A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've had an on and off relationship with my wife for about 8 years. When we first met, we were together for about 2 years. She had a very high sex drive, and that aspect of the relationship was good, but we didn't get along very well.We broke up for about 4 years. Duuring this time she was with quite a few men. As far as I know, she was very active with them sexually.When we first got back together about 2 years ago, the sex was OK, but nothing spectacular. She just didn't seem to have anywhere near the drive for it that she used to. After a few months she said she wanted to quit for religious reasons. She said that shortly before we'd gotten together she'd made a decision to stop having premarital sex, but she'd ended up doing it with me anyway and she felt guilty about it, and she couldn't enjoy it because of that.I didn't want to pressure her to do something that was against her beliefs, so we stopped having sex before we got married. She assured me that she had a very high sex drive, that she was very attracted to me sexually, etc., but she just couldn't do it because of her beliefs. I asked how I could be sure the sex would be OK after we got married, and she said I would just have to trust her, and that I needed to respect her beliefs. She also said that she could have sex for hours, do it morning noon and night, and that I wouldn't be able to keep up with her after we were married. She said she wasa going to wear me out. We had bought some sexy lingerie shortly before we got married, and we'd talked about things like me stopping home from work during the day and going at it in the kitchen, etc. She told me she was extremely horny just thinking about it.We got married about 6 months ago, and the sex has been infrequent and dull. She seems to have a very low sex drive, and I'm under the impression she'd be perfectly OK never having sex again. We had arranged for me to stop home from work a few weeks ago at lunch for the purpose of having some fun. I'd hinted very strongly that she should wear the lingerie and play out the secenarious we'd discussed before we got married. When I got home, she was not wearing the lingerie, and she complained for about a half hour straight about the cable company. Sex was obviously the very last thing on her mind. To this day, she's never worn any of the lingerie, and I've stopped bringing it up.She now tells me that when she changed her life and stopped having premarital sex (or tried to stop) shortly before we got together, she learned to stop thinking about sex so she wouldn't be tempted, and she just doesn't even think about it anymore, or have any desire for it.I've tried reading books, talking to counselors, etc. I do all sorts of things to romance her, show I care, listen to her, buy her things, etc. I pick up around the house, clean the bathrooms, etc. I've read books on sex, tried all sorts of different approaches, etc.I've asked her quite a few times if she wants to try anything different, if I'm doing something wrong, etc. She says she's simply not interested in sex anymore. She gets angry if I bring up sex, and says I'm pressuring her, that I want sex all the time, etc. She also refuses to see a marriage counselor (with me) about it.My best guess is that I'd prefer to have sex about 3 times per week, and she'd prefer to have sex once every two weeks.It seems to me I have three choices: 1) continue to keep trying, getting frustrated, etc.; 2) give up and accept the fact we are never going to have anything more than boring, brief sex once every two weeks or so; or 3) get divorced and find someone who's more compatible. I suppose cheating is an option of sorts, but it's not my style. I want to be with someone in a complete relationship.Obviously, I was duped. But, I still have to try to make the best decision I can based on where I'm at now, not on where I'd be if I would have known what I know now. For now, I'm basically just giving up on having any kind of a real sex life, and staying married. Any better ideas?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2011): OP here, thanks for the responses.
I've also wondered if my wife might have been subject to sexual abuse in her past. I asked her about that before, and she says she hadn't been. I didn't press her on it, but my impression was that she was being honest. But, she's from a country that has much different views on certain things, and I guess it's possible she was subject to something that we woud consider to be abuse, but is considered normal in her culture.
My wife was raised in a fairly religious family, and has been going to the same church for about 8 years now. She apparently started seeing a guy from the church about 3 years ago who was opposed to premarital sex and got on her case about it. She then made a public "confession" of some sort about her past "inappropriate" relationships, and vowed to change her ways.
She claims she doesn't feel guilty about having sex now that we're married, but I can't help but wonder if this is going on at some level that she's not fully aware of.
There are times when she wants to have sex, but it's very infrequent. My sense is that she wants to keep sex to the minimum amount required by her natural urges.
To anyone else out there in a similar situation who is thinking about getting married, I think the key warning sign was that my wife (fiance at the time) didn't act like she was getting aroused or that she had any urges when we would kiss and so on. I got the distinct impression that she wasn't fighting any urges to have sex. When I asked her about it at the time, she got angry and said she had learned not to think about sex, that I was trying to tempt her, etc.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2011): I hear you. I have been with my girlfriend for many years. The main reason she is not my wife is that I didn't want to end up like you. She had no problem having sex with me (or other men) and then suddenly said she's guilty because of her Catholic upbringing and the sex basically stopped. She promised it would get better after we got married. I totally didn't buy into that at all. It has now been more years than I care to admit and we still don't have much sex and we are still not married. She used to get upset that I would not marry her, with me reminding her that she had to show good faith, but lately she has given up.I am pretty unhappy with it all, but at least I never married her and she will not take half of my assets if we break up. I am sorry you were not as cautious.In my girlfriend's case, at least she finally admitted that she was sexually abused and that it plays into her sexual issues. Maybe something similar happened to your wife. At least you are getting laid every two weeks. For me it's about twice per year. I wish I could tell you what to do. No matter what you do know that you are getting what you can expect to get. Things are not suddenly going to get better in bed. On the other hand, you seem to love each other. No easy solution. I envy people who seem to be very much in love and compatible, but at the same time I feel better off than my single friends who are still looking for a real relationship. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): She went from quite a few men and a high sex drive, found religion, and now does not want sex. This is a common scenario.
