A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I’m sort of a big girl who has always had a very low self-esteem because of my size. As a matter of fact, up until a week ago I was still a virgin at 26 thanks to my insecurities. I’ve been best friends with a guy since high school that I’ve always had a little crush on but never had the courage to come out and admit it. He’s very sweet and funny and extremely handsome. He’s been married now for the last 3 years to a woman who is absolutely gorgeous. His wife and I have always gotten along great. Though, I suspect a lot of that may be due to the fact that she’s never considered me much of a threat to her marriage. About a week ago my guy friend and I were out bowling with a bunch of our friends while his wife stayed home because she wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t drink too much because I was the designated driver, but my friend ended up getting wasted. Despite the fact that we had gone out drinking together hundreds of times in the past, for some reason something just came over him while I was taking him home and he started getting really flirty. He asked me to pull the car over into this secluded park because he had something personal that he wanted to talk to me about. After doing so I was shocked when he actually started to come onto me and tell me how beautiful I was. I was very nervous but flattered at the same time. Then he leaned in and started kissing me. I’m embarrassed to admit that I sort of swooned and actually kissed him back. Then, to make a long story short, I ended up losing my virginity right there in the back of my SUV.Afterward, I think we both felt ashamed for what we did. But it still doesn’t change the way I feel about him. He hasn’t answered any of my calls since then. What should I do? Should I go to his wife and tell her the honest truth or should I just try my best to patch things up with him so we can at least remain friends while keeping it a secret?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2014):
 Dear OP,
I’m sorry. You must be hurting so badly on so many levels. My post is not going to soothe that hurt. Rather it’s going to make it worse. But I think you need the reality of the situation thrown in your face.
You said “I think we both felt ashamed for what we did.” I doubt he feels ashamed or remorse or anything other than “I did it I popped her cherry… WOO-HOO ! NOTCH MY BELT BABY!”
Do not tell his wife. It will not change your situation with HIM at all. IF he wanted you as a partner he would have made you his partner a long time ago.
Do not try to patch things up with him. THERE is no going back. What is done cannot be undone. You can never sweep this under the rug or the couch. IT is the GIANT ELEPHANT that now sits in any room or car you are in with this man.
HE BTW is not a nice guy. HE lied to and cheated on his WIFE… what a great partner she has.
This is not about your SIZE btw. As a size 26 BBW I was fighting men off with a stick. This is more about your sense of self and your lack of self-esteem.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): It was wrong. And your friendship is better off over. You will be better off putting this behind you and moving on. I know it's hard to have low self esteem and my own self esteem has made me choose to do stupid things. It's never too late for a wake up call though. Know that you are beautiful :) and regardless of your size you need to learn to love yourself and develop your self esteem and you can move on and meet someone who will love you,just as you are.
Don't tell his wife. Don't talk to him. Just leave it alone and keep walking.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2014):
 Should you call and tell the wife? You think telling her will FIX the friendship? Are you THAT naive? Will telling her make it all better? No. Not for you and certainly NOT for the wife.
You can not go back to what it was. When YOU CHOSE to kiss him back, and have SEX with him, you crossed a boundary that changed how HE sees you and how YOU see him. You might have had a crush on him for years and you somehow had the silly notion that he REALLY CARED about you. That all the BULLSHIT he told you while drunk was the truth. That it somehow made having sex OK.
He is NOT a good guy. He took full ON advantage of you and you... LET him.
Being overweight or whatnot doesn't make it OK for you to have sex with someone's husband. NOR does it make it OK for him to CHEAT with YOU on his wife.
I have to fall in with the chorus of the other aunties, I HOPE to goodness you used protection. A baby from this mess would be the dumbest thing ever.
He isn't talking to you because he realize what a huge MESS he made. He stands to LOSE his wife, his family.
YOU are wasting all these LOVING emotions on a guy who DOESN'T feel the same way about you. He slept with you because you WERE there and AVAILABLE. I'm betting he KNOWS you have carried a torch for him for years.
Had the roles been reversed and YOU had been the drunk one, drunk off your ass, everyone would have been up in arms at how WRONG it is to take advantage of a drunk girl. YOU knew what you were doing was wrong. And I agree with Auntie BimBim - if it come out he will paint you with a VERY negative brush. You want to be known as some home-wrecker?
I think you need to leave HIM & his wife alone.
