A
female
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anonymous
writes:I have asked about this before but no one replied. I am really desperate some have some opinion on my situation, ideally from an older male if there is anyone reading. (I am over 50)I got a job (which I cannot leave for financial and professional development reasons) about 18 mths ago. I am selling my home and my marriage is breaking up. One of my bosses is very upset that his wife has left him. I know he loves her, and I am fully aware he is confused and facing up to a life without her, but we have had an amazing rapport from the start and I have been supporting him emotionally, giving him perspectives on why she may have stayed so long, then left etc. He confides all sorts of very personal information to me as he knows he can trust me, that is not in question, but I have fallen for him big time in this process. He is so desperate for company that he is thinking of obtaining a wife abroad as he belives he is undesirable to women here. He does have poor health and is not the kind of guy I would have picked out and certainly not whilst my marriage is in the process of being dissolved, but I cannot sleep or function now without him being in my thoughts. To give the fuller picture, what is tearing me apart is not knowing how he feels about me, I am not expecting him to be 'in love' with me, I just enjoy supporting him and having his trust and confidence. If I tell him how I feel I could blow a professional friendship and if I don't, he could never know how much someone does care for him. When he is on his own with me he had said things implying he wants me to hang around, he once brushed my cheek in private as he had said something he regretted that was hurtful (comparing me to his wife), he won't attend meetings with me if we are on our own, and sometimes he looks at me longingly then tells me to go, plays me music that touches his heart, delays things I ask him to help me with so that I cannot leave. I feel that our colleagues sense we have this closeness and it is hard keeping a professional distance when we have no private time to talk to develop. At work with other people around we often ignore each other as I feel we are giving 'the wrong' impression which is really the right impression. I have often made excuses to leave him because I feel if I stay I will say more than I ought to so he may not suspect how I am feeling. He stopped replying to my supportive emails then complined I no longer send them to him!I am worried it is all in my head as I am distressed in my personal life and I need someone who is psychic to read what is going on in this guy's head!By the way, this isn't some temporary infatuation, I have been struggling with this for a year now and I am getting anxiety attacks because I want him so much. I would really appreciate some of you guys giving me some insight into if he may be feeling the same way by the things he has done with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with the BOSS thing, it is a problem, but in my area of work it is not unusual. "What if his marriage ended because of you?" I can say it definately has not, nor has mine ended because of him. I only knew him after she left him which I how I became close to him in the first place, but there is nothing tangable beyond that at the moment. "Lastly, it sounds like this guy has some confidence issues" He does think he is undesirable, yet otherwise he is extremely confident, in fact more so than me. We both work helping the public and have responsible jobs. He has had some years of previous independence whereas I have never been alone. If I was honest, I have been using my husband and stayed so long because I am afraid of being alone, and recently I realised the lonliness in my marriage may be worse than taking a risk to leave(there are many other issues entwined, sex, money etc.)so it is not just a case of the grass is greener!I have not gone looking for these feelings, they have just overwhelmed me at a vulnerable time and I have to work with him every day. Both our marriages were over before this happened and he has lived alone for over a year already, and I live seperately to my husband.Thank-you for the other answers of being his friend. It is what I am trying to do whilst also keeping myself together, but some days are easier than others. I also have the stress of paying off my husbands business debts, and a daughter who tried to kill herself recently. Life is not straightforward with one problem at a time.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2006): As much as you want him, there are still boundaries that you must respect. One being that he is still married and the other being his unresolved feelings for his soon-to-be-ex. But the most important boundary right now is that he is still your BOSS. You are treading on very thin ice from a professional perspective.
Another thing that should give you pause: What if his marriage ended because of you? Without realizing it, he may have engineered the failure of his marriage by not properly resolving his feelings for you. Sure, he didn't leave his wife and didn't initiate the final act, but emotionally he may have left her months ago.
Lastly, it sounds like this guy has some confidence issues - someone who cannot handle being alone is going to be extremely needy. While you might not be bothered by his neediness initially, it will eventually hang around your neck like lead jewellery.
You have already cultivated a friendship with this guy, and you also have the experience of living with an intimate partner. Are you considering pursuing him simply to relieve your own feelings of loneliness? Are you prepared to accept that he may be self-centred and that he may burden you with this flaw?
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2006): Stay friends for now but do not rush into anything until you are both clear of your past realtionships and can think clearly. i know this will be difficult but it will be best for future happiness. I am sure he probably does have feelings for you but his heart has been broken and he cannot think straight and has lost all self worth for the time being. Just be good friends and support each other for now, if it was meant to be it will happen in the future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2006): I would advise being a good friend to this man right now, offer him your support and listen to what he has to say. I know it will be hard when your feelings are much stronger than this but he won't be able to give u his heart until he is over his ex-wife completely. I think he does like u but his thoughts will be elsewhere at the moment. Give him time to get over her without any pressure, if he doesn't u may have to consider whether or not u can have him as just a friend or whether u should b moving on with your life and finding happiness with someone who can give u just that.
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