A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Aunts and Uncles, I have a “Bible thumping” father. While I love him and recognize his strengths (type A, making money, engineering things, taking challenges head on, networking), I have been chased down and pestered to believe in God on his terms, and this earns my ire. Recently things have gotten worse. But I will get to that.He is not emotionally mature. He makes racist or homophobic remarks every now and again, thinking they’re funny. He likes to get a reaction, negative or positive. He tells lie after lie to manipulate a situation. He doesn’t say what he means and gets mad when we don’t interpret his desires correctly. He often tells us “mom said she wishes you would…”, but really, it’s him just using mom to hide behind. If we don’t agree with him on any issue, he bullies us. He brings up religiously and racially charged issues ALL THE TIME to get a conversation (or fight) going with me. I’ve tried to brush him off. I am losing my patience. He verbally attacks and hates those who challenge his viewpoint. This had been the pattern of behavior for years. We children were rewarded when we nodded along with dad. Now that I’m older and recently moved out, however, I no longer try to change the subject. I have told him very nicely that I’m not religious. And then I move on. I knew somehow he would try to get back at me for having my own viewpoint. He has always been pressing his beliefs, but now things are worse. As an artist trying to make money in this economy, (I know, stop grimacing!) I have fielded ideas with a few people on crafts I could make for sale online. Dad suggested I make Pro-Life Jesus egg ornaments. He is staunch Pro-Life, and I made him one a year ago to make him happy, even though at the time I was Agnostic Pro-Choice. I turned down his suggestion that I make something like that for mass sale. He pressed the issue. He said he was going to market the idea like gold to the church. My stomach turned. I finally told him, very carefully, that I was Pro-Choice, and that it felt wrong to make these things. I would never have been able to admit this while at home. A few days have passed, and I have received an email apparently from “MOM”. My mom would never have written this trash. She just lets my dad use her name to sign off on things because she doesn’t want to get bullied. He thinks we’ll listen to MOM. This email details the shortcomings of his children and can’t fathom why we wouldn’t believe in Jesus. He goes on to say, “Your Dad and I will always Love you no matter what and we pray for you every day that you will somehow come to terms with who you are and what you want to believe. The Lord loves you and stands ready for you whenever you are ready to accept HIM.” I have already come to terms with what I believe. He just won’t accept it. My mother is the parent who keeps us together. A quiet faith, an open mind, and a lot of love frames who she is. She is also being bullied into getting on the Bible-thumping bandwagon. I need a good response to such a caustic email. I don’t even feel welcome at home anymore if I’m just going to be attacked. He will slam doors. Make jabs at me. Try to pick fights. Threaten to not help me out financially if I need it in the future. I am so angry now. I have not pressed my beliefs on him, and yet here we are. I’m unemployed right now with minor medical issues, and don’t feel that burning bridges with my financially stable parents would be a good idea. My brothers are tempted never to talk to him again. I still love them and may still need help. I just want us to be a happy family again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): I agree with all the aunts, they make good justified points .. I think your frustration at your dad and his attitude stems from the fact you are still not entirely independent from your parents.. They help financially and therefore in dad view you still very much his child, who needs to be reminded of the values of god etc.. Now here the thing we are diverse that what makes us all so damn interesting .. If we all felt the same, acted the same, how boring would that be.. In simple .. You might not agree with how your dad states his views but honestly . You need to respect he has them .. You also need to learn to diffuse and walk away.. Your his daughter .. You can learn to box clever .. When dad starts ranting, smile sweet. Say dad have you changed your haircut, it suits you..or I'll make tea or coffee whatever .. Give yourself space from him .. While you busy along clinking the china let him rant away. If he makes remarks you don't like ' say' with a slight preplexed look but dad we are all gods children .. And then smile with warmth .Just because you use the comment is nothing on what you believe or don't . Every time you leave, end by giving both mum and dad a kiss on the cheek and I love you hug.. My dad was very political minded and it could drive people insane.. And though I didn't agree with him all the time .. I learned to move the topic on..To love my dad warts and all.. As no one is perfect .. Don't make this into something bigger than it needs to be.. If our having issues have a quiet word with mum as well.. Start by saying I love dad as Ou did here .. It doesn't need to be world war three.. And until your totally independent sweetie, he will also treat you like a child who he feels needs to be saves from the bad world.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): Your father is am abusive jerk, and people like that don't stop being that way no matter what you do. The only remote possibility he might have any self awareness of what a jerk he is being is if everyone cuts him off and he ends up completely alone and isolated. But then again he might just blame everyone for deserting him saying everyone else is a jerk. Therefore I wouldn't waste another minute trying to get him to change his attitudes or behavior. I say just cut him out of your life, starting now. You need to put a lot of space between you. If he tries to contact you (to pick a fight probably) simply ignore him and dont return his calls or just email him to say you dont want to talk to him. Let him rant and rail all he wants, just continue to ignore him. He will find the silence to be deafening and that puts you in control for once whereas if you respond he is in control.
Alternatively if you want to go on the offense start spanning his email with propaganda related to the issues you agree with which are opposite of his. He is pro -life and Bible thumping? Then spam his email with articles supporting pro -choice, articles in favor of atheism or in favor of some other religion, or articles criticizing his religion. Spam him regularly. Either he gets a taste of his own medicine or he becomes so disgusted with you that he is the one who will voluntarily cut you off and leave you alone forever. Both are to your benefit.
