A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I've been dating this wonderful man for the past 2 years. We are almost official, getting married in 2 years. Just when I thought everything was perfect, I stumbled upon his char conversations that was saved in his mail. He had been chatting before we started dating and was still continuing to other random men. Video sex chat. It was disgusting. I was shattered and broken down. This happened in jan. I confronted him, to which he first denied and then later accepted him. He confessed telling that he was just curious and wanted, " to know how it felt like". It was only chatting, he swore he never met any guy in person. He promised he wouldn't do it again. I love him too much,( he does too )and forgave him and hoped he would never make me go through it again. Because of this, I started doubting and becoming clingy. I knew it but couldn't help it. We had our shares of fights, but somehow got through it with all the drama. Our sex life wasn't affected much. The problem is NOW, two weeks back, I found that he had registered again on a dating website. This time it was a gay website. And his sexual orientatation there was BISEXUAL. When I confronted him, he denied and later told me he was just curious. And that he never chatted. I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I utterly resent the implication that WiseOwl made that bisexual people are incapable of monogamous long-term relationships. That's just another symptom of bisexual people being outcast and hated by the straight AND gay communities.
Let me tell you, the myth that bisexual people cannot be monogamous and have "serious commitment issues" is just that...a MYTH. There is no hard scientific evidence that bisexual people are more likely to be adulterous or unfaithful than any group of any other sexuality. Personal anecdotes do not equal factual data.
What is the problem is not your boyfriend's sexuality, it is his way of dealing with monogamy and your relationship. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with his sexuality AT ALL and it does not affect his ability to be monogamous, what DOES affect his ability to be monogamous is if he's capable of monogamy at all-which has nothing to do with sexuality.
Some people cannot be monogamous regardless of their sexuality. And some people have different "boundaries" about what is cheating and what is not. It's time you and your boyfriend had a frank discussion about what he needs and wants from your relationship. It's time that you told him what you expect from him and what your "line" is that he cannot cross when it comes to flirting and sexual curiosity. Obviously his actions (again, that have nothing to do with his sexuality) are distressing you and that is unacceptable, so this needs to stop immediately. Explain, very directly, what your boundaries are and what you need from him.
I hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): Gay, straight, or anywhere in between; you have no guarantees of a person not wanting someone else. That being said, I will venture on to give you a little insight.
I am a gay man. I have dated men who claim to be bisexual. Only they know what gender they prefer, and to what degree. Those I know have serious commitment issues. Not over gender preference, but about being in long-term relationships. Their marriages ended in divorce after deception was discovered; or they simply decided to come out.
You don't deserve to have to deal with indecision or "curiosity." I won't.
You have, on more than one occasion, discovered that your boyfriend has been "curiously" searching sites that cater to either gay, or "bisexual" men.
If he was a straight man, you wouldn't dismiss his signing up on a dating site.
When in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be "curious" outside of your commitment. Least of all when the site is for the purpose of sexual hookups.
He has lied to you both times and you keep excusing him. I think it is time to re-evaluate his feelings for you,and if he wants to continue in this relationship you have.
You can't allow any man to lie to you and excuse any potential venturing for sex outside of your relationship. He can't be trusted; because he will only be honest once he's caught. Then what choice does he have?
Heterosexual men who have sex outside your relationship are just as much of a risk for STD's and HIV as a bisexual man. They are having sex outside of the committed relationship, and exposing an innocent partner to infection.
I take offense when one is placed above the other, as far as risk is concerned. HIV infection and STD's are indiscriminate to sexual orientation. Unsafe sex is unsafe sex. Only fools think otherwise.
I don't want to shake your confidence in his love, just alert you to his dishonesty on different levels. Is he willing to give up sex with anyone else for you? Male or female? It could be either. He wavered on his promise to you the first time, and now he is signed up onto an alternative website.
Confrontations must end, and you must make a decision.
You cannot look forward to marriage with any man who hides his desires, and then attempts to cheat on the sly. There is no foundation on which to build your trust.
You would be better off maintaining a committed relationship, to exclude possibility of marriage.
He has not proven that he will keep a promise. His attraction to men is not a curiosity. It is a part of who he is.
Both of you have to come to terms with that. He shouldn't use deception as a tool and manipulate you by your devotion. He still wants to satisfy a curiosity, and he really shouldn't do that while in a relationship.
Even if you were a guy, and he wanted pursue his desire for women. It's not matter of gender, but fidelity. How would he wish to spend the rest of his life?
If he can't be true to himself, he can't be true to you. If he was totally heterosexual; he shouldn't be pursuing sites dedicated to sexual hookups. Period! If you sign up for them, you intend to use them.
Marriage is tough enough, without wondering if your partner is equally committed to being faithful to your marriage as you are.
Anyone could make a mistake; but if it is with another man; I don't think you would be psychologically prepared to ever handle that.
People fully committed to each other will overcome any obstacle. However; he has recently registered with a dating website; which means he no longer wishes to maintain his fidelity to his current relationship.
I think you should give continuation of this relationship serious consideration.
Please protect your heart.
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A
male
reader, Trooth +, writes (7 August 2013):
Yes, he is either bisexual or gay trying to live straight. If you continue the relationship, just know this is a very, very difficult thing to keep subdued long term. He may be a "good boy" for months or years, then get drawn back into it. He may let you get really really attached and then decide he made a mistake and go full bore with his other desires. I would certainly say do not get married until you are 100% satisfied you can handle the potential outcomes based on what you've discovered already. Not to mention his hiding it from you, trust violation feeds into other aspects of the relationship and can be a nightmare. Just bad all around. If you are open to the bisexual lifestyle, you may invite him to try with you but that carries lots of issues as well (safe sex, emotional attachments, etc etc). You are correct in reservations about proceeding, try to lend more to logical thinking rather than emotional at this point, in the long run it will serve you better, I think. Good luck with whichever path you decide.
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