A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship for three years with a really nice guy. It just seems that I am in limbo. When I ask if we have a future together his response is yes, nothing else. I’ve even asked if I have been wasting his and my time for these years and he tells me no. Vague response. This past weekend I went camping with him. His parents have a cabin next to his which kind of made it impossible to have any alone time other than at night. I do need to explain that he works midnight turn and, he has to work three weeks straight to have a weekend off. Our alone time is limited because of how he works. Saturday he told me he was going to take his niece to play basketball for half hour and when he returned we would go to the pool together. An hour goes by and I am waiting, two hours and still waiting, almost three hours and he returns not telling me he was back, but, sitting on the deck talking to his niece and sister about basketball. When it hit him that I was there waiting on him, he did not attempt to apologize for being gone for so long nor say for us to go to the pool. I was really upset. When I told him why I was upset he went off on me, accusing me of being jealous of niece, and he did nothing wrong. I tried to explain that I was not jealous of his niece, but I expected him to do what he promised with me, and how our alone time is limited. I have never seen him so angry, he could not even talk to me without raising his voice and the expression on his face was so different. Then, it came out, that I was just like his former girlfriend and she was jealous of his niece too. I lost it. I said there must be something to it that two strangers are in your eyes jealous of your niece. He said nothing. The rest of the weekend was different. Sunday night the family was watching the basketball game on the TV outside, I really don’t care for basketball so I went in the cabin and was reading. I even told him what I was doing. The family had champagne to toast the niece’s father birthday. I was not included, never asked, ignored. Am I wrong to be upset what happened?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 May 2015):
 What does it mean when two strangers in his eyes are jealous of his niece? It means he probably is crushing on his niece but hates to be called out on it. How did I come to this conclusion? All the female friends I know have at least one creepy uncle who get touchy feely with relatives. I myself have an uncle, married. Whenever we have a family gathering he would try to get close to me, take pictures of me and I would not suspect anything until I had time alone to think. If I wanted to go get ice cream or gifts in town he would excitedly volunteer to come with me. My mom also told me in the past he touched her hand and tried to linger with that touch.
His ex fiance probably was more direct about this. He denied and called her jealous instead. Sure young girls are more attractive, no one can deny that but this strange dynamic of the relationship surely is nothing to be jealous of. With a father daughter age gap it is too much to be talking for hours. I guess when you have feelings for someone it would never be boring, but he should be having those feelings for you, not for a relative. He secretly is ashamed he has feelings for a younger relative so he thought his anger would make him more innocent.
If he treats you like you are invisible then no wonder why he is vague about the future. I guess you are age appropriate for him but as far as fantasies go you do nothing for him.
I don't think he is an abusive person but just having mid life crisis and hate getting old.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): People do get upset. Every-time a man gets angry at you doesn't make him abusive. You can play that card if you like; if you think it makes your post draw you more empathy; or slants the story more in your favor. Too bad he and his niece don't get to tell their side of the story.
I doubt that you whisper when you're angry, and you've never lost your temper with your boyfriend; and expressed it in a way that may have been out of character for you. It would be a lie if you denied it; because every sane adult at one time or another has lost it. It doesn't make them abusive.
Abusive-behavior is usually consistent; and becomes a predictable negative-response that occurs again and again. Not like normal temper flair-ups we all have here and there.
We're getting a one-sided account, and have to take you at your word.
Now you've taken your post to one accusing him of being abusive. Be that the case, why are you looking forward to a future with an abusive, scary, and aggressive man who compares you to his ex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI must admit this side of my boyfriend has reared its ugly head more since the beginning of the year. I was married to an abusive man, I swore to myself I would never put myself in that situation again. Saturday the expression on his face was so disturbing, it was scary. When he started to yell at me that he did nothing wrong and I was jealous of his niece it reminded me of what his mother said about his former fiancé when I started to date him. Then, when he accused me of the same thing as her, I was hurt. He has never compared me to her and to have that comment thrown in my face hurt. He never apologized for the comment. I did make the statement that there must be something if two people were upset over the same thing. He did not say a word.Reason I did not go to watch them shoot baskets, first I was not invited, second, there was nowhere to sit and I recently had knee surgery; thus the reason I stayed at the cabin. There was not a victory for the niece. I did not watch the Cavs game on TV Saturday night because it did not interest me. Reason I have stayed with him, simple, I honestly love him. Thought we had future but recently with vague answers and idle promises I don’t feel we do. I appreciate the answers that you took time out to send.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 May 2015):
 Maybe you are invisible???? Try putting some paint upon yourself... and see if B/F (or, any of the rest of the family) notices that you exist.......
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (26 May 2015):
I would be upset too because I am quite literal about time. It's a courtesy to let the other know you can't make it by a certain time. He is in the wrong here and trying to shift the blame on you. It sounds like you are tagging along in the trip and he's not including you in the family gathering.
If he is a really nice guy and this is out of character for him, then he must be under a lot of pressure to make everyone happy. A good host is someone who could find common ground in all guests and make sure no one feels left out. I think you need to connect with his niece about girly things too, besides basketball, so your boyfriend sees that you are not jealous of her. Your boyfriend is a person who takes it very personally whenever you voiced discontentment. One thing you learn about him is that you can never trust him with time. He also sounds bitter about the past relationship. I think he is only nice up until something reminds him of his ex girlfriend then he snaps. You are not satisfied with the relationship and you have the right to feel that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): Yes, you made a fool of yourself being angry that he spent time with his niece and family; when you could have just joined in. You didn't opt to go to see her play and give your support. I find that odd, if you want a future with someone. It would seem you'd want to get closer to the family.
You and that narrative about how you don't spend time together; and how he's vague about the future. Well, why are you still with him?
Things could have gone better if you used diplomacy and a calmer head. You could have expressed your disappointment in a civil manner, without anger, and without letting everyone know you were pissed-off. Because he spent extra time with a "kid," to celebrate her team victory and discuss the game? You should have been there to share the celebration. Instead you sat and pouted. You isolated yourself to show your anger; and that reflects poorly on you.
Is there a future for you? Probably not, after this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2015): HiYou are absolutely within your rights to be furious! He promised something and then completely ignored what he had said. When you dared to pull him up on it, he managed to deflect his wrong doing onto you by calling you jealous etc. It's called 'deflection' and is a tactic used by abusive partners. You may not think of him as abusive and if this is his only misdemeanor, then it is perhaps a bit strong, but he knows precisely what he's done. By getting angry with you and 'defining' you he is trying to make sure you don't question him any more. Defining is another tactic and it involves your partner telling you what you are thinking, what you are feeling and what your motives are etc etc. The 'defining' comments are always negative and usually untrue. You find yourself always on the defensive against these comments and that is what they are designed to do. Put you on the offensive and stop you being on the offensive i.e. being able to pull them up on their behaviour. I suggest you buy some books on abusive relationships because this is perhaps what you are dealing with. It will arm you with information, so you can recognise what he is doing. In response to your question, are you wrong to be upset? Try to trust your feelings. You are upset for a reason. Men like this try to throw you off your centre, so that you start to question yourself. You ARE upset and that is enough. Good luck
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