A
female
age
41-50,
*ngi
writes:I was in a car accident about 1.5 years ago. It affected my confidence amongst other things. I lost out on a promotion at work that I wanted for 6 years and now I have lost my fiance who I love so much. We have been together for 7 years, engaged for 4 of them, it hasn't always been smooth running but we made it work.He stays with his mum and I stay with my parents, we had just saved up the deposit and were actively looking for a house. For a while, we had lost that spark, the passion and none of us spoke about it. In fact, he always kept his cards close to his chest whereas me, I will go off about things. He never said this was a problem but I knew it was, there wasn't any romance left either. On Saturday he said that he had enough and without talking about it walked away from 7 years of being together, I said that in a relationship there are 2 people and you both have to communicate you feelings but how can we sort out problems when he doesn't talk about them and you need to fight to keep your relationship alive, he said "Well, I'm telling you now". He dropped me off back at my parents house and said "Well, you didn't do much fighting there" although this was all my fault and he was not to blame either.I love him very much and I do know that the lack of passion/romance was a worry but I did think that it would work out, but its just not me to blame. He sent me a text saying that He loves me and always will and he has no doubt that I love him but that he feels I don't fancy him but he never showed me that he fancied me either. I don't think its worth throwing away 7 years, the majority of them being happy. After he texted me I texted back to say that I was not ready to speak it at the moment, to which he replied "Is that it?" My friend said not to text/phone which I am not going to as I feel if I do then he has the uppper hand in all this. My friend also said that maybe he isn't ready to get a house/get married/grow up. I am 32 and he is 38 (almost 39)I really don't know what to do/how to feel right now. My head is all over the place. If you do read this and reply then thank you for taking the time out to give me advice.
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at work, confidence, engaged, fiance, spark, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Angi +, writes (21 February 2008):
Angi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Anonymous reader. Yeah, I did think it was a bit of reverse psychology and sorry for being a bit short with you, I didn't mean it. Yeah, I am down but I don't think we should throw away 7 years but I do think we both need time to think/reflect on what we want out of our relationship. I too am seeing someone and have been through cognitive behaviour therapy for a year, yeah it has helped and the psychologist that I am seeing must be very patient.
I can put my loss of confidence down to my accident and feeling low self esteem but I suppose that is no consolation when it is coming to my fiance's feelings either. He is feeling rejected but why he can't talk about it with me I don't know.
Thanks for your tough love too, sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees. Whats for you will not go past you (my mum's phrase) and it is true, whether you believe in fate or not, its just part of a learning curve.
Right now I think we need time to assess everything, I have even starting exercising again to keep my mind active so it can't be all bad!
Thanks for taking the time to answer me, I appreciate it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2008): Sorry if I made you feel worse, I was being devil's advocate to see whether a completely new way of thinking would help. It is just that I have been through cognitive behaviour therapy recently and I found out that my negative thinking was causing a negative response in my partner. As soon as I decided to be enthusiastic it rubbed off on him and it all turned around in an amazing way. It is true that you both have to make an effort and it should not just be you. You could have a last try and try having some fun together, pure simple and unadulterated. I can see from the way you write that you are feeling very down. What you think is what you feel and what you feel makes other people react certain ways. I do wish you the best of luck and sorry my try failed to help!
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A
female
reader, Angi +, writes (20 February 2008):
Angi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, anonymous reader. Thanks for your, in my opinion poor response. There are 2 people in a relationship and why should it just be me that fights for it. A relationship isn't always about passion. And after being together for 7 years a house was the next step if he isn't ready for that, then thats HIS problem not mine. I will not be trodden like that, I am worth better than that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): He wants you to fight for this relationship not sit there like a silent, downtrodden moth waiting for your fate! For goodness sake if you want him tell him you adore him and go get him back. He wants you to really love him, not pay lip service. Stop talking house-buy and go away for a fab weekend with lots of fun and zero (I mean zero)reproach. Don't talk about all your woes, leave them behind and go rip his clothes off. Where is your passion girl? Drop the woe is me and have a laugh. Leave Eeyore under his twigs. Life is for enjoying, for really loving someone, for absolutely adoring someone, ESPECIALLY if you mean to marry them. You should have that at the very least when you start off, not slippers and a nice hearth. If you really want him go get him like you mean it. If it does not work at least you tried with some passion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): Hi Angi
Maybe a time apart will make think look a bit better and put things into prospective. He maybe a bit of a Peter Pan and just hasnt grown up yet, and when will he? Are you prepared to wait around forever for him. I am here if you want to keep in touch.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, Angi +, writes (19 February 2008):
Angi is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Waterloo Sunset for your answer. I am still in shock somewhat. I do think we can work it out but I feel that at this time I need time out to see what I want. I was still saving after we had got the deposit together whereas he was looking at £70 tops to buy and all I could think of was that could have gone towards furniture.I was in buying a house mode and looking forward to freedom and spending more time with him but maybe this is an excuse to not do it and not grow up. All his friends are living with partners/have kids and he is the only one who does not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): I'm sorry that you are going through this right now. Relationship need 100% attention and hard work sometimes to keep them going. Firstly dont keep listening to your friend. Listen to you inner self and what you want to do. If you want to get in touch with him then do so, but not by text, it is too impersonal, short and often brutal. If you want to talk to him, and try to get him to open up, then why not meet for a drink somewhere you havent been before. Neutral land. Talk over what each other wants from the relationship rationally. If you dont want to get back together then forget about the meeting up and just walk on. BUT after all this time i think you both need to come to some talking agreement and if you do love each other then try and work it out. You are both still young, but not too young and shouldnt be living with parents at your age. Surely you can find a flat that you can manage to rent? I think a lot of the problems here is the fact that you dont live together, but i could be wrong. After all this time, you have both got in a rut. Try and work something out by talking, you have spent a lot of years together, it would be a shame to throw that away.
Take care and let me know the outcome
xx
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