A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, I wonder if anyone could shed some light on a matter really bugging me regarding my fiance. Basically in a nut shell - we met when both of our previous marriages were pending divorce. My ex had run off with my best friend leaving me with a baby and a toddler and totally devastated. My fiance also had two kids and a wife who loved to spend! We both ended up falling in love and soon enough found ourselves living together for financial reasons. I was in a far better financial position than my fiance at the time so I offered to assist him but it's gone beyond ridiculous now! Although he works with me in a business we're trying to get off the ground, we simply don't make enough to cope with our combined monthly living expenses as well as his own debts and responsibilities like school fees and maintenance. I end up paying all the bills for a family of six now and its stressing me out. I find that when his kids come to stay with us that I really get annoyed with them because I feel like my children are having to compromise and share bedrooms, toys, my time etc. when they shouldn't be. I try so hard to be fair and accommodating but the financial stress bears down on me and I get really agro. I also find my fiance is really too relaxed with his kids when it comes to discipline and I'm a really strict parent. Our parenting styles are hugely different and this is also a bone of contention. I recently discovered that my fiance's 11 year old son was telling my 8 and 5 year old boys all about sex, oral sex etc.. and I was furious! There are days I just want to be on my own again but I really love my fiance. I know I have to accept his kids and find a common ground for the greater good but I'd appreciate any input from someone a little experienced in this kind of similar situation. Thanks, L
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2012): "I find that when his kids come to stay with us that I really get annoyed with them because I feel like my children are having to compromise and share bedrooms, toys, my time etc. when they shouldn't be."But the thing is, now that you're a new family, your children SHOULD have to compromise and share bedroom and toys and your time.If let's say you and your original spouse were still together as an intact household, and you had more kids. Well, your present kids would then have to share bedroom, toys, your time, and so on.So, change and adapting to change is part of growing a family. In your case, your family has grown quite suddenly because you're now with someone who comes with kids of his own. But the fact remains that this part about your kids having to adjust, is normal and to be expected and not something to be prevented."I try so hard to be fair and accommodating but the financial stress bears down on me and I get really agro. I also find my fiance is really too relaxed with his kids when it comes to discipline and I'm a really strict parent."You can't change your fiance's personality or his parenting style, but you can learn to control how you behave when you get stressed out - i.e. cut out the agro. Find something else to do to let off steam when you get really stressed. like, carry around a squeeze ball and squeeze that, or learn to count to ten and take deep breaths, or something. No matter how stressed out you are, getting nasty will only make things worse.finally, you and your fiance need to have a talk about some ground rules when it comes to parenting. This is not particular to being a blended family, many nuclear families also have disagreements between the spouses on how to raise their kids. This is just something you and your fiance will have to work out together. also consider if maybe you are moving too fast in your relationship. Maybe you should wait until he's in a better financial situation and can contribute more equally to the new household, before you actually make a new household together.You said the reason you moved in together was to save on expenses. But it turns out that only he is benefitting from this and it has actually increased your expenses. That's not fair, so maybe it's too soon to be merging households right now.
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