A
female
age
36-40,
*ola16182
writes:My boyfriend said we needed to spend "less time together" because we were hanging out 24/7 and arguing alot more than usual. We've been together for about 2 1/2 years.I didn't like that but agreed. I have trust issues and he knows that. Well see the thing is that when we used to hang out all the time I would suggest going to the bars on occasion for a few drinks and dancing, and he just never "felt like it" (he was too tired, didn't feel like it, too expensive, at his age of 25 he felt it wasn't all that fun anymore) so we have been spending time apart for 1 1/2 weeks...and he has already hit the bars 3 times!!! He goes out partying with his girl friends from school as there isn't many guys at this school. He never tells me beforehand that he's going out, or even thinks to invite me. He tells me the day after, and says yes I went and danced with my friends, bought them drinks, etc etc. And he even told me that he turned down an invite from a girl in his class to come home with her.Umm if this was your boyfriend would you be ok with this? It really bothers me because he never wanted to go with me, but is fine going with all these other girls. So I said ok let's go out this Friday, and he said "Ok we'll see, I'll see how I feel".Like what is he doing? Does he just want to be free but keep me as a backup or something? I don't know what to think... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (23 March 2009):
 This is a difficult one. You have every right not to be happy with the way he is behaving however he is right about spending less time together because that is good for a relationship.
When you mentioned he is buying these girls drinks - that is a sign that he is definately flirting with them if not doing a bit more. It is not ok to be going out to bars wiht a group of girls, especially when he would never go out to bars with you. I think you might be right in your concerns that he is keeping you as a back-up. I guess he is probably going out with these girls to pick which one he wants to date, and then I guess he will turn around to you and say "I just dont want to be in a relationship anymore".
You are the fall back for him at the moment - if he doesnt meet someone he wants to date right away then he has you for the company and affection until something better comes along. He is being disrespectful to you and disregarding the 2 and half years you spent together.
But he is right about spending less time together - if a couple is together 24/7 then soon they will run out of things to talk about, get sick of each other and argue more. You need seperate interests to keep things fresh - you will bring back that feeling of missing each other and getting excited about seeing each other. Having seperate interests means you will have more to talk about when you do see each other because you will have lots to tell your partner that he doesnt know and vice versa, whereas if you see each other all the time there will be nothing new to talk about.
So while seperate interests are good, going out to bars seperately is not good. Going to the cinema with friends, doing hobbies you stopped years ago, sports etc are all good things to do without each other. Bars are best to stay away from unless you are with your partner due to the normal reasons why people go to bars i.e to meet someone new!
I think you need to talk to him - explain that you think doing things seperately is a good idea but you are not happy about him going to bars without you. Explain that you trust him but you dont understand why he wont go out with you to bars but he will go out with his other friends to bars. Tell him that makes you feel like he is trying to hide things from you, and that he is being disrespectful towards you and your relationship.
I guess what you need to find out is whether he still wants to be in a relationship or not - you may need to be prepared for him to want to end the relationship. But the most important thing is that you cannot carry on like this, it is not fair to you. Dont put up with this behaviour - he is acting like a teenage boy who enjoys being chased by girls!
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): The truth? You're BF is working on getting his next GF, and wants to keep you on simmer/the burner until he meets the next one, so he can at least get his rocks off while he's looking. Time to go out clubbing with your boy- friends from high school to look for your next.
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