Find other sources of financial assistance. Take out a loan or change your career plans to be more fiscally practical. You shouldn't let money trap you into an abusive relationship even if its family.
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (30 July 2013):
 I'm sorry you're in this situation. Ironically your father is acting in an uncharitable and un-Christian manner. Any time you interact with him you enable his abusive behavior. However, if you decide to approach your folks for money you cannot dictate conditions. If you don't want to deal with your father then you will have to come up with avenues to get financial help that don't travel through him.
In the end you have free will to make decisions. But with a decision comes consequences, some of which may suck. And in your situation you have to choose the action where the consequences suck less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2013): your father is the one destroying the family relationships by being a manipulative, passive-aggressive, close-minded, disrespectful jerk. I suggest that you no longer be polite and diplomatic as that has not worked. Write him or "mom" back and email, and be very direct and totally frank and honest. List out all the incidents you did in this post. And tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him that you feel hurt, disrespected, angry, and have lost your patience with him. Do not defend your opinions on the different controversial issues (like pro-choice), because that is not the issue. The point is not that he has different beliefs, it's that he needs to shut up and respect your beliefs the way you were willing to respect his. You also need to point out his manipulative incidents. CC it to EVERYONE in the family - your mother, your brothers, anyone else? Don't worry if this sounds as if you are creating a rift in the family. If a rift in the family ensues, it is because of the way your father has disrespected and alienated you and your siblings, NOT because you had the guts to call it out as you see it. Then, after you send that email, stop talking to him. If you need anything, talk to your mom instead. your mom is an individual autonomous person, or she should be, she and your dad do not have to be a 'package deal' for everything. It should be possible for you to have a relationship with your mom unless she decides to cut you off. Hey, it's entirely up to him if he wants to have a relationship with you or not. And if he chooses not to, well then that's that. It's better to not have a relationship with your family, than to have a extremely toxic relationship and let them tear you down. financially, I would suggest you not consider your parents as a potential source of financial help. try to make it on your own or get help from friends or other family members.
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A
female
reader, virginitee +, writes (29 July 2013):
Maybe see if your mom can talk to him, my parents don't know my sexuality and I'm not sure how long before I share it with them, but my mom doesn't really seem to care, while my stepdad sometimes makes very racial and homophobic remarks.
I know you don't want to sit there and listen to the verbal abuse, but that may be all you can do. Just look on the bright side, you're not stuck in their house.
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A
female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 They say you can't choose your family but I think you can certainly CHOOSE to 'get away'/estranged from them. Not many men would be pleased to have a partner who maintains a close relationship with a family who forces their views into your personal matters at every opportunity and tries to get at the helm of YOUR life and private affairs (as it seems to be the case with your dad).In this case, your brothers can't be blamed for their decision to 'opt out' of this family, or away from your dad's influence. I gather you can still have a more or less close bond with your mother, to the extend your dad's interference allows it. My guess is that he can try to block that passage, too.Best word of advice, don't bring a male date at home if the treatment you are likely to receive is lectures and slammed doors. He will feel very uncomfortable and might wonder how long before you show your true colors.Your dad is way past the age where it would be easier to 'train' him or reason with him. You can still have a happy family picture - one of your own - where members care for and protect each other, respect their boundaries, and so on. Easier than fixing the dad. Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Very tough situation doll. Am sorry to hear. What I would do for now is focus on maintaining your relationship with your mother. I would push your father away respectfully. Its imperative you don't bring emotion to ur statements even if he does when you tell him his mistakes n what it has costed him relationship wise with you and your family. If your father truly values you and your brothers he will re evaluate his ways once he sees the bad effects his personality has had on you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (29 July 2013):
 I totally knew that by the end of reading this, it would all boil down to money, because if you were truly self-sufficient, your dad's views wouldn't get to you.
You can't have it both ways. If you're wanting to take from his hand, then you need to show respect to his religious beliefs. What can he possibly say to you that changes anything?
Just write him back and tell him that you may not say the right words and say the right "formula" or the right "Christianese", but that you endeavor to live your life by showing love to others. Tell him that if he has raised you right, then he need not worry about your path on this earth.
You have nothing to prove to him, and you have to be careful of the feeling of striking back at him. It's common for kids to show up their parents in an attempt to break free of their influence. However, in your case, time, loving patience for him, and quiet self-assurance is all you need. You need not tell him off. In fact, thank him for his prayers to you and thank him for the love that fueled his letters.
That's it.
I grew up in a very overbearing religious strictness and had to go to church every time the doors opened. My escape was gradual, but done well with no friction or regrets. I countered and absorbed every verbal blow with love and patience and soft answers. Remember that if you are truly secure in your beliefs, you don't feel the need to defend them.
The whole thing with pro-choice/pro-life and gay rights and homophobia and racism you must understand -- there are people on both sides of every political view that profit off of enflaming tensions. You must believe more in your family than you should even in these issues, because you can be manipulated by pro-choice activists just as easily as your father can with pro-life activists. Being political is just like being religious, with all of the family destroying sentiments thrown in, so be very careful before striking at family roots just for an ideal.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 July 2013):
 Well if you are going to hit him up for money then I guess you will have to just suck up all that thumping. Maybe you need to take on a couple of jobs so you don't need to worry about asking for money and then you could distance yourself a bit. No need to burn bridges just don't travel over them so frequently. But he can set the terms if he's shelling out cash to you.
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