A
male
age
30-35,
*ucas10
writes:Hi Guys,i am 24 years old and my girlfriend she is 22.My girlfriend of 3 years told me that my best friend lets call him J(who is also a very close friend to my girlfriend,the 3 of us have been friends since we were kids) has been hitting on her,but that she had a talk with him and that she told him to stop,and the guy apologized.I was very upset,i asked her to tell the J that she told me about it,but she refused and told me that if i wanted to talk to him about it i should just go and talk to him,but its not reasonable of me to ask her to go and tell J that she told me because she doesn't see what it is going to resolve.We argued about it over and over again and i ended up just letting it go.Now,i have decided to confront J about it,but my girlfriend says that i should let it go since the guy apologized and that it will just ruin my friendship with J and her friendship with j, that she should have kept it to herself but since we have the truth pact that she wanted to let me know but she didnt want me to end the relationship with the guy.That the mature thing to do was for her to keep it a secret but since she told me now the mature thing to do is to let it go.I dont understand why i shouldn't confront him about it,even if he apologized,i am being immature about this?Should i let it go?Why does she worry about our friendship(J and I) and their friendship?What are your thoughts guys?Thank you
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male
reader, lucas10 +, writes (10 May 2012):
lucas10 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone,thank you so much for your input.I was very happy when she told me,i thanked her and told her she was very exceptional because women normally don't do things like that.But then when i asked her to go back to J and tell him that i know and she refused,i felt betrayed,i told her that the same way J apologized to him,he should apologize to me too,it was very heated, but now i understand how bad my act was,i shouldn't have done any of that.I am going to take her on date and talk to her about this,and i am going to let it slide this time,unless something else happens,but for now i am going to trust her and her actions, and i am also going to make sure she knows next time she can come to me with anything with no fear of me causing any issue.Everyone thank you again,you made me see things more clearly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): You want a guys opinion OP you need to man up. You handled this all wrong and you're still handling this all wrong you're not some love sick teenager you're a mature adult, so act like it.
Firstly your girlfriend was honest with you, she did the right thing by you and told you. She deserves a hell of a lot of credit for dealing with the situation the way she did. She not only told him firmly that it was not on she also told you what had happened. You know how rare girls like that are OP? I have ten years on you and a hell of a lot more girls in my time than you and I can safely say that most will either not have the balls to tell the other guy to stop because they either like the attention, see it as harmless or don't want to hurt his feelings or they will stop him and just not tell you it happened.
You're exceptionally lucky to have a girl that did both and you've actually messed this up to the point where she thinks keeping things like this from you is a good idea? Dude fix that. You do not want a girlfriend who is afraid to tell you things because of your immature shitty reactions to things.
You really don't. It's understandable to be pissed, that's a line he should not have crossed but she handled it very well, she not only showed trust be showed a type of courage that you will find in the future is a rare quality in women. Most are very passive and do not like telling guys no, or they like the attention and see it as harmless or they don't even realize that's what's going on.
You asked her to tell J that you know? Why? What good would that do? Do it yourself and don't hide behind her and get her to do your dirty work. Seriously man up. She did everything right and what do you do? You tell her it's not enough and start a fight about how she should tell him you know. She's already gone above and beyond the call of duty of girlfriend here that was a mistake and it made her feel like you punished her for the doing the right thing.
As far as your friend goes, you do have to have a chat with him, I disagree with the ladies on this one. It is something you have to do. You need answers from him it's that simple it's very important that you don't confront him. It's something that needs to be discussed, you do need to have chat with him about it if you're going to be friends at all with him and if you're going to be able to move past this.
So be a man and do what you have to, to sort this out in a way that makes all three of you happy.
First and most importantly apologize to your girlfriend for your reaction, tell her you overreacted that you love her and it just caught you off guard. Praise her and thank her for what she did, tell her what she did was awesome and you're really lucky to have a girlfriend who is honest and strong. OP you really need to let her know that she can open up to you and tell you things, she needs to feel safe doing that. Apologize for telling her to go tell him and tell her you're going to calm down and then have a relaxed discussion with him to clear the air because you forgive him and you understand why he lost a bit of control because she's so amazing.
That's how you handle your friend. You calm the hell down. You forgive him this one mistake, this one time and do it before you talk to him. That is the first thing you say to him when you do talk to him. You ask him why, you ask him if he'll ever do it again and then you just tell him that just because you forgive does not mean you will forget and he will not get a second chance.
OP, you reacted badly but you can fix this. Bury your anger and your pride and do what needs to be done to sort this out well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2012):
 Your GF already confronted him, it's a done deal.
She just did what any GF worth a darn would do, she let you know what had been going on. NOT to make you feel like you needed polish your armor and charge the friend, but because she felt you should should.
If he stopped the behavior, there is no need to keep dragging it up.
You have a super GF. Trust in her choice to not take this any further.
Even if J hit on her, he's also been a friend most of her life and she'd like to continue being friends (as long as he respects her and do NOT hit on her) and she wants YOU and J to continue being friends as well, because she knows that he IS a good friend. Even with his blunder of hitting on her.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 May 2012):
 She told you about it
She handled it.
He apologized and backed down
what good would confronting him about something that's been dealt with do?
I agree that unless he does it again, saying nothing is wise.
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A
male
reader, BillyRayValentine +, writes (10 May 2012):
I would confront him. Let him know! This is completely absurd. Your good friends with him, he tries to hit on your girlfriend so he can hook up with her. He does not value your friendship at all. Dump him now! He is trash....
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 May 2012):
 I think your girlfriend shot him down enough for the both of you....for now.
However, if there's another incident, then you should confront him. It's okay not to trust him and to distance yourself from him a bit. He made a play for your girlfriend.
The biggest thing you should be is proud of your GF. She stayed honorable to you 100%. Be secure and confident in her loyalty to you.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 May 2012):
I don't think it's necessarily immature if you confront him, but your girlfriend probably doesn't want it to turn into some dramatic scene since she took care of it herself and he apologized.
I think you confronting him wouldn't really solve anything since it's basically resolved. But considering that he's a friend of BOTH you and her, it's not cool that he did that. But maybe let your girlfriend know that you'll let it slide this time and you're glad she told you, you'll respect her wishes and not confront him; however, if he does it again, you do want her to remeain honest and tell you and that you will confront him if it happens again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2012): I would just let it go. I use to always tell my husband if someone was flirting or hitting on me but he would always go confront them and cause an argument. I told him because I just wanted him to know but I don't want him saying anything unless it gets out of hand and I ask him to. Don't ruin her trust in you or she won't ever tell you the little things in fear you will cause problems. Good luck!
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