A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi allLet me give you a short background first...married 13 years with 2 kids. I am bi myself,came out about 6 years ago. When I came out he was there as I said it outloud to both of us, and we came to an understanding I would not explore or experiment without him there. So chatting, etc he was there or knew about it all.This last year, I found pics of him in my lingerie that he sent to another guy while I was at doc appt. We go to counseling, and talk everything out. He is curious. Has no attraction towards men but wonders what it would be like doing oral on another man. He was in chatrooms,forums, you name it , and he told me about it. After lengthy discussions, we came to the agreement that if he wanted to chat, explore, experiment, we do this together.I am a very open minded person, and the last thing Id do is judge him, cuz I went through lots of emotions and all myself.So I was trying to understand why he hid it from me to begin with, and actually understood why...just like anyone would hide it,shame, embarrasmet,confusion, etc.Well, yesterday, I was on computer and we share same email client, was logged into his acct when I thought i was logged into mine, and saw that he was replying to personal ads locally for other married bi guys. He's continued to do this behind my back, even after I said Im ok with it,just dont hide anything from me, and here he is doing just that! Now Im not ok with it, its like it has turned from a beautiful thing that we could explore together to something thats tainted with betrayal and disgust.He says he trusts me, but feels stupid and awkward with me knowing, he wants to do this on his own. I can't handle that. I agreed to his terms when I came out, no nothing unless he's involved, but yet he cant agree to the same. Like his situation is a special case or something.We have dabbled in the swinger lifestyle..so I could play with other women, and even swap...he wasnt able to get his "member" going with the women, so with the other couples hubby, Id take one for the team lol But it goes to show that I am openminded, not controlling or posessive, just dont hide or lie. and now since he has, I can no longer trust him. and after 13 years, that's hard.So I am wondering what other bi married guys feel and think, am I missing something?I'm not handling this well, I dont like being lied to. I was starting to trust him again since he first started this cuz as I said he went behind my back...and now...poof...
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male
reader, harmony09  +, writes (20 March 2009):
hi there ,
I'm also a bi guy brief history was married wife ventured upon her own
Now were both bi however when we wedd we agreed that it would only
Be with one another that we would make love to.
Now bi guys in my experience are actually more honest n sensitive
And have certain believes like if you marry of in relationship you don't cross
The line .
After all it's commitment isn't it it's loyalty n love you aren't able too however if you can then you shouldn't be or get married I say .
I'm not judging a1 here mearly my believes .
Now to your husband to me if he can't do the job when yol were having a go
At swinging it couldve been he was after the guy not the girl
Or seen it as unfairhfull n just couldn't do it .
In what you mentioned about photos of him in your clothes sending off to other guys it sounds like something else .
You said he's bi curious hmmmm maybe
There seems to be a fad of wearing your clothes maybe it's going elsewhere
That's why he didn't tell you I actually thought what you did embarrassment he may be feeling however if it was mearly just to be with another guy no
I think it's down to wearing your clothes and sending them now he's Bern caught after trying to hide from you I don't actually blame you for losing your trust in him .
The unevitible will happen he will go with one of his dates from a site
It's how he'll do it as in wearing girls clothes or not if he does it's a sexual thing by that be feels insecure by wearing the clothes he feels more in control of his emotions and the circumstance he is in maybe he feels insecure by what's happend before .
I suggest sorry but help him explore his fantasy crazy as it may sound as sooner or later he'll do it wheather you know about it or not
What I mean is let hm wear your clothes around house see how he reacts to it
Not like yourself being upfront and honest about things means he's got plans already if there's no trust there's no relationship try encourage him see what happens
I know this sounds rather odd however he may think he's woman is why he couldn't manage other girl at swinger party
He could feel that your the one in control obtaining all the attention now he's wishing it
Anyway I wish you all the best with this
Tell him to be more open n honest with himself then he won't hurt the one that matters most to him he can't respect you much if he's keeping things from you nor trust as if he did he would have told you
Take care now
Hope your day if has sun fills you with happiness
May your inner light guide you
May love surround you
Xxx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2009): It's difficult, and maybe he isn't quite ready. As a bi guy, who would love to have been able to confide in a wife, I think you're a wonderful person in his life. Maybe let him try this alone. He's not a perfomer from what you've said, but he is a thinker. Talk to him, let him think this through, but let him do it alone. Problem is can you cope with this? You are both strong, if only I had the balls to go through what you as a couple have experienced. I admire you, don't let this put a damper on your relationship. It's another part of the journey. Hope this helps. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (30 December 2008):
 To start with when you engage someone else into your marital relationship you are aksing for trouble! Another woman could easily have taken your husband completely awayf from you. Being bi yourself and knowing how hard comming out was, how can you expect him to be different. It seems to be he is only testing the waters before he finally decides to jump right in.
