A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:*OP's own title*Me and my girlfriend have been together for 3 and a half years. For that length of time it felt as if we were the happiest couple alive. She always told me how I'm the most wonderful guy in the world and even better than the man of her dreams. Then it all came to an end nearly 3 weeks ago when she wrote me an email stating that she wants to end the relationship simply because she's not ready to settle down and since she's still young isn't ready to think about marriage. She wants to find out who she is and where she needs to be.I did the mistake all guys do by begging and pleading to get her back without any success, then by taking some advice and reading a book I backed off a little.4 days ago we had a 2 hour long conversation and she simply stated that I was being too obsessive of her and she felt as if the only thing that made me happy was her. I respected her decision but she pretty much stated that she has no intentions of ever getting back together with me nor talking to me ever again.This is day 4 of no contact. What do I do? =( I love this girl so much I need to find a way to get her back. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 March 2010):
 First, you have to abide by the no-contact rule. If you don't, you're going to seem obsessive and creepy and I can pretty much guarantee you that she will not find it attractive. Begging and pleading do not make you look desirable or sexy.
She was restless in the relationship and having been in her shoes once, I can imagine what a sense of relief she's feeling to be free to make her own decisions and not be accountable to anyone.
Your best strategy in this is to not look upon this as something you're going to turn around in a few days or even a few weeks. What you want to have happen is that she misses you and that she wants to be in your company. She can't miss you if you're making contact with her all the time. Each contact you make is like a little interruption in her day. In her mind, she's moving on, and these calls, texts or emails are just minor annoyances. They will make her angrier. They will not make her miss you.
So you need to get out there and live life large. I assume you have mutual friends? You want these mutual friends to be reporting back to her that you seem to be busy and accomplishing great things and attracting women in droves. You do not want them reporting back to her that you sit around all day and mope, drink too much and do stupid things.
You have essentially been told that your job has been eliminated. You've been fired. By email, no less. So you need to position yourself so that when and if that job opening becomes available, you are the first candidate, and hopefully, the ONLY candidate. This can be accomplished my making sure your date-ability is in no doubt. Does she have any girlfriends who seemed more than a little interested in you? It's time to let them know you might be available for a date. You don't have to sleep with them, enter into a committed relationship with them, you're just trying to get this thought to enter your ex's head, "Wow, Tiffany wasted no time in trying for my boyfriend. Hm. I wonder if I might be making a mistake." You don't want her to think, "Wow, Bob didn't waste any time asking Tiffany out. Good riddance." So it's a delicate balance. It can be done, but you have to be smart about this.
You sound a bit panicky and freaked out right now. You're not going to make good decisions until those feelings have subsided somewhat, or are manageable. If this girl is your 'everything', then I guess it's time to get a bit more balance in your life. Her comments that you seem too obsessive and that she is the only thing that makes you happy tells me you are wayyyyy too dependent on her. She doesn't want that responsibility. So what do you do? You show her that you have other interests, other passions, things you are good at and things that you enjoy doing. You take that pressure off her. Obviously, these wonderful events and experiences will have to be reported to her by other people, so make sure you let them know how well you're doing. You want her to begin to doubt her decision, by showing that you ARE independent, capable of making yourself happy, that you are attractive to other women, and that you might get snapped up by someone else.
So it's a longterm strategy, there are no quick fixes for this.
She sees you as a burden, and one she doesn't want anymore. That's what you have to turn around and it won't be done by mere words or promises. That has to be accomplished through positive action and deeds.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 March 2010):
 If you love her, you let her go and if she comes back , she is yours.
The more you chase after her, the more she will run away from you .In the end, she will cut you off completely and you will only make a fool of yourself.
You need to respect her decision because love cannot be forced.
If you are meant to be , you will come together ,otherwise your destiny is not the same.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): Its going to take you a long tome and I know love her but you have to let it go. If she was to go back you she knows she in control and you will never wear the pants in that relationship. You have to more on.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (27 March 2010):
You can't get her back if she doesn't want to be with you. You two are really young and the breakup was probably bound to happen sooner or later. If one person is feeling like the other's happiness is based solely on them and the relationship, it can put a lot of pressure on someone. I haven't had a "real" relationship since probably about 3 years ago and after being single for this long, thinking of someone being happy based on whether they're with me or not freaks me out.
You just need to move on. Begging definitely doesn't work you could just leave her be and maybe she'll come back around but trust me, it will only to be friends and she'll probably be confused about what she wants ocassionally. Believe it or not, just about everyone goes through what you're going through. It's a part of life, sometimes we get dumped by someone we really love, but they don't love us back the same way. It sucks and you'll be sad for a probably several months, but you'll get over it. You need to take your focus off of her, the relationshp, and the past. Focus on moving forward and improving your life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): All hope is not lost. Maybe there's a chance for her to never return but at the same time the future is unknown. People have gotten back together after things like abuse and cheating. I don't think something as common as being too clingy can make one never consider possibly dating again in the future, specially if it was something very special.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): She's gone. There is not much you can do but try and move on.
It hurts. A lot. But be a man and shove it all deep down in that gut and let her do as she pleases. Find a girl who isn't a bitch.
Flynn 24
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