A
female
age
,
* Will Survive
writes:I have been with my husband for 31 years, married 26 and found out last week that he is having an affair with a girl 21 years younger. The relationship is based on fantasy. They text over 1,200 times in one month and I found a note in his truck with a list 13 of her fantasys with him, all sex. I kicked him out of the house, which he thought he has the right to stay. I have 2 kids in college and it is very difficult on them, they are adults and want nothing to do with him now. Where do I go from here and how do I cope with being alone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2007): Wow, 31 years! Your husband felt he had the right to stay because he is used to doing justwhat he wants. And he is not taking responsibility for his actions. He hasn’t owned up to what he has done and he may never will. You are so better off and I hope you realize that. I am sorry that he has hurt you..really I am.
You are asking how you cope being alone, now? It can be tough and that is normal and I undertsand. (been there-done that) But can I ask you something...Why not ride out the loneliness and come out of this a stronger person, as a result? Do NOT panic, now that he's gone. Start believing in yourself again and doing things to occupy your life, so you can tolerate the discomfort. How do you do that? By filling your mind and heart with family and friends...making a new purpose. Educate yourself, get a job you love (if you aren't working), improve and create your own life! Please don't be like so many people out there who are afraid to be alone. They settle..they stay with their miserable relationships with cheating partners as a substitute for their own fulfillment and it diminishes self-worth.
If he's gone and you don't want him back...you have been handed a gift. A gift of autonomy, freedom and regaining back your worthiness as a wonderful, good woman. I imagine his cheating took that self-worth away from you. You are fearful of being alone so rather that staying frightened over this...get busy and find something, family, new friends..anything to help you cope. And just remember the quality, satisfaction and meaning you get out of your life will depend now...how you face those fears. You have been through pain and please allow those wounds time to heal. But all wounds, to our body or to our spirit, follow a normal pattern of healing. But you don't have to grieve and heal, all alone. Look for a good divorce self-help group, where you can sit and either partake or just listen to other men/women going through the same experiences you are. In time, with the support of family, old friends and the new friends you will make, you will feel better and as time goes on, And remember your kids. They do not want you to withdraw from life. They want you to become that 'beacon of light' to them as you likely were, before your marriage break up. That alone should give you the strength to carry on. So now..phone up a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Everything you both had in this long marriage is half your and half of his. Get what you deserve. Get some legal advice.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (7 November 2007):
 Do whatever pleases you. After 31 years of marriage I suspect there are alot of things you've missed out on doing over the years. Think about your dreams, the things you may have given up earlier in your life to raise a family and be there for your spouse. Could it be you always wanted to learn how to do art, or learn a musical instrument? Maybe you've always longed to travel. A girls get-away on a cruise ship could be a blast! There's also classes you could attend. You don't necessarily have to work toward a degree (although you certainly could!!) but take up a foreign language, or salsa dancing, learn about history. Whatever will make you feel alive again, and give you the chance to make new friends and have things to do with your time is what I would do if I were you. Think of it as your second chapter in life. Not the ending of something but the beginning of something new. You are certainly young enough to have an active, fun and exciting life from here on out. I wish you the best!!!
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