A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need help. I thought I was on the road to recovery but I guess not. I am married and have been for 12 years. We have 3 sons together. For pretty much my whole marriage,I've been unhappy. I met another married man about 4 years ago and fell head over heals in love with him. Things were going great for a while and then about 4 months after our relationship started ,he up and left with no explanation. Not even a goodbye. I knew his wife had found out about me but she didn't know the whole story. About a year and a half later ,he got back in touch with me. I was shocked and yet thrilled to hear from him. He said he was sorry he had to leave like that ,he gave me all the reasons why he did. I fell back in love with him all over again,although I never stopped loving him. He was still married and obviously so was I. Our relationship continued on for a couple more years but it was always stressful. I always felt like I was never good enough and no matted how awful his wife treated him and their 2 kids,he would still stick by her. This hurt me inside to the point it was hard for me to function. I became more and more depressed but tried to hide it. He would talk about leaving her and being with me. We talked about marriage a few times ,even having a child together. I knew this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and when I felt that I myself was ready to take that next step( I thought he was too). He told me he wasn't ready. I was heartbroken and I didn't understand it. At this time,my Husband was trying to make up for loss time ,he was trying to be a better Husband but I didn't care. I was so wrapped up in the other married man. I fell out of love with my Husband a long time ago,I guess it happened due to him being a jerk for so long. I still continued to have a relationship with the married man but as time went on ,he began to call me less,email me less,time went by and was hadn't seen each other for weeks. He told me he was really stressed and busy with work and had a bad time at home. I thought it was going to be temporary ,until one day the communication completely stopped. This went on for 3 months. I thought he had dumped me again but then he emailed me again one day,coming back saying very similar things that he did the last time. I was spent,heartbroken and I felt like I was worthless and it took all the strength I had but I ended the relationship with him. That was 4 months ago and it still hurts so bad. I wonder if I made the right decision even though I know how awful it felt everyday I had to wake up and wonder what was going to happen that day. I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop. In his emails to me ,before I broke it off. I felt he was sincere and he just assumed I knew he was overwhelmed etc but I had no idea really what was happening. I still feel sick inside about this. Yes I do feel I did the right thing but I love him so much and just the other day,I saw him when I was out and about. He didn't see me. I wonder if I will always feel this horrible. I broke up with a man that I love so much but I felt like I had no choice and that I knew I was wrong for cheating on my Husband. I hate thinking about him ,I hate missing him and I hate loving him. I really need some assurance that I did the right thing because lately I feel really weak. I miss him so much. I know we would have been good together. It's not fair that we're not together. Help,please.Am I doomed to be miserable?
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male
reader, JLD +, writes (16 January 2011):
YES YES YES!!!! I just did the same thing 2 weeks ago...We were never lovers,but things got too close and weird for comfort.My MW was under the delusion as long as we didn't sleep together we really werent doiing anything wrong! Bottom line...I fell for the MW like a ton of bricks and spent the Christmas holidays in absolute misery...I told my wife I would no longer see this "friend"...It was taking too much of my energy away from where it belonged...My faltering marriage!...A quick and dirty goodbye to my MW (from a IM no less...what class we have!) and it was adios to the MW of my dreams and nightmares....Long and short of it...Emotional/non sexual affairs are FAR WORSE than physical flings.Real feelings get involved and that's that! She actually wanted to hang out this year as friends! I mean, "duhhhhhh!!!"...Nearly ruined everything in my life right before my eyes.I was BLINDED and BLINDSIGHTED by this...Advice?? Date when you're divorced or single.Married dating sucks!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2009): you are still so obsessed with this married man. i will not focus too much about your lover but ill talk toyou about your hb whom you seem to have forgotten about while you indulged with this MM.
you say that you do not love your hb so it is time to release him from this nightmare of a marriage to you. for 4 yrs you have been having sex with someone else yet you blame your hb for failing in your marriage. your hb deserves the right to be loved and clearly that person is not you. do not continue to be selfish, release him so that he can go out and find a true woman to love him, yes with his faults. it is so very easy to blame this faithful man when you have been consumed by your lover. all your energies have been spent on your married lover and not on your hb.
adulterers are very very selfish, they contibue with their lovers yet want the appearance of a loving faithful marriage. you live a farce and expect compassion for straying. where is your compassion for your hb. when you were having sex with your lover did you ever think of your hb and even your 3 kids? or were you just too caught up in your affair. you have stole from your husband for over 4 yrs, you have used his resources, his time, his love, his committment. you knowingly embarked on this affair with this man. you did not care about his marital status. you did not care about this wife. you beleived every lie regading his wife but trust me, she is not a whore. he is with her because he wants to be. he choose her and this speaks volumnes. if she was such a witch would your good lover go back all the time.
if you are so unhappy then please leave, you cannot and should not blame your hb for your unhappiness. you have actually created it. how could you be unhappy for 12 yrs yet bare 3 kids. did anyone force you to have them. no, you could have stopped after the first one. if your marriage and hb was so aweful then how come you still continued to have sex with your hb. surely this proves that he is not the piece of shit you paint him to be.
you created this mess in your life. did you think your lover was the prince who was coming to rescue you from your miserable life. did you even consider the impact on his wife and his family. no, you just enjoyed him.
for the past 4 yrs you did not care about your marriage, all energies were taken over with feeling of lust for your MM. you did nothing to make your marriage work. you just used your hb but enjoyed the sex with another man. imagine if it was your hb f*cking around. we all would be up in arms, berating him for his affair. yet, we are so comforting, so compassionate, oh so tender to you feelings of not being with your lover.
