A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm so confused.. please help!I've been seeing this guy for four months now. I met him online. we are both 36. I have a little girl who is 4 and I'm divorced. I have some trust issues from my past relationship but other wise I'm in a good place (its 2 years since I left my husband for cheating on me). Anyway, I feel my current boyfriend is blowing hot and cold all the time and its driving me crazy. He was pretty full on to start with then his parents split up and he moved in with his Dad while his Mum moved in with his sister. There were some ugly times and I didn't hear from him a week so thought it must just be a bad time. Was disapponted but just moved on with my life. This was 2 months into the relationship. Anyway then he got in touch out of the blue and explained he had a really bad time. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he was full on again. Told me he loved me, even asked me to marry him! has been sweet, loveable and really good fun. I know he is having alot of personal problems. His Dad is very demanding, he had a breakdown last year and had to have 6 months off work (he's a teacher). He also had to declare himself bankrupt for gambling and only just been cleared of it. he is still very tight with money and his Dad controls his finances. Anyway he was full on again, then went back to just texting me and I have not seen him for 9 days. He said he has been ill with tension headaches and flu and cancelled three dates. I'm trying to be understanding but I feel like he's got me a bit all over the place. He's coming over tomorrow night and he asked me if I was cooking tea for hkim and part of me snappped somewhat and I said 'I hope you're joking' ( I was tired). Please would someone help me sort through all this. Thank you.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 May 2011):
 sorry but he sounds like a liability. he was declared bankrupt for GAMBLING? is he getting help to overcome this addiction? and now his dad controls his finances? - i presume this is coz your boyfriend cannot be trusted with money? so the gambling problem looks like it is still present? blowing hot and cold, cancelling dates, the marriage proposal at the beginning (seriously?) not hearing from him for a week at a time? and who was it that had the break down? him or his dad? (sorry i could not tell from your post)
you met him online (how much do you actually know about him?)
you have been with him for just four months and in that time he has let you down for dates, gone AWOL. why are you bothering?? he really doesn't sound like a good bet, sorry
x
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (24 May 2011):
 This relationship sounds very wonky to say the least. I agree with your assessment -- this guy is other full on or full off.
The marriage proposal, while flattering, sort of indicates to me that he is on an emotional rollercoaster and that he'll go to any extreme just to keep you in his life. I think also, that you are only beginning to learn a little bit about your boyfriend. You have yet to go through any "normal" times with him and at this point, I bet your hardly know him.
If he is serious about you, he'd make you a priority in your life. That includes at least a phone call even during the darkest of times when he was dealing with his parents' mess. It seems like you were forgotten despite you were technically his fiancee...
At this point, you need to communicate to him that you need stability. Explain to him that you feel like you've been on an amusement park ride with him and that you need to be courted -- not rushed into something more stable than what you really have. If now is a bad time for him to be an in a relationship due to stability issues in his life, you and him may have to dial it way back.
I would urge you to take things slowly -- make sure this guy keeps you a priority in your life and make sure he's the "one". I think you've only scratched the surface in knowing this man and it is WAY too early to even be thinking about marriage.
Enjoy his company and if things don't feel right, you'll know and in your heart you'll have to tell him good-bye and get off the merry go round. The right guy who will sweep you off your feet will come knocking when you are ready.
Best wishes.
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