A
male
 ,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my bf for three years and we've lived together half of that time. Although I love him and he is a wonderful man our time living together has been torment for me as he's avoided sex like it is something bad. I've done more than my fair share to improve things but as yet he's done nothing. I've decided it is all or nothing and that if he has no intimate, physical or sexual interest in me then I think it's over. I hope with everything that this will jolt him into addressing the problem but I am fearful it will result in the end of us.I feel really really bad as it will put him in a difficult situation and a tight spot financially. I also think he will be heartbroken, devestated and won't have seen this coming. He was hesitant about living together in the first place as he didn't want to have to set himself up again if it failed (so he kept his house but since sold it and now real estate prices have soared). I know these aren't reasons to stay together but what can I possibly do to make things any easier for him?
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male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (16 October 2007):
Sorry I missed part of the info you gave. Reflecting again I think he is angry over something and apparently he thinks you should know what it is. Or again, maybe he is trying to protect you from something.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys for your words of advice.
Tommy7 - he is gay (we both are!). He doesn't take any medication, and he has no trouble getting an erection. If I press him for sex he turns over, pulls away or tells me he has something to do. I agree there must be some big problem but he won't tell me what it is.
Male Anon - I have requested he see a doctor but he hasn't. I have tried to work this out. When I raise this issue he goes quiet and doesn't talk to me (but is open and a good communicater in other regards).
Female Anon - I do really care for him or I wouldn't be around any more. I have approached this issue kindly but he doesn't seem overly interested in talking about. He just says he doesn't know what to do. I explained possible causes and solutions to the problem, suggested he see a doctor etc so I don't understand why he doesn't know!
It is getting to the point where I think I'll have to leave the man I love or stay with him and be forever frustrated :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): It sounds like you really care for him and that you both took some life risks to invest in making your life work together.
I think it's only fair for him to understand how this lack of intimacy is affecting you and making you feel trapped in your commitment to him. At least if he was honestly addressing
the problem, you wouldn't feel so abandoned with your
pain about this.
Direct communication with "I" and "feelings" is a good way to
start, expressing how this is impacting you and your ability
to feel stable in your relationship with him, trusting that he really cares about you. He might need some time to think about this, and so possibly offer to give him some space to
think about it and how to understand what you are missing
and needing and wanting, and how it is frustrating for you.
Most importantly, try not to take it personally. Do things to build up your self esteem, get therapy yourself, so
that you understand how you feel hurt about not feeling
wanted that way.
It's tricky. My exhusband did that. I went through alot
to try to seduce him. It's possible in his case it was
a control thing. You won't know what it is unless you
try to communicate.
Turns out my exhusband found living together claustrophobic or something. He was fine in that department until we got
married.
I thought maybe he became gay, and that offended him, suggesting that. It's a delicate issue.
Write a letter to him edited after a number of drafts or
count to 1100 before you speak abruptly and hurtfully. My marriage probably wouldn't have worked out anyway, but I wish that I had handled that issue about intimacy in a more diplomatic, sensitive manner. Hindsight is often 20/20, but
pain makes one lash out.
I wish I hadn't and wish you self-control to handle the
issue with love and non-violence. Read about non-violent
communication. Wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2007): It could be a physical problem. Has he seen a "doc" or whatever they are called in Autralia? Or it could be psychological. If he feels down on himself, or depressed, it would certainly manifest itself in lack of sexual "interest". Do you know of any other personal problems that he might be having? It all goes together. Ask him without seeming to be overly invasive. I know it can be touchy. But if you really care about him, you will try to help him through this.
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A
male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (15 October 2007):
Good sex is one of many reasons to stay together. Without it most people would feel incomplete. Does he take an medications that could be causing him to have ED? Could he be gay? What does he say when press him for sex? I think he is hiding a big problem.
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