I'm sorry but your odds of getting a decent sex life from her ever again are slim. She has already had her fun when she was single. That was her time to be naughty. Now it's time for her to be a "good girl" and not like sex anymore and make up for it. There is usually no upside to being with this kind of woman once the fun is over.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 November 2011):
 Take her to the doctor and check for early menopause. Then demand she come with you to a marriage counsellor.
Bottom line, you told her you wanted frequent good sex and she promised that she wanted the same. This is the marriage contract you have made and she's not doing her part. She dosen't feel like sex, well she shouldn't have got married then or she should have told you that good sex wasn't on the menu. Your not pestering her for sex, your contract said, "sex for hours, do it morning noon and night", she said trust her and you did, and she's not doing her part.
If she has sex issues she should talk about them and work with you on getting things fixed.
Look, the marriage is new, it's not worth staying until the day you die. If she was sick or has trauma, well then things would be different. Illness breaks contracts and the person is not well enough to comply.
Dr's first, then counselling. If she refuses to come with you and fix this situation then your next stop should be a solicitor. Your not happy with this sexless wife and you'll resent her if you stay and nothing changes.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
 I found you a link to start off: http://agoodhusband.net/2008/04/supporting-your-wife-after-rape-or-sexual-abuse/
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 November 2011):
To add to mishmash's very good post, I'd like to add another possibility to consider: that she suffered from some sexual abuse in her past, possibly as a child, or even a date rape. Often, women who have experienced that may run through a very promiscuous period but then when confronted with the expectations of a long-term sexual relationship, they freeze up and cannot find any pleasure in sex.
I would go ahead and go to counseling without her; perhaps your therapist can come up with some strategies to address her refusal to discuss it. My guess is that she wants to keep the past buried and not confront the trauma. It's easier in her mind to bury it and face your righteous anger than to confront it and have to feel all those negative feelings again.
You might do some research at rainn.org for background information on this theory. Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): My guess is that on some level she's internally equated sex as a "bad" or "sinful" thing. I say this because of the "religious" reasons she has for not engaging in it. The scenario you described actually pops up quite often on this site: A woman who used to enjoy sex or was promiscuous in the past insists on a period of celibacy before marriage and it then continues after the marriage has taken place.
I've read a lot of these questions and I'm starting to think that these celibacy periods are a way for these women to purge whatever inner-conflicts they have about their sexuality. Sometimes, it seems that the woman is ashamed of her past sex life and she feels the solution is abstinence. The idea of being sexual at all with someone she loves, respects, and takes seriously enough to marry only makes her feel more ashamed and intimidated of performing a behavior that she has internally linked to a sense of personal shame. Sometimes I think these woman confuse atonement with repression.
If she refuses to see a marriage counselor, I would suspect she's got a lot of conflicted emotions about sex, she's done things in her past she regrets, or done things with people she wish she hadn't, and she doesn't want you to see it. I'm a believer in communicating to solve problems, but if she refuses to open up about it, I don't see what you can do other than tell her you're contemplating divorce and ask her again to see a marriage counselor one last time before checking out.
The only other option I could think of besides the obvious option of seeking marital counseling is talking to her directly about how she feels about sex. Don't approach the subject trying to solve the sex problem or wanting to get sex, just be genuinely curious and non judgmental. I would thinking there is probably something that happened in her past, perhaps when she was with other men that she feels deeply ashamed about. I know talking about past lovers probably isn't something most men want to do with their wives and there are plenty of aunts here who would tell you not to open that can of worms for your own sanity... but I suspect the cause of her issues lies in her previous history. If you have it in you to forgive her or reassure her you still love her despite whatever she tells you (...with some limits to "whatever") I would strive to be emotionally supportive. If she can manage to feel better about her past sex life, feel as if she's forgiven in some way and still feel worthy of you then she'll be more likely be open to expressing herself sexually.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2011): Man that sucks!! What religion did she join? If she became a Christian, well she should know that in the Bible (1 Corinthians 7:5) it says in a marriage 'Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.' You could file for divorce for - this could be grounds.. although that is extreme. Sex is what separates a friendship from a romantic relationship, if there is no sex, then what you have is a friendship. When you marry you belong to each other, your wife's body is yours and your body is hers etc..
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