get over it. have you considered your marriage or are your thoughts only consumed by your lover. you have destroyed your self worth, for what. for some shameful sordid encounters with this MM. I PITY YOUR HB AND YOUR KIDS. THEY DESERVE BETTER and if you want to stop this selfish behaviour then you know what you need to do. do not paint your hb as a jerk, he tried to mend the marriage, he tried to be a better hb. you just did not care.
you want to do the right thing. then release your hb. he deserves happiness and it is so evdent that you do not make him happy. all this while he was thinking it was him, little did he know that you were the one messing the marriage up. you can blame your hb for some things but please do not blame him for everything. at least be honest.
please, in future, steer clear of married men and steer clear of affairs. once you free your hb then you can do whatever you like. but at least respect him. give him the respect that your married lover did not give you. you owe your bh that at least.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009): I too also broke it off with my married lover. I was not looking to start a affair. I admit that I was lonely, but still never planned for this to happen, but a married man tagged me, in the beginning, we would just im each other, he pursued me for three weeks. He had told me much about his life in general. I told him very little about my life,at first, but then as we kept talking every night, I to trust him. We met for lunch and got along well. I became smitten, he was kind, complementing me very much, which I was missing in my own marraige. We became involved in a love affair for about three months. He told me that he was married,but it was a sexless marraige. He also said nothing would come of the affair, cause he loved his wife and would not leave her. I closed my eyes and ears to this, because I was not looking for a relationship. I too was in a sexless marraige.So something happened and I believed and trusted him, I felt I loved him and could handle the affair. As we continued, I noticed some of his true nature emerging, he became irritated with me, he was my first lover, and I did not know about secrecy, covering up our affair etc. I was so nervous and quilty, I made many mistakes. I did not ever say anything in my defense, because I did not want to lose him. I began to notice, that he was not as attentive to me as in the begining, but I stayed in the relationship. He would make dates and then break them, he began to call and write less to me. I got the feeling, he was getting tired of me.I attempted to end the affair five times, but he kept coming back to me, and I kept giving in to him. I also felt and found out that he was writing to other woman. I then really began to feel sorry for his wife. One time she really needed his support,he pretended he was there for her, but in reality, he was lining up other women for himself. I then said it was time for us to end this affair. I told him I knew about the other women, and lanquage toward me got quite obscene. I then said I had felt guilt and sad for his wife. He told me that I hurt him with my accusations because it was not true. He just needed a friend to hold and make love too. I of course felt hurt, used etc. He said we were a no go, because I kept attemting to leave him. I am still having a terrible time over this. I am a older woman, he was my first love affair. but I won't be his last. He has everything good in his life, but it is still not enough for him. To think he really loves his wife. Lies, sneaky. Never seems to get caught. At least I finally got out of it. What goes around comes around. I pray for him, that he sees the error of his ways.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): Was it you that really broke up with him or was it just a case that you relised that he had broke of all contact with you on more than one ocassion. He breaks of all comunication with you when the going gets a little tough, then comes and goes, doesn't have the courtesy to even say goodbye, you take him back then he repeats it all again, and breaks of contact with you again.
I think you are intellegent enough to read between the lines,he knows you have feelings and plays on this so he can come and go when ever it suits him from your life.
Now is that a good way to treat someone you care about,well if thats how you want to live your life him coming and going out of your life like a ship coming to port.
You have been his easy option when things get a bit crappy at home and he can't have much respect for you or your feelings what kind off person treats another like this.Then there is your husband well you dont sound like you have a lot of respect for him either (jerk) sometimes we have to give respect to recieve respect and then there's that old saying what comes around goes around, so maybe the affair new you were the kind that cheated behind mens backs (the jerk)and just seen you as someone that he could pick up and drop whenever it suited him.
You feel worthless because yes he used you, came and went to suit him,but you must also have a lot off guilt and then of course there is your husband who lets face it no matter what, never deserved to be treated so badly, you should have left and then met someone else not got involed with someone else's husband and father.
I think this is called Karma so I guess if you do to others then you have to take it back, sounds like you deserve this other man, then he can come and go and leave you feeling as miserable and worthless, as I am sure you have left another human being feeling your husband or the jerk as you call him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): He was married you were married tht is what was doomed and this is what has doomed you, all affairs always do end up in misery,I think you need a major look at you and your whole life much more than having affairs then you will have the answer to what it is you want not an OM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2009): Hmm...not doomed to be miserable.
Just a question, if your husband was such a jerk, why did you stay with him? Especially when you were no longer in love with him. Were you keeping your family together, or making sure that you would have someone in your life no matter what?
I think if you made the decision in the first place, then it has to be the right one. You wouldn't have done it otherwise. Since you have 3 sons and are married, I absolutely think that you did the right thing. Also, as 'bad' as his wife was (or so your lover portrayed), it is still no excuse to interfere with a marriage. I am sure you wouldn't like it if your husband had an affair with someone behind your back.
Life is short. You have made a commitment to being married.
To me, I only see 2 options: 1. You stay married and don't cheat again - focus on being a good mother and concentrate on making yourself happy in your relationship with your husband. Tell him what you're not happy about, and work on it together. If on the other hand he is a complete jerk and either cheats on you, or treats you like dirt, then perhaps think whether you want to continue with the relationship. You sound like you have already 'ended' it from your perspective anyhow - you no longer love him and have cheated on him. So why do you remain in this relationship? Is it selfish reasons?
I don't know anything about your situation, however I don't agree with cheating on your husband with someone else (especially a married man). It doesn't solve anything - it only complicates it incredibly and makes you miserable. No doubt your husband would be noticing the lack of love from your part as well.
Make up your mind - but most importantly, do the right thing.
We all have morals, and you have to work out what the right thing is for everyone concerned.
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