A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I'm a girl and my best friend is a guy. I recently found out that he has a girlfriend, and ever since then I've been feeling really agitated and sick. I did have a crush on him at one point, but I never told him and it faded quite quickly, and it was before we were best friends. Now we are and I think I might love him, but I don't know whether it's just jealousy because I don't want to lose him as a friend.I don't want to jump to the conclusion that I love him, but I don't want to keep feeling like this. Ever since I found out I've been feeling sick and nervous, and every time I think of him I get all jittery and worried that I'm going to lose him. I have been in love before (with someone completely irrelevant to this situation) and I haven't felt like this since then. There are lots of similarities to how I felt before, but I didn't think I liked my best friend before I found out he had a girlfriend.I don't want to say anything because there isn't anything I can do, but I don't want to keep on feeling like this; I'm really scared of losing my best friend, but I don't want to stay around him too much because it would just make getting over him harder, if it turns out that I do actually love him. But I don't know whether I really do love him or whether it's just jealousy because I'm so attached to him as a friend.What makes it worse is that I can't talk to any of my friends about it, because it is my best friend who is the one in this situation, so I'm not sure who else to turn to. I have other very close friends too, but I do not think they would understand if I tried to explain to them what was going on.I have been so distressed lately and I don't know what to do with myself. I can't sleep because I keep thinking of him, and I feel sick if I try to eat. I can't explain to my friends what's wrong but I don't want to tell him I might love him, and annoy him and ruin our friendship. I don't want to lose his friendship but this feeling is so bad it physically hurts sometimes.I don't know what to do, does anybody have any thoughts? Thank you so much if you can help me xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again.
I just wanted to say thanks again for everyone who answered. I'm still not exactly sure about how I feel about him, so I'm not going to tell him anything about my possible feelings for him. I'm feeling less bad about losing him as a friend too, as it's been a while and we're still hanging out and still as close as we were before.
It's still all a bit confusing, but I'm not as worried or desperate as I was before. Thank you for all your advice :)
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (28 May 2009):
 Have I been there... have I ever been there. It sucks!!
I understand why you don't want to tell him you love him, and you don't have to. Besides, you're not sure if you love him. If he did have feelings for you, and you were to tell him you love him when you're NOT sure... imagine how he'd feel. Don't ever tell someone you care about them as more than a friend if you don't.
I agree with Britt, this fear of losing his friendship is something you need to get off your chest with him, or you'll go nuts. Tell him what a great friend he is, how much you care about him (as a friend). Tell him your fears and how sad you were to be if you lost his friendship. He'll understand, and if he is a TRUE friend, he'd NEVER turn his back on you.
You haven't done anything bad to him. If he's a good friend, rest assured he'll stand by you. That's what true friends do!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your help :) It's really good to know that other people have gone through this, and I have been thinking about talking to him about it.
I was hanging out with him today and felt completely fine, but then his girlfriend rang him and reminded me of the whole sitution and I started feeling pretty bad again. I thought this could be a good time to talk to him about it, but I couldn't think of a way to phrase it. I didn't want to make it seem like I love him, because it would change our friendship, and I wasn't sure exactly what to say to him. If anyone has any thoughts on how they might phrase it I would greatly appreciate it xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): I was in a situation like this twice. The 1st time it didnt go so well bc he changed and it was nothing like i imagined which was my 1st true love. If i had to do over we would still be friends nothing more. Once u take it there, your just friends is ruined if it doesnt work. Second time was a childhood close friend who i grew up with. I almost missed that blessing by basing my previous relationship downfalls. 6 1/2 yrs. later WE r happily Married! So my answer is it all depends on timing and the man.
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female
reader, SirenaBlusera +, writes (26 May 2009):
I've been in a very similar situation before, and it sucks. I can understand your confusion, and your fears.
It could be that you had these feelings for him before he got a girlfriend, but you are afraid that if you guys were to get in a relationship, that it would permanently alter your friendship.
I felt threatened by the girlfriend and I worried that his relationship was a threat to our friendship. I agree with the other poster, however. You should discuss your fears with your friend... that's what friends are for! To confide in. I'm sure that your friend doesn't want you to suffer.
If he's a true friend, then he would never abandon you just because he has a girlfriend.
Furthermore, you're probably aware of this, but relationships don't last long at your age. Friendships (that is, TRUE friendships), on the other hand, are forever.
I learned a lot of things the hard way, and this situation really sucks a lot, but I learned things from it. Perhaps I can help you. You may send me some private messages, and I can't promise that I have all the solutions but I can share what I've learned.
Sara
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): The only solution I can think of is to talk to him!
Tell him you are afraid of losing him as a friend. You don't have to express your possible love for him. If he is your "best friend," there is probably nothing you can't discuss with him.
Sometimes we want things more when we know we can't have them. Maybe this is what it took for you to realize your true feelings for him. I believe everything happens for a reason.
You need to get these feelings out or you will make yourself sick!
Good Luck!
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