A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I went to a high school reunion this past summer. While there, I met a man who I really didn't talk to much in high school. We kind of hit it off, and for the past 2 months, we have been dating and getting to know each other. My question is about red flags. Three times now, he has brought up his old high school girlfriend. He says he treated her poorly, and he wishes he had a chance to go back in time, because he would marry her. He says he asked a friend about her at the reunion, wanting to know where she was and what she was doing. Granted, she is married now, but as we know, marriages don't always last forever. My problem is, I just got out of a long term relationship with a guy who continually brought up his old high school flame, and he eventually left me for her, but before he did, he spent a significant amount of time glorifying her to my face, much like this new guy seems to be doing. So when this new guy continually talks about his ex from the past, it troubles me. We are in our 50's and I know it is typical to look back on old loves and put them on a pedestal, but after what I have recently gone through, then to find another one who is doing the same thing, I feel uncomfortable about what his message is. Is this a concern? Or am I being too much of a scaredy cat?
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 October 2017):
 I think you should talk to him. I mean you are both in your 50s so surely you have had a lot off life experience and can talk openly to each other? Be honest with him and tell him how you feel about it, explain what happened with your ex and how uncomfortable it made you, tell him you are scared that it is going to happen again with all the talk about his old high school sweetheart. Talking about the past is one thing, but telling the woman you are dating you wished things where different and could marry an old flame well that is not nice to hear.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 October 2017):
 I'm about 80% in agreement with Honeypie, and she's most likely right anyways. The 20% I'm diverging from the train of thought is the fact that you met this guy AT a high school reunion, so talking about the past would be in context to the foundation of your relationship.
I think in this guy's case, before breaking it off, I'd have a talk with him and say exactly what Honeypie brought up. Tell him that I know we met at a high school reunion, and that nostalgia is a powerful intoxicating thing, but you don't want to take this relationship one millisecond farther if he holds such a strong candle for this ex he had.
I'd explain that if you go forward, it's with two people, not a third woman being brought up as a marital regret. Some guys ARE that stupid when it comes to talking about these things.
Unless his answer is SPECTACULAR, I'd cut the cord and walk away as well. But sometimes, the reunion nostalgia gets carried away in some of these things, and my only thought is that you met and started dating this guy in context of the past.
I say have the frank discussion before the cut-out, but it *is* a red flag to be sure.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2017): I lost someone I loved for 28 years to cancer. I bring-up his memory from time to time when responding to posts; because he has made an indelible impact on my life. As have others who have come into my life since.
It has never stopped me from being able to love thereafter.
Even after such a long stretch of time together with my now-deceased partner; I can see the one presently with me with more clarity.
Someone new has come along; not to kill my good memories, but to begin new ones. All the people I used to care about romantically are not dead. They're alive, but the past is dead. My loving heart doesn't let go of the memories of good people that easily; but I know how to move on, and live in the present. Provided the person I'm with proves we're meant for each-other. Only God and destiny knows. My past and the past of others have never predicted my future. I cross those bridges as I get to them.
I say judge people as individuals. It's no more of a red-flag for him to be sentimental about the past; than you to drag your baggage from an old relationship. Being at least one guy to answer your post, I don't expect to win a popularity contest with the ladies. As a mature person myself; I have learned that I must give myself a chance to find what I want and need; and not empower the people who hurt me in the past. They've stolen all they're going to get from me.
Maybe he will contact her, who knows? If it bothers you that his timing about this ex doesn't sit well with you, say so in so many words. "[His name]... we've only just met. I'd appreciate it if you'd concentrate on "us," and leave your ex in the past. If you have a problem with that, please let me know now; and I'll be on my way! I really don't care about her. I'm trying to get to know you!" "Bring-up her name once more, and I will consider us finished." Since she's married anyway, what threat is she to you. No marriages don't last forever, but that's a very cynical way to look at it. In fact, nothing lasts "forever."
Why is it people blow things out of proportion before they just face it honestly? Use your words!
So far, you're only dating and getting to know this man. You have no idea how far it will go; or even if you won't do something to mess it up. Well, as I see it. You're on equal footing. You've still got your ex in your head. My advice is, you both need to let go of the past.
Sorry to offend anyone. That's just the way I see it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (14 October 2017):
 Next time he mentions her, ask him if he sees any point in you two carrying on seeing each other, as his heart is obviously elsewhere.
There is no saying, of course, that SHE will want anything to do with HIM. I had an ex contact me after many years apart, despite him being married to the woman he cheated on me with, telling me how he still thought of me and how he could understand if I hated him, blah blah blah. I told him, very politely but firmly, that he was part of my past and that was where I wanted him to stay. HOWEVER, even if that does turn out to be the case, are you just going to hang about waiting to see what happens? And, if she does turn down his advances, still hang in there knowing you are some sort of "consolation prize"?
Sweetheart, you are worth so much better.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2017): Oh Honeypie, excellent points as always! Thank you for helping me think this through. Everything you say makes sense. You post the things I know inside, but can't always put into words. Thank you so, so much! [Original poster of question.]
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 October 2017):
 I do think it is a red flag.
He has spent the last 35 (ish) years wondering what became of her and felt bad for that long that he was an asshole to her. 1. I don't buy it. 2. It's ridiculous.
How hard would it have been ANY time in the last 12 years to find her on Facebook and see what she has been up to? Not hard at all. Having OTHER people involved to find out about her seems more for "show" to make a point of trying to make yourself look like you are now SO much better of a person.
And IF he really felt bad about how he treated her in HighSchool he would have found a way WAYYYYY back when to apologize.... Wouldn't you think so?
The fact that he says he would MARRY her if he could go back in time is what makes this the most poignant. It's like YOU don't matter but this "ghost" from the past is now somehow turned into the super ideal woman.
Personally? I'd wish him well, cut the contact and walk away. There is NO way I'd want to feel like I was someone competing against someone he KNEW and HURT 35(ish) years ago. Like I am second best to her? NO.
You don't think the MOMENT he can get a chance to talk to her, he will? That he won't bring out all the "romantic bullshit" of apologizing and having regrets about not marrying her and blah blah blah? And let's say her marriage is sucking these days, who is to say she isn't going to fall for the bullshit?
Yep, I'd walk away now. You two have only really been dating for 2 months and he has already ADDED a 3rd person to the relationship. The "ghost" of the ex-GF.
...............................
|
