebody else.Suicidal my ass that's bull a blind man can see that.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (24 November 2014):
 Alright. First of all, yes, he was unfaithful. But he didn't have sex with her nor did anything that resulted in his ejaculation. So, if you were to compare the level of his unfaithfulness to say, an injury, given that his having sex with someone else would be like a fatal car accident, and maybe rubbernecking in your presence would be something like a bruise, what he did would be along the lines of a broken femur, and a shattered rib cage with internal bruising. That's different from if he'd had an emotional affair, which would be like thyroid and lung cancer and much tougher to recover from, or an actual affair or he got some other woman pregnant and lied about it, in which case, that would be a fatal heart attack level.
That means, what he did doesn't have to be fatal to your relationship, but it will leave a scar. Isn't it right that you've felt actual physical pain in response to what he did? Probably felt like you were kicked in the gut by a kickboxer!
Here's the thing...he came to you voluntarily. That speaks massive volumes in a world where had he covered it up, you wouldn't have known. However, he came clean on his own. You didn't catch him, he didn't deny or carry on with her.
They got drunk, most likely if there was vomiting involved, it was probably excessive and close to blackout drunk on his or her part. There is no excuse for what happened, as if you were to kill someone while drunk, you'd still be prosecuted for it, and likewise, his unfaithfulness is still that.
I *really* hate cheaters and cheating, so what I'm about to tell you, I qualify it as someone who has such a distaste for disloyalty that I'd often counsel dropping someone where others would see ways to reconcile.
I think you did the right thing by giving him another chance, BECAUSE, and ONLY because, he was voluntarily honest with you. I think he was horrified at what he did to the point where it affected him when he came to his senses.
If he wants to earn your trust, and yes, it'll take awhile for you to recover from the scars of what happened (remember, severe broken bones level of unfaithfulness). His part would be to remove the TRIGGER events and behavior, meaning he doesn't go get drunk and hang out at houses with other girls in it unless that other girl is YOU. Like the couple who wishes to avoid sex would keep the lights on and stay in public, he would do well to not go anywhere near instances where drunkenness and private situations are even a possibility.
What would be optimal, especially at first, is if he were to avoid drinking altogether for a period of time. Also, the both of you should turn the crisis into an opportunity. Have long talks. Become vulnerable to each other. Get closer, talk about faithfulness and love. Learn about each other and let the emotional shakeup Of course, I'm sure you told him, and he understands, that if there is ever anything that comes remotely CLOSE to what happened, he is going to lose you.
I don't think that you need to develop the kind of trust issues that causes you to get paranoid and start snooping and accusing and questioning. You know the circumstances and the triggers. He didn't carry on a premeditated grooming of a girl or a sophisticated seduction behind your back. He will most likely eagerly give you access to his private stuff, and I think you don't have anything to worry about on that score. Now, parties and his getting blasted on his own, especially with her, that is more understandable to have questions about, but I think given his horror at his own actions, he'll be even more scared to let that happen again than you are.
One thing about broken bones...they tend to heal up stronger than they were before the break. The calcified scar tissue tends to be more dense and strong. Use this time. Talk about it. Talk about each other, what your mutual plans and goals and values are. Do this right, and you could come out of this so much stronger in your relationship. Be consumed by it, and things could get worse, like bones that aren't set right or cause blood infection.
Give it time. He was honest from the start, and I think he'll devote himself to being faithful to you from now on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2014): If this was a one off and it wad just a kiss... then I would let it slide. But only once.
As to moving on... forgive him. He erred, badly, but not as badly as he could have. And I would suggest he minimise contact woth the confused girl. Maybe she misinterpreted the signs with him. Maybe they were caught up in the moment. Who knows.
Either way, she can only be part of your life once he has regained the trust he lost.
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