A
female
age
41-50,
*rrow
writes:I started a new relationship with a guy who I thought was the one, it got intense very quick and I believed in him so much. He was like no other guy I knew before and I had experienced a pretty horrible relationship before that. He works away and a month into our relationship he got drunk and slept with a girl that he use to live with near where he works away. He never loved her, she wasnt the nicest person and even when she got a boyfriend he knew it wouldn't last because of the kind of person she is. They had slept together before. I was talking to him that night. He was chatting with her at the pub and then went back to her house. I didn't like it and he left. I had no reason to worry and that I should trust him and I actually never thought he would really do it. I specified what I thought about cheating. That I would never stay. Anyway he ended up going back there, to sleep and to get a lift back to his work the next morning. He slept with her, rang me and told me about 6 hours later. Im devastated, Im angry! It's been a month and a half and Im still with him. But Im so angry, he's sorry for what he did because there was nothing wrong with the relationship, we were really happy and I know he really does love me. But I don't understand it and I'm angry because I never will. He spoke about me and how much he loved me but she still didnt mind f--king him. And all his words of trust and understanding what it was like with the hurt that comes from cheating, he still managed to do it. He sent her a message saying there is to be no contact and that he had told me the truth. She tried calling him to see if he was ok. I told her to f--k off and was she trying to ruin something because she didnt have it and that she didn't matter and she didn't care and does it make her feel good. I don't even know what she looks likes but Im glad I don't. He said it was gross sex anyway and he feels sick when he thinks about it. She wrote back saying she doesnt feel good about it at all and she's not taking full responsibility because he knew she was vulnerable. And that she's glad he told me not so we would break up but so there would be no secrets. WTF? I know they are both at fault. She was happy to say to him "It never happened" (because after the incident he was yelling out "no" for about half an hour and she got a little freaked, he regreted it as soon as it happened) and he was like no I have to tell her I can't keep secrets from her. He wants to look at the future, he cant handle talking about it because of how it makes HIM feel. He was selfish and I hate that about him. The anger is destroying me. It's destroying what we had, I wish most that it was how it was before, when I was happy and could love him freely, now I fight it. How do you deal with something like that? Im sick of selfish people that don't care about the after affects. Alcohol is NOT an excuse. He knew what he was doing and he didn't care. He didn't think it would matter. He didn't think he would tell me. How could he think like that of me??? As if I didn't matter! He doesn't understand my hurt. He can't even handle it when I get angry and talk about it. Thats because of his guilt and because he feels guilty over it!!! Your not the only one, sometimes I get so angry and want to say I need time to myself but Im still holding on to what I know we have/had. I didn't do anything and yet these emotions are killing me. Am I just waiting for the next time?? I always believed once a cheater always a cheater and he's proved well at it. I have had a hard time believing in forgiveness but I thought I could forgive him because I loved him and through love I could forgive, that will either come in time or I will never accept what he did and the hurt will over ride any positives that there were. Give it time. He's not a horrible person. He treats me well and wants the best for me. Why do WE always have to hurt?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Dear Poster
Vow, yeah, there is a lot of emotion involved and I sense the anger and the hurt; however, you need to do some stock taking; either you decide to give this guy another chance or you MOVE On; only you can make that decision; you need to decide what you want and you have to discuss the future of the relationship with him; should you want to give him another chance you will have to: Let go of your anger, forgive him and learn to TRUST him again; you will have to put the past behind you; no more thinking about it or refering to it; you will have to concentrate on the future and think about and talk about tomorrow.
Think back and blaming him or holding onto your hurt and anger will not resolve the problem.
Make up your mind and then talk to him.
Best wishes and keep SMILING.
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