A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HI,I am not sure how to put all of this...anyways, I was very abandoned as a child (at 34 I can admit and see this now)...anyways, my mom used to leave me alone alot while she went out and it caused me alot of anxiety. She used to have to leave a hotpad on my stomach to ease my sickness. I dont think she ever put it together that it was her leaving me late at night to hit up the bars as what was causing my sickness. Even after that I married someone who would leave me to go out partying with frends just like my mom....I of coufse left him...I am now much healthier even though I have my issues but there is one thing I would like to work on...I am currently in a very healthy relationship and I'm feeling like my reaction to some things are wrong and I need to change. If my boyfriend tells me he's going to a game with a friend or to lunch with his uncle my heart and stomach both drop, I get really anxious and I feel weird and almost scared? He isnt doing anything wrong. I know this reaction isnt logical but how and why do I do this?? I dont want to feel those feelings. I want to be that girl that says "oh great, have fun!".....But I dont. I have been able to hide those feelings until today when it became transparant what I was feeling. I sounded ridiculous and didnt like what I was doing. I dont even go out with friends in fear of something I cant pinpoint. Its like I am scared??Any help would be greatly appreciated! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (9 May 2010):
 I recommend all the books by Melody Beattie. She has written Codependent No More and the New Codependency, both of which have really helped me a great deal.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbsolutely helpful! It is NOT his behavior, he actually rarely does anything other than play basketball or lunch with his uncle after a game....I just dont want to freak out emotionally like today. All he was doing was havng lunch with his uncle after the game! Not a big deal and I know that logically but emotionally I freak out on the inside. I agree create your peace, I will look for some stuff so that I can learn how to deal and calm that part of me. I have a man that I can trust so it has never been about that...It just does something weird to me...I will strive to learn how to deal, I dont want him to feel like he has that girlfriend at home who is gonna freak out when he has lunch!!Thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): My fiance and I have had a conversation kinda like this. I said, If you want to go out friday night, and I say no, will you stay with me... he said yes. I said, if you want to go the following friday, and I say no, will you stay with me, he said, yes. I said, if you want to go the third friday, and i say no, will you stay with me. He said no. I said .. I would never stop you from going out, but at the third friday, I would ask why you never invite me, to which he said, there is no where he would go that I cant come with him. Weve had conversations about seperate holidays .. this will never happen with us.
The point is, in a relationship there are 2 people, with 2 different set of needs, wants, desires, and both people need to understand and respect the others, aswell as keeping their own individuality.
You need to find out, why youre not being invited on these outtings and it would be nice if he would give up some going out time with the boys to spend with you.
I also recommend a hobby. Giving yourself a facial with a couple glasses of wine, and a bubble bath while hes out. Look at the time hes gone, as your special time to yourself. Use the time to focus on you.. and you will find that while he was out, you didnt have time to think about what he was doing.
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