A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i feel like everytime i have a disagreement with my boyfriend we don't so much try to work through a disagreement as much as he tries to explain it away . He says his side of whatevers going on, and basically concludes that therefore, I shouldn't be mad. the fights are petty and are going to sound dumb but the pattern happens a lot. So here's the petty example from tonight, I asked if I could read over an email I planned to send to my boss because it was a sensitive topic. Mind you it's over the phone. I get out the first sentence and am told that my whole approach is wrong, the tone makes it sound too formal, when I should just be explaining this this and that, make it more conversational, explain yourself and that'll be better. So I waited til he finished, because I had already said "that was only the first sentence" before saying, well, there's MORE, and proceeded to read what was basically his suggestions. Anyway the whole thing kind of bugged me, I know I asked for his assistance so i opened myself up to criticism and that's fine but my bigger thing is that I got frustrated with him not letting me get a word in, and then when he tried to explain he said he was in a rush he was stressed he didn't mean to cut me off and therefore it shouldn't be a big deal and therefore I shouldn't be angry. he and I are both on a little bit of edge right now because we're in graduate school and in exam period and sleep deprived and sometimes when you're stuck in your own head you don't know how to get out of it (ie know if you're being reasonable or not anymore). still, being told that things[ie something I am unhappy with with him] aren't a big deal, or that i Shouldn't be mad, just frustrates me more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): Person12345 that's a strawman and you know it, just like the article. I wasn't criticzing the calling out of sexism as reverse sexism and you know it. The whole victim-blaming thing is a deflection I've heard so many times from you to cover up the failings of others. People can't do things to us unless we let them. No girlfriend of mine would ever try and emotionally abuse me because I'd be out the door. I prevent that by making it clear and I prevent it by following through.
If it's no ones job then Person12345 who's going to stop it? the sexist person? Not a hope, why would they change when there are so many people out there that you and Yashar think should be wrapped in cotton wool instead of taught to fight back. Sexism will always exist, always. There will always be sexist men and women. Now you want to teach people that it is better they don't stand up for themselves, that they don't prevent this kind of thing happening to them in a world where the reality is it will if you don't, then you just teach people to be victims.
How are we supposed to prevent people getting into trouble if we tell them it's okay to be a victim you will get a free pass and nothing will ever be your fault. It's not logical. It's a good technique to help a person after they've been a victim but you have to teach prevention, strength of will and character or it never stops. For that to happen you have to teach people it's not okay to become a victim if you can actually prevent it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2011): The fun thing that certain men do. Especially when they feel helpless, they hear it might be them that is part of the womans current frustration and anger and hurt so they will say statments like:Its not a big deal. Now you are being emotional. You shouldn't even be upset. INVALIDATING and minimalizing hurt and pain as a means to control and evade. Which is a form of emotional abuse. They do it to in fact, help themselves feel better and to shut down the conversation.Pretty much like what a narcissist would do. ;)MEN and their Habits/Behaviours:1) They rush to fix or solve something. Especially when a woman just wants to vent and get things off her chest.SO WE SHOULD SAY SOMETHING LIKE:THIS IS LISTENING TIME. Put on your listening ears and put the button on the lip. Should be over in about 20 mintues. Thanks.2) When a woman is in this mode, the man should adopt I AM A REPORTER. I'm going to ask questions or re-instate why she is upset? The guy said that to you? The woman gave you a dirty look? You aren't feeling good about it? Parrot some of the conversation.3) HOW TO VALIDATE: I will nod my head and say, yah, that would upset me too. If it were me, I'd feel that way too. Yes, I see what you mean, sucky. SUPPORT. Even the occasional, maybe a kick to the person would help. Some people just need a rock to fall on them. ;)MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN FROM VENUS By John D GrayTaken from Chapter 2: LIFE ON MARSTalking about a problem on Mars is an invitation for advice. Another Martian feels honoured by the opportunity. Automatically he puts on his Mr. FIX-It hat, listens for a while, and then offers some jewels of advice. This Martian custom is one of the reasons men instinctively offer solutions when women talk about problems. When a woman innocently shares upset feelings or explores out loud the problems of her day, a man mistakenly assumes she is looking for some expert advice. He puts on his Mr. Fix-It hat and begins giving advice; this is his way of showing love and of trying to help. He wants to help her feel better by solving her problems. He wants to be useful to her. He feels he can be valued and thus worthy of her love when his abilities are used to solve her problems. Once he has offered a solution, however, and she continues to be upset it becomes increasingly difficult for him to listen because his solution is being rejected and he feels increasingly useless. He has no idea that by just listening with empathy and interest he can be supportive. He does not know that on Venus talking about problems is not an invitation to offer a solution.http://xa.yimg.com/kq/groups/21230179/1805388939/name/ladies.pdfHope this was of help.I suggest you get the book. Will do wonders.
