A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,I have been with my boyfriend for three years as of two days ago. I know he watches porn, even though he's been hesitant to admit it. I am not comfortable with porn, but our agreement is that as long as he clears his search history and I don't see it it's fine, cause *all men do it*. Aside from one incident with backpage.com a couple of months into our relationship (just looking and texting his friend about it, "joking around") whenever I have seen something it has been just porn.Now, I'll admit I snoop every once in awhile. Some people think that's wrong, I think people cheat on each other after 25+ years together and I'd rather not be oblivious if a guy leaves evidence lying around. I'm not saying I do this even close to once a month, but every once in awhile I'll look at his texts and it's usual guy stuff. However, a week or two ago I saw his cousin talking to him about the password for a webcam girl website. I decided to ignore it.However, yesterday I had gotten out of the shower and came into my room to grab clothes. My boyfriend was laying on the bed on his laptop and ran out cause he had to use the bathroom. I looked at his laptop and a webcam girl site was listed at #3 on the top sites homepage in safari. No snooping involved. I kind of took this as a sign that I needed to talk about it. I feel extremely hurt and betrayed. I feel like this is very different from regular porn (why do guys always talk about how they like natural, not-slutty girls but use their spare time to watch porn anyway?). I feel like this is one tiny mini step below cheating. When I confronted him he thought I was overreacting then admitted to not only looking at that site but the one his cousin gave him a password to. I'm not an idiot and there's only a couple of reasons why you would need to use a site that requires a password versus a free one. My question is, is my reaction valid? I don't think he went in with the intention of quasi-cheating, but at the same time why does he feel the need to "upgrade" to this level of porn after we've been together for three years? We're both gone a lot for work, school, other things, but I feel our sex life is great. I don't know how to feel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2014): I am similar to you, I am not comfortable with the idea of porn, luckily my boyfriend has never watched porn. So, yes. Not all men watch porn. It is completely normal to not feel comfortable with it but it's important to tell him this. I would calmly confront the situation and explain how it makes you feel. However, he could have a fetish of some kind that he isn't telling you about because he is afraid and looking else where for it. Ask about this aspect, see where you get.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2014): I'd dump them on being interested in porn alone to be honest but that's just me. The "all men do it" comment is what men say so you won't leave them for someone else.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Not all men watch porn. Many do, but not all.
If you're not happy with your boyfriend watching porn, you need to tell him so.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 November 2014):
 Actually, I think you've broken your word with your boyfriend. You can't "be okay" with it as long as he clears his cache and then turn around and snoop on him. You can't "be okay" and then surveil him on HIS laptop.
What are you doing, anyways? If your trust issues are at THIS level that you have to invade his privacy all the time, and your insecurities are such that you already have accused him and every man you will ever run into in your life of inevitably cheating by 25 years into a relationship, then YOU are the one with the problem! You will sabotage a really good relationship like you're doing right now, because no one can withstand constant snooping, checking up, and trust issues, especially ones you justify.
In fact, you snooping constantly means YOU break trust in your relationship. Trust means respect, and respect means you respect his space, his privacy, and you stand behind your words that as long as it's not in your face, he's okay to do what he needs to in private.
99% of people who use webcam sites aren't paying for it, but usually seeing pre-recorded stuff, OR it's a pop-up on the free porn sites. I have no problem with my husband watching porn at all (I think it's gross and ask him to do the same thing so I don't have to see "Creampie in the eye from busty blonde whore" or some sort of nasty site search (YES, I know creampies aren't in the eye, you porn sicko male uncles! hee :D), but I feel the same way about people who take a #2 with the door open. I DON'T WANT TO SEE OR SMELL THAT!
You should be concerned about your trust issues, because you're about to destroy your relationship. I would have a problem with paying and TALKING to webcam girls, which is why 95% of guys who see webcam sites don't actually whip out the credit card to do it. I Don't think your guy is doing that either. You can have a talk with him if you must, but I think you're really overreacting, and to tell the truth, you have a lot to answer for, because how can you demand honesty from him if you're going behind his back stalking his every move and click when he is NOT cheating on you?
By the way, I've been with my husband 16 years, having dated 5 years after that, and nobody's cheated! His parents have been married for 45 years, and they haven't cheated. My parents were likewise married for 45 years until my father died last year. Who the hell told you that people had to cheat 25 years in?? Not only that, but if you're so sure cheating is inevitable, why be miserable digging and stalking and snooping for every scrap of evidence, manufacturing evidence if you don't find any outright, and generally making yourself miserable and choking the life out of every relationship you have?
That's obsession, and you need to get help in dealing with it. If you've been cheated on in the past, you need to not hold every future guy responsible for past pain.
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