A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I met this girl months ago and we've been dating since them, i'm really trying to forget and avoid jealousy but it's not easy! The fact the i have sex with the same girl my cousin had bothers me too much! I think about breaking up but i love her so much! I'm jealous of her past, unfortunately. People may tell me to end the relationship but i like this girl a lot. I feel myself so imature! She told me in the beginning of our relationship she had sex with my cousin years ago in college. My cousin lied to me, after that i don't talk to him anymore. He lied to me because when i met her he told me he didn't have anything with her, she was just a friend in college years ago. They've know each other for a long time, but she says was only casual, a one night stand! Now talking about other previous relationships we had, she was married twice and i was married only once. I feel jealous in almost everything. I need help how to overcome my insecurities and jealousy. I don't trust her i think she'll cheat on me, she doesn't love...etc. Sometimes i think about breaking up just because she had sex with my cousin, this upsets me very much, even though i like her a lot. What you think i should do? Try? End the relationship? Sometimes i feel like i just can't date a girl who had sex with my cousin, it's tough and hard for me to acceptI don't know what to do anymore!
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cousin, her past, jealous, one night stand Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2016): You know what I don't hear in the OP's whole comment? I don't hear anything about his GF's sexual past other than his cousin. Nothing whatsoever.
Therefore I think the accusation that he cannot get over this woman having a past is uncalled for. What bothers the OP is that her past includes his own family member, and that family member kept it secret from him.
Nobody likes knowing their partner has screwed one of their own family members in the past. That is not a sign of a pathetic emotionally immature jealous male. That is a sign of a normal healthy human being.
Also, I see nothing noble about the OP's cousin keeping this secret. Men and family members are supposed to have some loyalty to each other. Helping a woman avoid consequences from her past actions is not more important than that. It's a violation of basic respect when you find out your friend or family member has a history with your partner and you weren't told.
The GF was not doing anything wrong when she hooked up with the cousin years ago. But she made a choice and all choices have consequences. Whenever you hook up with anyone you run the strong risk of spoiling your chances with with other family members of that person. That's life.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 June 2016):
 I think you should end it before you two get into deep. You can't seem to accept the fact that she HAS a past and that IN her past she was with your cousin.
SO what? Is it because he is family that it bothers you or would that be ANY guy she has been with?
And if you ask me why I say break up, I base it of your statement: " I don't trust her i think she'll cheat on me, she doesn't love...etc." SO you are already setting the relationship up for failure... and then blaming your cousin. You cousin didn't mention the sex because he is a GENTLEMAN when it comes to former lovers. No kiss and tell. Maybe he also wasn't sure she would tell you the whole story.
If you truly wants to concur this green eyed monster of yours, start by reading up on retroactive Jealousy - there is an uncle here on DC (called YOS) and he has written MANY good articles about the subject.
Not talking to your cousin over this... is ridiculous (sorry)
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 Lying is dumb yes but probably done to protect your feelings, not his as he did nothing wrong by sleeping with her years prior. Agree with Andie,Sad that you are not talking to your cousin over such a thing. Flip side of that is at least she is honest and upfront with you about things. But for how long? if you continue to behaving this way,soon that openness will be shut down in order not to get the third degree over things. You cant change what you know, you have to change you so my advice would be probably seek some professional help to sort though your irrational thinking, find some strategies when you feel jealousy raise it's ugly head. should you want this relationship to last,do it sooner rather than later. Jealousy will un necessarily suck the life out of it and eventually you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 June 2016):
 "Sometimes i feel like i just can't date a girl who had sex with my cousin, it's tough and hard for me to acceptI don't know what to do anymore!" - there's your answer. This won't fade away; it will always niggle at you.
Also, I don't think you should have stopped talking to your cousin; he probably lied because he knew you liked her and didn't want to cause trouble. If he's a good guy other than that, I'd suggest getting back in touch.
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