You are certainly no friend of his wife. And he is certainly no friend of yours.
Time to let this man go, he isn't for you. He is married and should have been off limits. I think you are fooling yourself if you think he is a good guy or even a friend.
Take some time and sort yourself out, try and figure out exactly WHY you let this happen. And then LEARN from this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (23 February 2014):
 By the way, I really really do hope you used a condom, or that you took the morning after pill. Because the last thing you want is to get pregnant by this man.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (23 February 2014):
Do not call his wife. You are his friend, it is not in your place to rat to his wife. That is between him and her. Also remember... Your friend is not a friend any longer, because youve had sex. Things may never go back to the way they were. And you have also discovered he is a cheater.. And I suspect you werent his first bite on the side.
Let things cool down and lay low for a while. See what happens. Dont blame your insecurities for your actions, you are a grown woman.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): "His wife and I have always gotten along great. Though, I suspect a lot of that may be due to the fact that shes never considered me much of a threat to her marriage."
Errm, maybe you got along great because she's a nice person who trusted you? If you have any respect for her and for yourself, you will stay away from them both. What good will come from you telling her? Are you hoping to break them up and finally tell him how you feel?
Don't get me wrong. It is his marriage and it is absolutely his fault that he cheated on his wife. But as their trusted friend, you had a duty to turn down his advances.
In any case, here we are. I'd advise you to start exercising and eating well. The 'healthiness' will bring confidence. Stay away from this man. Your friendship is over. Seeing more of him or other committed men will only reduce your self esteem. Your first time is now tainted with guilt, anxiety, and false hope that things will go back to normal. For your own well being, don't let it happen again.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 February 2014):
 Sweetheart, I'm sorry but the friendship is over, you can't go back to the way it was, the moment he started putting the hard word on you, and you didn't slap him down that friendship was over.
Your friend used the fact you have always had a bit of a crush and some self esteem issues against you and he has used you for sex. In other words, it turns out he was not as much your friend as you thought he was. He is in fact, Mr Not Nice Man!
It is going to be difficult for you to move in the same circles as him from now on, he will be sitting somewhere feeling very concerned about his wife, and what could happen if she finds out. The so called friendship is not his priority.
He is now going to be so paranoid about his wife finding out that he will be planning how to make sure if the news about what has happened gets out that YOU get all the blame. It will just take a whiff of scandal for him to come out all guns blazing, and he will use whatever he can to ensure he ends up all squeaky clean, and that means there will have to be a bad guy in all this, and he has designated YOU for that role.
I see some rough times ahead for you, but pre warned is pre armed. You might not be able to stop what is going to happen but you can prepare to stand still in the face of his coming accusations, stay strong in front of people you both mix with, keep your dignity, and don't play his filthy game.
I would also like to see you viewing what has happened as a sort of wake up call, time to change your life, stop living in the shadows and start shining in your own right. Find some new hobbies, take some short courses, get a taste of other things in life, there are so many things you can do in a term or a semester, try them, mix and get to know different people, pottery, short story writing, cooking classes, exercise classes, a walking group, reading to kids at your local school, anything to get you out of the routine you are now in. As for your bigness and insecurities, I have to do a lot of up front talking to people stuff in my job, so I fake it, I talk, I mix I mingle, I initiate conversations ..... its tough to start with, and each different group of people still, after 7 years, give me the jitters, but put on a silly hat and plaster on a big smile and you will get through it, one person, one hello how are you, one day at a time.
Sending you lots and lots of support, come back and talk to us if you need to. 3
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Cheating is wrong, and you know this.
In my opinion, you need to erase him from your life and never talk to him or his wife again.
You need to be strong and stop contact with him, that is the only way you'll be able to move on with your own life (And yes, if you keep talking to him, it will probably keep happening and you will be the "other woman"…)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Should I go to his wife and tell her the honest truth or should I just try my best to patch things up with him so we can at least remain friends while keeping it a secret?
I don't think you should mention that to his wife, and I think he's still ashamed thus avoiding contact, and tbh I don't think your friendship will ever go back to what it was before. Give him some space, don't text or call, hopefully after a while you'll be able to talk about it without too much awkwardness. I hope you remembered to use a condom!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Your weight was no reason to have low self esteem. You allowed that to draw you into sleeping with a married man. Now you have a real reason to have little confidence.
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