A
female
age
30-35,
*irefly23
writes:Sorry, this is going to be long, but I do really appreciate your help! Here is my full story, for those of you who read/answered my last post.First things first, I am a female who has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. If you do not know, this is a mood disorder that effects emotions and how much they impact me. It also effects how I think, i.e. my brain works in terms of black and white. If my puppy dies, I may think that I will never get another dog quite like the last one. So on and so forth. Anyway, the disorder did not start truly effecting me until around two years ago. Long story short, I met a boy. We ended up dating each other for three and a half years, but eventually split up, due to every aspect of our relationship being effected by my disorder (that I was not aware of).While we were living apart, I could not bear to spend a few hours away from him. I became jealous of his friends or of his time spent engaging in other hobbies. I accused him weekly of having roaming eyes and felt uncomfortable just about every time we made love, due to my own personal insecurities. This went on for the duration of our relationship until one particular morning where I felt terrible about myself. This had happened plenty before, but this time, things escalated out of control. We ended up exchanging unforgivable words and broke up four days later.Another long story short, I have fully gotten over the break up and am currently dating a new guy! It's amazing what therapy can do; though, here comes the part where I need your help. I've been dating my new boyfriend for eight months and things have already started off a little rocky. I can see the disorder is effecting this relationship. Not as much as the previous one, but yet, a noticeable amount. Do you think I can stop this from happening? I really care about this guy, and don't want to lose him, because of something I am now aware of.Thanks for reading. Later, tater.
View related questions:
broke up, jealous, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, lilmissfit +, writes (21 October 2013):
 I too have boderline personality disorder and it has affected all my relationships negatively. I can get really jealous at times accusing my man of wanting, looking, and imagining being with other women. Also, when I feel sad I'm really sad and angry, I'm really angry. Anxious, I'm super anxious. Also bpd tends to effect self-esteem negatively which involves body image issues etc. I may get extreme feelings at times and not be able to control them so I will yell and scream, throw things, and get violent to just feel utterly embarrassed about it right after trying to mask the fact I have issues. I have threatened suicide and self-harm also caused harm to myself and others because of bpd. I interpret and perceive things negatively in my mind thinking the world is out to get me. It has effected my social behavior and I've become somewhat of a cave dweller. I'm shy and nervous around others and my boyfriend treats me like shit. I don't know how many times I've begged my partners not to leave me in some dire need of comfort and false stability. All I want is to be loved and understood. I care so much about the world and I am deeply saddened by what society has become and the depletion of the earth. Trust me the bpd issue will follow you through all your relationships if you don't follow up with therapy and join d.b.t classes. Its all about rewiring your brain to think a different way and to reason with yourself before jumping to conclusions. They say the negative impacts of bpd die down after your 20's , I'm only 26 and still hoping to get somewhat of a grasp on it. I am on medication which helps somewhat but I need to build more self esteem . Its tough, hang in there girl you can overcome this
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (24 August 2013):
Dear OP,
First of all, I think it's great you already know what your problem is (borderline) and you're seeing a therapist and getting results! Take your time to appreciate that, you're doing better and you're working on your problems.
Don't only blame yourself for the last break up and for all the difficulties that might arise in your new relationship. It always takes two people and your partners aren't perfect either. But keep in mind that the emotional ups and downs and the extreme accusations that you might make because of your disorder can leave others feeling helpless, distressed, sad, guilty and confused.
What I could recommend is that you try to be open about your diagnosis and the consequences and that you speak to your partner, in a calm moment, how he should best act in case you're becoming too emotional or clingy. Or accusatory. If you become angry.. maybe it's better if he just leaves you to calm down, instead of arguing with you.
I think you also need to learn how to be able to be alone.
If your happiness rises and falls with someone else being around, it will always be very difficult to have a healthy relationship. I'm not saying it's easy to learn how to be alone, but if you can have a happy afternoon by yourself, or spend an evening alone and do stuff you like, I'm sure you will reduce the drama in your new relationship.
Maybe you can work on this in therapy, or alone. Find things you can do all by yourself that distract you from negative thoughts and worries about your partner. Try to be alone for a while and reward yourself for improvement (don't punish yourself if it doesn't work, though!).
Anyway, what I wanted to tell you: You're still young, so there's much time left to learn about how to have a good relationship. I believe that your diagnosis is affecting your love life, but also keep in mind that every adult struggles with relationships. Having a happy sex life, fulfilling each others wishes, finding a compromise between closeness and distance, all this is a challenge, for everyone.
Wish you all the best. E.
...............................
|
