A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Before I start, this question is related to a long-distance relationship, and I know that there are many people out there that criticize it and are not open to saying anything good about it, so I would appreciate logical answers or answers from aunts and uncles that have been in a long distance relationship or know someone that has or isn't one to judge.Now, I'm 20 years old, live in London and go to university (just outside of London). Last year, in December 2012, I met this guy from Leicester, we hit it off and we swapped numbers but our conversation was only about 10 minutes long. Anyways, ever since I left Leicester and have been back in London, we have been speaking everyday, all the time. We started off as friends, built like a bond, just chatted in a friendly manner and then the flirting started and now it's gotten quite serious between us. We speak all day, from morning until early hours of the night. And when we speak we sort of refer to ourselves as being each others, so he'll say "You're mine" and I'll say the same, we send several amounts of kisses at the end of each message we send to each other. We've spoken on the phone a couple of times but in general, I don't like phone calls that much and neither does he, so we just IM instead. This is the first time I've spoken to someone just via IM and actually developed some feelings towards the person, we have both even told each other that we do like each other, he has said whenever he is speaking to a girl he likes, his intention is to develop it into a serious relationship, and I feel the same way as him (except I have never had a boyfriend before so this feeling is pretty new to me) any time I'm feeling insecure about what we are, or when I'm going to see him he reassures me of any doubts that I have, he's kind and always making a conversation with me, but the more I like him the more I start thinking negative thoughts and the more I analyse things and I have noticed that in general, I don't know much about him on a deeper level. Like, his background, his childhood, just little things about him. So I've been asking him small stuff, just about his family, what holidays he's been on, which was his favorite, if he's had any injuries and how they occurred, but he never seems to ask me anything back, I know he likes me, but he doesn't seem to actually ask me any questions that would make him get to know me more as a person, and anything on a deeper level. He replies to my questions straight away and we can talk for hours about anything, but we don't talk about each other, unless I'm the one asking.Now, he's planning to visit me in London at the end of March, he will be coming for two days and staying for one night, I am really excited to see him but at the same time, where's the intimacy in our conversations? We are able to have funny, light-hearted, sweet and sexy conversations, but what about the deep meaningful conversations too?I don't know if he's just not interested in getting to know stuff like that because I know everyone is different and some people just don't feel the need to know that sort of stuff, or maybe he's not trying to rush anything and those questions will come in due time, or in general he just may not be the type to ask questions like that. But I'm slightly starting to feel like I'm not wanted. Now, before you think "Calm down, you two are just talking" or "You two are not in a relationship yet" or "You have only seen him once", the fact is, we have built such a bond through messaging each other, and we're always texting. And we have both established that although we aren't "together", we are interested in each other, and we have decided that when he comes to visit in March and if things do go well and we like each other the same way and are both on the same page, then we're going to be "seeing each other", not exclusively/officially, we won't make it a boyfriend/girlfriend thing just yet, but we will definitely be aiming towards that stage and trying to arrange regular visits to make that happen.Only problem with me is, I am an insecure person, I've been in situations with guys before where things ended horribly and I was hurt and I have a lot of family issues in general but again, he doesn't know any of that simply because he has not asked and I'm not the type of person to just tell someone something if they're not interested in knowing. It does upset me that he just doesn't show an interest towards me on a deeper level, I was content with our conversations but the more I like him, the more I've started to think about things and now it's starting to bother me. When I mentioned this to him, (we do have a good level of communication towards each other) I wrote "I've noticed you don't really ask me questions about myself" and he said "That's because you're perfectly fine the way you are right now" I then replied "Thank you, but it also makes me feel as though you're not interested in knowing anything more about me" and he said "I could ask you a lot, but I already know the important stuff anyway, if you think about it". But I don't know if I feel that way and I really don't want to nag him or keep mentioning it.I don't really know how to view this, or how I'm supposed to feel but I am feeling rather upset. This is all so new to me, in general, guys have not spoken to me as much as he speaks to me, guys haven't asked me questions, noone has truly bothered to get to know me as a person, and yeah he does know a little bit but he doesn't know that much or as much as I feel he should know. But he seems to be pretty content with it, so I'm just confused.
View related questions:
flirt, insecure, long distance, never had a boyfriend, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 March 2013):
You are very welcome.
Best wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the responses and advice and thank you Dorothy Dix for that additional comment.
I have no realised that I may have been overthinking the issue and stressing out for no reason. You are right, that is just the way he is, he has made it clear that asking questions isn't the type of person he is, so I will let it go and accept it.
Thank you again :) x
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 March 2013):
Hello again. Thanks for that extra information.
Sometimes people won't ask others about themselves, because they feel they might be prying.
And no-one wants to do that.
