A
male
age
41-50,
Odds
writes:Let's leave aside for now the fact that philosophers have pondered for millennia what the "self" actually is. Not going to get into that, most of those men were a lot brighter than I am (okay, all of them were, but that's not the point).Instead, I should point out that most of the time when I see someone say, "Be yourself," it's just a nice-sounding way of saying "Don't change anything about your behavior and attitude, and just wait passively for your life to improve." Not just on this site, but just about anywhere, it's a way of reassuring people that they need not take responsibility for their own ideas and circumstances. It's not active advice.People ask for help because they find themselves in circumstances they don't want, such as being unable to find someone to relate to. There is a somewhat sexist slant to it - most of the time, it's girls who are told to "just be yourself!" I think it's meant as a statement of reassurance, but in the long term, it's cruel to tell someone seeking help not to take control of their life. People are more willing to tell an unsuccessful guy to be more confident, outgoing, and assertive (anyone unwilling to do so is being counter-productive). What I don't know is if the difference is out of some misplaced sense that girls can't handle any implication that they are responsible for their own life, or if people think girls are inherently perfect and wonderful, but either way it's a disservice to them. Adults can handle constructive criticism, I've seen them do it.Back the the philosophers. To butcher it into a short version, John Locke wrote about the "self" as the result of a cumulative experiences and decisions of our life. The self is always changing, growing, and evolving in response to both. Who we are today is not who we were yesterday, and more importantly, we have control over it. Our circumstances are not always under our control, but our choices always are - even the hard choices. Perhaps especially the hard choices.Don't be yourself. Be the best version of yourself that you can be. Take responsibility, change, and grow. Discard bad qualities in favor of better ones. It applies to everything in life, but in the context of relationships, periodically ask yourself if your standards are realistic, instead of just saying, "I'm hard to please!" Ask if your attitude is a good one, or if you're just making the excuse, "I'm tough to handle, he/she will have to accept that." Ask if you're working to expand your comfort zone or hiding behind the idea, "I'm shy, it's just a fact." Ask yourself if you're sabotaging your own efforts at happiness, and what you can do about it. Learn from your mistakes, instead of just claiming "That's just the way I am!"And when you feel the urge to tell someone to just "Be yourself," ask yourself if all you're doing is giving them an excuse not to improve their own lives.
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reader, Abella +, writes (10 October 2015):
 Well put Odds. I find it so rewarding to look back at past articles on this site. Odds you are a treasure, for you great insights.
We are shaped by so many events, and as a result we can choose to grow and go forward, or hold ourselves back by blindly doing more of the same.
I think change is a fact of life.
That resisting change is a pointless exercise.
Change willl happen, and is the most predictable thing one can expect in life.
Digging one's heels in, and saying that things are not going to change, that it's your way or no way, is only going to isolate you and leave you behind.
Though forcing a change on ourselves, that does not feel right for ourselves, at that time, is not going to help either.
Other people will detect that incongruity and find it harder to trust such a person.
Your words and your actions need to be aligned. If you try to assert that you are a kind caring person but you constantly commit to actions that are devious and unkind and inconsiderare towards others, then you find yourself constantly mis-trusted by others. When the reality strikes that this behaviour is your problem then is your opportunity to change for the better.
Sometimes change has to be forced on people due to circumstances. Economic times mean that businesses close. Jobs are lost and prices of property can plummet if everyone wants to sell at the same time. Good people do sometimes suffer terrible changes that they did not deserve. Such change is not your fault. These changes are beyond your control. You are not responsible for these unwanted change but you can work with change. This is your opportunity to embrace change for the better.
Resisting change and retreating within and avoiding all contact with others is not going to make this change stop.
Instead it is better to accept that Change is inevitable.
Examine what you can change and where you can seek help to deal with these unwanted changes.
Some change is for the better, in the long term.
Occasionally some change disappoints us - because there are changes that can result in less than we enjoyed before.
While some changes call for a compromise on our part or the part of others.
Out of change we can grow and become a better person for accepting change and being flexible enough to consider that Change is here to stay.
Change can be your friend and help you in life.
My biggest change I had to accept was to be more patient. While I recognize that I can make my mind up quickly I accept that other people may take longer to make decisions or need longer to process all the elements of a change before they are ready to consider a change, commit to a change, or implement a change.
When you embrace some changes you may even look back and say, ''why didn't I do this sooner?''
If you think you can't afford a vacation and you've denied yourself a real vacation for a long time then choose a vacation that you can afford right now.
If you've always found that you attract people who do mean things to you then seek out new activities and seek out activities that take you out of your comfort zone and allow you to meet a better group of people doing more interesting things. Mean people tend to attract other mean people. Do not associate with such losers or they will try to drag you down to their level.
If your confidence is on the floor then pick yourself up and embrace exercise. Regular exercise will improve your health and release endorphins that will naturally make you feel good and will improve your confidence. Such changes can only make your life better and result in subtle changes that you implemented to improve you.
There is so much that can improve your life. So move forward and go smell the roses. Put yourself in control of your life where you decide which changes are in your best interest to consider or implement.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 September 2011):
 A new approach: tell people to move out of their comfort zone? Because I've noticed that seems to be holding people back, they're scared of taking a chance or make a change.
The old, albeit unsuccessful, is still familiar and feels safe. So making changes is scary! But how else are you going to break through and change things if you don't just do it?
You're right Odds, sitting back and doing nothing will not change ones situation much.
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