A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I haven't needed to ask for advice in a long time, but i've found myself in a bit of a situation. So I met this guy in my first year of University, we were living in the same halls, and we knew each other from nights out, lets call him Jack. We weren't particularly close but we'd talk a little. Later on in the year, I met Sam, a close friend of Jack. Eventually, Sam and I ended up becoming official, all through the rest of first, second and almost to the end of third year. So it was a fairly long relationship.Now in third year, Jack and Sam were living together, and as I got on really well with all his housemates and obviously I wanted to spend time with my boyfriend, I pretty much ended up living there with him (my house was on the same street so it hardly mattered).My boyfriend works a lot, and isnt really interested in partying and nights out, so I found myself spending a lot of time with Jack, just hanging out, watching TV etc, and as both of us love to go out clubbing, we'd always see each other out and usually share a taxi back. Basically, we became pretty close.Towards the end of final year, things between Sam and I weren't the best, but because we were all studying for our finals at the time, neither of us bothered addressing the issues for a few months, instead we were more like platonic friends. During this kinda time, i'd noticed when I was out on a night out with friends, when i'd see Jack he'd usually become quite attached, he'd hang onto me and we'd dance together, get drinks, generally have fun. At first I thought it was purely just friendly but people started mistaking us for a couple/ someone he'd just pulled and a few of my friends started suggesting he had feelings for me, but didn't want to act upon them for obvious reasons. The thing is with Jack, he's very sweet but not once in three years have I ever seen him approach a girl he liked. He never makes a move. When he's drunk he's a lot more outgoing etc but even so he still isn't a ladies man at all (I used to think he might be gay!).Anyway, after a totally out of the blue conversation, Sam and I split up, but it was very amicable and we remained friends. Over the next couple of weeks, whenever I saw Jack (and it was usually whilst out as I wasn't round their place much anymore) things took a new turn and I really got the feeling he wanted to make a move, but obviously was stopping himself. I started to feel something for him, I mean i've always liked him and got on really well with him, but suddenly something clicked. I think both of us tried to avoid it, up until the last ever night out, where everyone was in tears about leaving! We ended up kissing. I don't think either of us were shocked, as I know i'd seen it coming for quite a while, but I still felt terrible the next day.Jack and I rarely speak or text now, as he's at the opposite end of the country, and he's going to a new job soon (which is only about an hour away from me, but even so). Over the past few months i've found myself thinking about him quite a lot, I don't know if he feels the same, because I doubt he'd do anything if he did. But then i'm not doing anything either! Like I say, we exchange the occasional message but I think we both are trying not to look too friendly, because a few people now have commented on how they think we're into each other.Sam has often "joked" that Jack fancied me, but he actually asked me if I was into him, and I lied and said no. Sam is a very jealous type, and I desperately don't want to be "that girl" i.e to split up two good friends!Sam and I are sharing a flat next year as we both are working close by, and neither of us could afford one on our own (and literally everyone else had a place). I was a bit skeptical about it, but realistically we're hardly going to be in the flat and we both still are friendly, and have agreed not to bring girls/guys back to the flat. This is most likely a short term soultion, a year max so I agreed.Basically, to sum up, I can't stop thinking about Jack, but I feel like I probably don't have another choice. It's past the days when we could all mess around and laugh about bad decisions because we're young, I think I have to grow up and start making really life choices. I don't want to upset Sam, as he still is one of my best and closest friends, but if Jack could be 'the one' (I hate that term but you know what I mean) then I don't want to lose him. Do I ask him about all of this? I don't want to look like a total fool if i've misread everything (which I don't think I have)- because Jack would only tell Sam (or another friend and it would get back to him), and then i'd be stuck living with someone who hates me. Any advice would be welcome, thanks for letting me get this off my chest!
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clubbing, drunk, his ex, jealous, kissing, split up, text, university Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you :)
Actually Sam and I were totally in love for a long time, but I think things just fizzled out after a few years. I know for sure that he would not be happy about this.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (11 August 2014):
 If Jack really is "the one," then nothing could stop you even you tried to get back together with Sam, or date other people. For now, you forget him by focusing on your studies. Sam didn't say you can't date, just that if you want to stay over with a guy it has to be at that guy's place. Sam probably found that you two were not compatible because of different lifestyles.
I read your story twice and I wasn't very clear how your relationship with Sam started and how you broke up. It seems like you and Sam tried dating and the feelings weren't too strong from either side. Still, if you want "the one" to feel special to you, it's best to stay away from guy pals. Date outside your circle. "The one" will make a move on you, sweep you off your feet and it won't feel awkward.
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