A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,My boyfriend of a little over a year has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He's seen psychologists since he was 10, anger management, therapy, medication, etc. (he's in his twenties now). Maybe I was afraid, or just downright ignorant but I never looked up his disorder. I love him very much and care very deeply about his wellbeing everyday and leaving him is not an option. It's hitting me hard after researching BPD because i'm realizing i'm not completely crazy and irresponsible as a girlfriend as I had previously thought. I convinced myself that i may have gaps in my memory, that I'm clumsy and I make life difficult for him and I should try harder and harder. There have been instances where he has said we went somewhere for dinner, got me something for christmas, went to see a movie and all of these events i don't recall or have any memento of. Daily things such as the blankets not being arranged on the bed properly, people crowding and bumping into him on the bus, letting the cat meow while he's still sleeping, putting my cold hands on his shoulder, the tap leaking in the kitchen... He will lash out and show complete and utter frustration and it looks like a storm cloud has settled over his head and his entire demeanour for the day ruined. He'll look at me in almost anger but it isn't directed toward me, its the response his emotions took to the stimulus. He'll see my face is upset if not frightened and he'll ask what's wrong. Inevitably, his emotions escalate out of control, we miscommunicate (because I'm not comprehending his frustration isn't directed toward me and he doesn't know why my face looks so frightened and sad). He expresses that he struggles daily with his emotions, with feeling and when his emotions become too overwhelming I've witnessed him, on multiple occasions, dissociate and completely leave his own body for almost an hour. I love him with all of my heart, and no matter what emotional obstacle we have faced, we've overcome them together. No matter how much emotional miscommunication we have initially, we always work it out and are able to speak calmly eventually. But how do you talk to someone with BPD that they get overwhelmingly frustrated and it feels like they lash out at you. It hurts me deeply because it always feels like he has angry at me and he stresses that its not me. That he loves be deeply and that he just DOESNT KNOW why he's so upset with random spontaneous things that happen. I go around the house before he wakes up, fixing anything that may set off an episode and I never seem to succeed. I am very angry and overwhelmed that a lot of online resources label people with BPD as almost impossible to have relationship, as almost a monster you should stay away with for your own emotional safety. I would also like to add that I am a university student with not enough to go seek counselling or therapy. I'm continuing to look into it, alternative options with the university, free counselling etc., not for him, but for myself so I'm not worsening his situation. Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2014): You have self-elected to put yourself in the role of carer for this incredibly needy person. Whether his symptoms are curable or not, whether he is managing them correctly or not, even if he has been properly diagnosed or not, is in some ways absolutely besides the point.
The position that you have chosen to put yourself in is one of almost continual torture and torment, where you are constantly made to doubt your own judgements and your very natural and healthy responses to reality, in order to care for someone else.
You have your own, unacknowledged reasons for putting yourself in a position like this. By caring for him you are avoiding facing a lot of things in yourself that you'd rather not look at, the primary issue being feelings of emptiness and abandonment if you were not with him.
You are already co-dependent on him and you will become increasingly so. You will go down a route of numbing your own emotions in order to care for his outbursts and misaligned personality. You will increasingly isolate from people because no one will feel as 'real' as him; his dysfunctional personality will become so deeply inscribed into your psyche that everyone else will feel superficial of fake. Eventually you yourself will either become physically or mentally ill with the sheer stress of this relationship taking its toll on your life. When you do finally reach out to others for help it may well be too late - you will have a very long, tough job of trying to connect back to society because barely anyone will understand what you've been through with this person and you will also have to go into therapy to reconnect to your own emotions, which will be numb AND, I have to add, you will without doubt by that time be very, very angry underneath the facade that you learn to put out as your normal self.
I strongly suggest that you read up on co-dependency. What you describe as 'love' cannot possibly be love of the healthy kind in a situation like this - what you have instead is a means to stop you from having to become totally independent and face the world because you're scared, underneath, to do so.
Please get help now and see that, if you are already in a position where it is hard for you to do that - due to lack of finance or whatever reason - then it is the relationship itself that is creating that hardship for you. The relationship will bleed you dry in every single way possible and is already threatening to cut you off from help. You must get help from a counsellor straight away or the situation of co-dependency will only get worse.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 June 2014):
 Can you please clarify what he's doing to manage his disorder?
You say "He's seen psychologists since he was 10, anger management, therapy, medication, etc. (he's in his twenties now)." but what is he doing right now, this month, this week, this day?
Is he taking his medication? Is he actively managing his condition?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2014): A lot of young women in-love come to this site; either already romantically-involved, or considering relationships with men who suffer from mental-health issues. Just knowing about a disease doesn't protect you during times of violent episodes. You can't always predict or anticipate how someone reacts in a fit of anger or rage.
When you think you love someone, you will dismiss sensible warnings, overlook potential threats to your safety; or even ignore specific details given by professionals. Who will not beat around the bush, and will tell you like it is. Whether you'll listen, is the question? You'll feel special and think you can calm the "beast," because he loves you. He isn't the problem. His illness is. How well he is responding to treatment is what you need to know!
You need to know specifically from "HIS" mental-health team; what it is you should know to maintain a safe and functional relationship with your boyfriend.
Do not try to put together your own approach through bits and pieces you've put together from internet sites that don't spell out specifically what you're dealing with in his personality; and the specific symptoms of his mental disorder. That is only information you can get from his family and doctors, not just reading about it.
They can tell you first-hand what you could possibly do that may trigger potentially violent reactions that might do you great harm. He doesn't mean to hurt you, but too many people have been seriously injured not knowing what they are doing; and who they were dealing with. His being sorry is not enough.
Don't go reading up and thinking you've got it all figured out. You have to know specifically what his issues are, beyond placing a name on it. You need to know that you'll be safe, how to react and handle acts of rage, and you need to know specifically if he can handle a relationship.
He is not a monster. Yet he frightens you. That is not ignorance; that is a human response to a potential threat to your safety.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 June 2014):
 I would start looking around for support sites for family member of people with BPD like,
http://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-help-a-loved-one-with-borderline-personality-disorder-part-1/0008746
http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/family-connections/
https://www.bpdcentral.com/support-groups/
Maybe even consider making an appointment were you go WITH him to see his psychologist.
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