It makes me wonder if the real reason you are upset is because you can't call the shots. Perhaps you are even a bit jealous that he is leaving you out of the loop. I wonder how long it took you to confess to him that you were BI! Lots of things can change this senario. Another man could wind up stealing your husband away! Good grief what's this world comming to. I don't mean to sound judgemental but it seems that you are only fine with things when you can keep or maintain a certain amount of control over his actions and feelings.
Sorry to say hon but for a really open minded person you sure have shut it quickly at the thought of your husband's curiosity and investigations about a bi lifesyle. You need to be a bit more lenient here. If you can select and take on another female then it's his right to do the same with a male. Personally I think you are best off to keep to yourselves and make the marriage work without bringing that kind of spice into it! In too many instances SPICE like that has ruinded many relationships and marriages.
Surely I understand you being a bit upset that you agreed to include one another but you are already bi, he is still working on finding out if it's what he wants or not. You certainly opened up a can of worms, now HE"S OUT FISHING. I just hope you two don't wind up PULLING IN SOME SHARKS! You stresssed it was ok for him to do it, but you resent his decision to try and do this alone. You did things your way. You are talking about a man here. They think a bit different than we do. They don't do things quiet the same as a general rule.
For you to feel disgusted and like you can't trust him for only this little indiscretion after 13 years of marriage, I question how solid the marriage was to start with. Think about it. This man you love so much is now UNTRUSTED and DISGUSTING, you think of it less than a special situation but to a man who isn't sure he want's to be bi it is a special situation. It's a lifestyle altering change and not to be considered or taken lightly.
As far as his member not being able to participate in a SWINGERS event, did it occur to you that maybe he loves you and he wasn't really into having sex with another woman. He could have been really trying to PLEASE YOU by doing this. Was it a mutual idea to SWING? Your words say that the last thing you would do is judge him. Well hon you already have! You are willing to throw away the good in your relationship just to be in control of this situation and SHOW HIM that things have to be on your terms or else!
You feel he lied to you, the fact is he hid things from you because he is probably still not comfortable with the fact that he is possibly Bi-sexual. He is about to engage in sex acts with another male. This isn't the norm for men in general. He perhaps things that he isn't comfortable with the idea that another male might tend to want sex with you also. Unless he's really into the SWINGING SCENE and Teh BI_SEXUAL SCENE he may not know how to deal with all of his feelings.
Girl don't you mess up and throw away 13 years with what might be otherwise a pretty great guy. I would suggest that you two find some other ways to SPICE up your lovelife and toss all that other mess to the wind. If you aren't EXTREMELY careful you are going to really botch things up and cause a world of mess for your children.
I PRAY THAT THE TWO OF YOU COME TO YOUR SENSES AND ACT LIKE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR CHILDREN.
I'm not going to judge you, I just hope you rethink your positions as a Mother and Father.............Husband and Wife and realize that some things are better left as they are. If you took wedding vows you might want to get them out and read them again. Love your husband girl and stop being angry at him for trying to do the same that you already are. He is probably trying to please you! I don't know that you should either one continue in your 3 ring CIRCUS, sometimes the one flying high from the trapeze no matter how good an artist they are.........FALL and that's the end of the ACT!
My BEST Wishes to you and your husband may this NEW YEAR be a better one......together................ONE ON ONE!
God bless,
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, prenezmoila +, writes (29 December 2008):
 I have no experience with this, I will tell you that much. But in the sense of general relationship advice, it sounds like you have a great deal of communication in your relationship, which is excellent. This could just take some more time for him to become comfortable with telling you everything. He wants to, but isn't ready to yet. Best of luck.
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