B/f cheated on me with ex

A female age 36-40, *stewar23 writes:

I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past 9 mos. When we started dating he had came out of a 10 year relationship and had a 6 month old son with his ex. I was hesitant about dating him at first because of this and had told him on quite a few occassions that he should get back with her and make it work. He insisted to me and also to his relatives that there was no chance of reconciliation. So after a month of casual dating, he and I became an official couple. Two months later I found out I was pregnant. He seemed excited and a little overwhelmed at the time, but insisted that I didn't get an abortion. I was seriously considering doing so because I was only in my first year of law school. When the semester ended we moved in together and I began to notice that he spent an unusual amount of time at his ex's house when he supposed to be over her house just for their son. For instance, he would leave the apt. around 5/6 pm and come back at around 12/1 am. I insisted that he not stay over there any longer than 2-3 hours as opposed to the long hours he usually did because I believed his ex was playing mind games as she knew about me at this point and also knew I was pregnant. I went out of town twice (back home, I originally had come to that state we were in for school), at his insistence, and also because I missed my family and was kind of bored. My boyfriend began telling me at this time that he thought it was best I stay at home right after I had the baby because, the baby would probably develop colic, I would be in school, and he be at work and school, and all this would be truly chaotic without the extra help. At the time this sounded reasonable, even though I, his mom, and my mom insisted that I would be fine with a newborn baby. My mom went as far to say that he's playing me and that I needed to wake up and smell the coffee because if a man is telling you that you need to go home to your family and I don't want to, I should take that to mean he is trying to get rid of me. (I would later find out my mom was right) My mom also told me way at the beginning of our relationship that I shouldn't pursue it because he had just gotten out of 10 year relationship and had a son with that woman. Anyways, during the summer months with me going back and forth to my hometown, I noticed that my boyfriend began to act really mean at times: being confrontational, defensive, and having an attitude with me for no apparent reason. I chalked it up to him being stressed out because he claimed that he couldn't get his son and take him from his ex's apt. like he wanted to. At this point I didn't care about his ex nor his son. I know that may sound mean but I felt like he was putting me and my unborn son on the back burner for his "crazy" ex who didn't want him to see his son. I told him that if she wants to be a single a mother, don't stress yourself out....let her be one then. I not only told him that his family and friends told him that also. Right before summer ended I received a facebook message from his ex who seemed to be trying to reach out to me because she claimed she had been in my shoes when she was pregnant with their son. She told me that my boyfriend was a compulsive liar, irresponsible, and cant be trusted. She also said that he had been carrying on a physical and emotional relationship with him since almost the beginnning of our relationship. She sent me very grapihc text messages that he had sent her, many of which pertaining to him performing oral sex on her, which is something he never does with me and she told that they had rented hotel rooms, went to dinners, movies, and clubs together over the past couple mos. I was shocked because he never really took me anywhere except to the movies and that was on Thurs. nights. More disturbing was that she told me that he had told her that he still wanted to marry her, and I was situation that would be taken care of once our son was born. He told her that in Oct. ,which is my due date and also a time when he and I were considering me going back home, he said to her that I would be moving back home with the baby. He also asked her if she was ready to be a stepmother. During our conversation she mentioned that he had cheated on her many times during their 10 year relationship. He had admitted to me that he had messed with other women during their relationship so I figured no big deal since he was honest about it. Anyways the day he knew I found out, he told her that he wasn't in love with her and did not want to be her, but that he wanted to be with me. I then put him on three way, (he wasn't supposed to know about, but he figured it out) and asked him whether or not everything I discussed with his ex was true, and he said yes. The reason I did this is so that she would know I was not lying to her. His ex confronted him about some things I said to her, and I confronted him about some things he said to me. He seemed more upset with me that I had told her the truth about some of the women he slept with, telling me I should have had his back because telling his ex those things only made the situation worse for him and his son. We went back and forth for a few days with me telling him I would be his friend and help him through this difficult time and also with me still loving and being in love with him. I decided to forgive him and put things in the past. I also decided it was unhealthy to remain in contact with her, and he told her not to contact me anymore because we were to focus on the baby. My mom urged me to come home and remove myself from the situation stating that I was about to be involved in one big mess. A month after this happened his ex texted me at 3 am stating that they were still carrying on, and that he was still telling her he wanted to be her. It was a lot of he say she say mess in the texts between her and I. And it became apparent that one of them was lying. She told me that my bf had told her that she shouldn't told me details, that he admitted to her that all the things she told me had taken place ( although I had never questioned her about those things, I questioned him). She also told me that he had shown her my 4D ultrasound pics that were taken after the first incident, that I told him to tell her I no longer wanted to be contacted by her because my mom and I felt it was best to focus on the baby, and she was stressing me out. He also told her some other personal things that I had said to him or had taken place after I had forgiven him the first time. My questions are how can I move foward with my life. It is too late for me to go home as I am in my third trimester, and I feel that this is partially his fault because he begged me to stay (something else his ex mentioned) once he was caught cheating. He also proposed to me, but cant afford a ring. Should I dump him immediately after my baby is born, go back home, and go to school there? He has made my pregnancy very unenjoyable, and I will admit partially because I allowed him to by not listening to what my rational loved ones were saying. I feel really dumb, depressed, and lonely. None of these feelings are healthy for my son, even though I am trying to be happy I just seem to be unable to. I just don't know what to do....

View related questions: abortion, at work, cheated on me, depressed, facebook, his ex, liar, moved in, oral sex, text

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