A
female
age
36-40,
*o2555
writes:Hey everyone, this is my first time writing here and I'd really appreciate some honest answers. ThanksMy boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years and I love everything about him, I honestly do! But whenever we have a day planned and something happens (usually on my side) that causes it to fall through, he is mad for the entire day, refuses to talk to me and blames it all on me.I am very good about telling him early enough in the day when things fall through so that maybe we can make other plans. But still, its no good for him.He acts like such a child when we fight too because apparently I am too stubborn to admit I'm wrong.He just gets my blood boiling and its gotten to the point where I dread telling him when things are going to change (just plans) because of the fight we'll have and the guilt he'll put on me. Another thing is that he puts ALL the blame on me, there's no fault ever in him. It's not cause he's stuck up at all, he is just too stubborn and apparently too hurt to see my side.I have read countless books on how to help us and I have tried talking to him about it, but he seems to hate conflict... I really hate how he blames everything on me all the time. I have told him THAT too but he continues to do it.I really do love him with all my heart and I don't know if I should just suck it up and deal with it or let him go... (which I really don't want to do)Another thing is I tried to relate what he's feeling to me. When he cancels on me I feel bad too, but I let it slide, in that way I feel like he's such a child and he's SO inconsiderate. I wish there was something I could say to make him get itPlease help:( I really love him and I can't imagine life without him so I need to fix this or at least make it betterthanks:) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 There is a level of maturity that some men never seem to achieve, and likewise there is always a point where some women can never admit they made a mistake.
The two of you need to be good to each other. When plans fall through, he needs to help you pick up the pieces without pouting or grousing about because he's upset. Obviously you're going to be upset too.
Both of you need to be honest with each other and when it comes to mistakes, be forgiving and constructive; not grudging and uncooperative.
It seems like you've done your part. If he truly does love you, then that stubborn part of him, his ego, has to yield to something much better.
You love him with all of your heart, and that says a lot. He needs to man up to his part of this bargain and learn to think of you, as much as you think of him -- first.
In other words, when we do things for or with our partners, we have to think of them first. That's part of what love is all about. They are very important in our lives and so we must think of how things will affect them before we jump.
Given all of that, I think you need to set down new "rules" for both you and him, that are ordinarily intuitive but somehow escaped both of you.
Its that simple. Start thinking of each other. When he starts getting childish, or thinking of doing that, he needs to think of you first; and he needs to take mistakes and use them constructively.
How do you do that? Simple, when a mistake is made, you both learn from it and use it as a guide to avoid future mess-ups. Maybe calendaring things, having a backup plan, whatever it is to save the day and win it, its something you can consider, and possibly plan together.
That's all.
Otherwise, just chucking it in isn't going to improve your lives together. If you're forever yielding to his childishness, then you're enabling and condoning that behavior. Likewise, when you're wrong on something, just say so. It happens as we all make mistakes.
Yielding on little things like this makes it easier to move on as a couple and actually grow into your relationship so that you're both closer.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): I guess if he treats you like this and you can't imagine life without him, then whatever he is doing is working. He has come to take you for granted and you find yourself in a one sided relationship where you are the only one trying. Maybe his anger stems from a guilt he is keeping inside himself and his actions are trying to push you away so you may break up with him. Or maybe he is just an a____le. I don't know but when you say "please help" there is very little we can do for you since the problem is not about you, and if something as simple as talking does not work then I know any parlor tricks to make him see himself. A relationship works through its hard time when both sides are willing. I guess try to talk to him and try to lay down the deal and tell him how you feel. You aren't stupid or weak so don't have him treat you as such if he tries to over react. But at least consider the thought of some "space" for yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): My advice is to run, not walk, away. I've been married almost 20 years and am getting ready to leave because I cannot take this type of situation anymore. He will only change when he wants to and he has shown you that he does not want to.
Best response to someone like this (from my therapist): "How could you have married/dated/whatever someone so incompetent?" The implication is that they are pretty stupid to keep hanging around with you if you really are that incompetent. But, of course, if they leave then they become responsible for their situation and decisions and have no one else, namely you, to blame.
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