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reader, person12345 +, writes (16 December 2011):
 Reverse sexism (that by calling out sexism, it's actually worse than what's being called out) is not a real thing. It's just a way to ensure no sexism actually gets called out, ensure women who call it out feel embarrassed for not having prevented something from happening to them (so they won't pursue it), and take the blame off the people actually being sexist. It's just a more subtle way of victim blaming. It is no one's job to prevent someone from being bigoted towards them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2011): Yeah he's gaslighting OP as the article person12345 linked to you.
Look you have to take the high ground here and prevent conflict. The one thing the article she linked doesn't say is it also the responsibility of the woman to ensure she is not treated that way. I have read through that article lots of times and it's reverse sexism. It's patronizing towards women because it assumes they're idiots that are too emotional or weak to stand up for themselves. Anna is just as responsible for letting her husband put her down about her weight by not telling him to shut his fucking mouth. Abbie is just as responsible for letting her boss speak to her that way as he is for doing it. People only treat us the way we let them.
You said you're both stressed and on edge lately so if his behaviour is only due to that then you have to stop getting annoyed at petty shit and just give him space. Look gaslighting in your case sounds like he's under a lot of stress and when a potential argument is going to occur he's trying to stop it before it starts by gaslighting. I don't think he's trying to demean you, I think he's trying to ensure that you don't have a major falling out over something as menial as a letter to your boss.
I think you pushed too hard on the boss letter thing. It seems you more wanted to get your say in rather than actually resolve the situation. He's under pressure, wanted to give you advice quick so he could get on with what he was doing, he then gaslighted because he could sense an argument happening. Not nice but maybe it was for the best because neither of you need the added stress.
My advice is to let the small things go OP, you said they're petty so don't let this build up into something major over time. Sit him down and have a nice relaxed chat. Tell him it bothers you when he does that and tells you something is not a big deal, it bothers you and by saying that it actually makes it one. Ask him why he does it. Then make an effort to not push his buttons. You're both sleep deprived and stressed, so let the small things slide. Give him some space now and grab a bit of space for yourself until you hit xmas and then this petty arguing will stop. It sounds to me your own frustration is leading you to try and vent on him, he's then gaslighting to end the argument before it starts.
For example the boss letter. After he said his piece you must have known in that moment that he was pretty much not going to be helpful with it, so why then push it? You could have just said thanks for the input honey, talk to you later and then went off and asked someone else to go over it with you. If his head is elsewhere at the moment then is there really a point in creating tension over something he did actually try to help you with but did so in a hurry. It was a menial thing and one which you could have went to someone else.
Choose your battles better OP because that and I'm sure a hell of a lot of the other things you're fighting about are menial and as such he's going to keep gaslighting.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 December 2011):
The real question is how often does he do this?
If this was a one off, then perhaps you could let it go. If, however, he does it very often, then that's a very bad sign. No one should be telling you how you should feel about their actions and behaviour.
If this was a one off, put it down to sleep loss and watch in case it happens again. If he's doing it often, then he's manipulating you and you might need to seriously consider whether you want to be in a relationship with someone who tells you how you should feel.
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reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (15 December 2011):
 Yes, perhaps your schedules are stressful enough and that his attitude is temporary until the stress from school diminishes. If this sort of thing happens all the time, then there is a maturity issue in the relationship.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (15 December 2011):
http://thecurrentconscience.com/blog/2011/09/12/a-message-to-women-from-a-man-you-are-not-“crazy”/
Try reading through this.
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