And with him probably feeling this way - and I really feel that he does - it is very unlikely that he ever asks you any personal questions, unless you let your guard down and volunteer some information about yourself, from time to time.
And I don't mean anything that is way too much information for a new relationship.
Just things that you could add to any particular conversation that you have with him, that fits in with the same subject and would allow him into your private world, just a little.
You see, in a way, you are kind of the opposite of each other in as far as how much you tell about yourself to the other.
You want him to ask you, but he is not the type to ask any personal questions.
And I would say, that he is like that with all people - friends and family alike.
So don't feel insulted by that. It is just his way, and you can't change who he is.
So with that being the case, it would be wise for you, to simply accept that it is who he is as a person, and it doesn't mean he doesn't care about people.
And with his comments such as - "information will come out when it does" - and - "things will just unravel on their own" - he is not saying he isn't interested, but more, that these things will come out when they are meant to.
He is not saying - "I don't want to know."
So don't take it that way, because that is not his intention at all.
And it seems clear that he isn't a mean or selfish person, he just likes life to flow of it's own accord.
So let life flow, and whatever happens, happens.
Everything is perfect, just the way it is.
Nothing happens by accident.
Things happen for a reason.
Everything in good time - it can't be rushed or forced.
What you are hoping to happen, will happen when the time is right.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (9 March 2013):
Hi there. Although you have only seen each other once, the rest of your conversations have been by chatting online, which is very different from actually being together in one room.
So for that reason, it might be that he keeps the conversations light and fun, instead of getting into really serious stuff that might upset either one of you.
And under the circumstances, I can understand that.
So it is possible, that he may be saving more deep and meaningful type of subject matter, until he sees you again at the end of March.
And it could be that you will both have the opportunity of getting to know each other more thoroughly then.
So don't take it personally, or think it means he isn't really interested in you.
Because, if he wasn't so interested in you, you would think that he wouldn't be conversing with you at all, surely.
And it seems you get along quite well together, so keep that in mind, and just feel happy that those conversations you have online, are light and cheeful.
And just see how things go when you do see each other again.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 March 2013):
 My husband is always amazed that when I spend a few minutes with someone I've just met, if they are chatty and open, I can find out all sorts of things about them he'd never thought to ask. As in, where did you meet your wife, how did your husband propose, what is your secret career goal, etc.
He doesn't ask because it's not a priority for him to find stuff out about people. I find it interesting to learn about people and am genuinely interested in their lives.
I'm guessing your guy assumes that if you have something to tell him, you will. Being a quasi-journalist isn't everyone's goal or joy….
If you want him to know something about you, tell him. Don't wait for him to ask you.
It could be that he's not all that deep or interested in you. As you seem very keen to tell us not to judge your choice of boyfriend, that's up to you to determine without our help.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): The guys just like me. I don't ask questions like that to people I like. Although if they tell me I'll listen. The past is what makes you. But what does it matter how you became who you are when you already are who you are. Tell him what you need him to know about your past and ask him what you want to know. Things like that aren't equally important to everyone, but that doesn't mean they care any less for you. If you're dating that's all that matters, now and the future. There are people that use more time to get to know the other person, rather than just right away rushing. To me it seems like hes just enjoying his time with you. And is.. Savoring it slowly.Of course there is the small chance that he actually might not actually care about you.. But it's like that even with those that ask questions and so on too. So don't worry about it everything will come with time. At the moment you like him and he says he likes you. Choose to trust him or leave him.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAdditional Info:After he wrote "I already know the important stuff if you think about it".I wrote "To be honest, I don't feel as though you do, I kinda feel like you dont know that much about me or just aren't curious to knowing me as a person".He then wrote "I just don't like to probe into peoples things, usually information about the person unravels naturally"And I replied "That is understandable, but I don't feel as though you're attentive towards me, because I ask you questions and get nothing back from you" He replied "I've always been quiet like that, I hate indulging with thoughts, it's just one of those things with me, I don't rush getting to know somebody, information will come out when it does"I can fully understand where he's coming from but I don't think he's understanding me. I don't feel wanted, I feel like he's not bothered to know who I am, now I don't want to keep mentioning it because it will definitely seem like I'm nagging him, I just want him to have an interest in me! Because I don't know why he's interested in me now, I'm not the type to just let out information about myself, so when he says "things will just unravel on their own", they won't. I don't like to bother people with info about myself, so if he doesn't ask me something, I won't say it. So now I feel as though I'm making an effort in getting to know him but he just doesn't seem to want to know me.And it leaves me to think how things will be like when he comes to visit me? What are we going to talk about? I don't want our conversations to be so light hearted, I want to actually know him as a person and I want him to have that interest to know who I am too, otherwise he won't ever really know me.
...............................
|
