A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:You can be walking down the street (or in a store), and men would approach and ask for your name and number. Or you're at the club and they offer to buy you a drink. Pretty much wherever you are, men shower you with attention, even if you just met. And after years of experiences like these, you've come to realize that you're attractive to men, and you know it. I have 3 questions about this:1. Can you describe what's it like to be attractive to men? 2. How do you now expect the average man to behave when he notices you for the first time?3. What do you think of men in general as it relates to them being attracted to you? Thanks. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (3 October 2014):
Dear OP,
Before I answer your question, which goes a bit against my tendency to be humble, just let me add that whether or not I feel attractive as a woman depends heavily on the context. In a club full of models I feel rather invisible, but when I go to a "normal" club, dressed up and in a good mood, I get the attention I want. Generally, I'd say, that I'm not the kind of "attractive" that is movie-star-like and causing a traffic break-down when I cross the road, but I'm attractive enough to be noticed by a variety of men in a variety of places. Like, a café, bar..
1) What is it like to be attractive to men.
Hm. First of all, it makes me very happy, because it wasn't always like that. I used to be a kind of wallflower and now that I'm dressing more feminine and looking a bit more feminine than I used to, I enjoy the attention. I feel more visible as a person, more alive, more self-confident at social events. But there are downsides to it, for instance some men are making aggressive moves towards me. Safety has definitely become an issue. And also at work, I don't want to be seen as the "pretty girl" that doesn't have any real qualifications.
2) How do I expect the average man to behave?
Well, that's my ideal scenario:
A deep look into my eyes, a smile. Maybe looking again, holding my gaze for just a half-of-a-second too long. You know, giving off some nonverbal signs of interest and waiting if I give off some signs, as well. If I smile and blush, of course I'm happy if the guy comes over (without waiting too long, maybe coming over instantly), start any kind of friendly conversation and, after 2-5 minutes, leaving again, while giving me his number or asking for mine. Making me a discrete compliment, showing some humor and manners are always welcome. At a first approach, it's best not to stay too long (good for avoiding an awkward silence, keeping the curiosity), and not overdoing it with gestures of any kind (like paying for a drink, it's unnecessary for me). To be friendly and a bit distant is better than investigating and throwing around big compliments and looking desperate.
The reality is different, though :).
3) What do I think of men in general?
In general, I think men are only human beings and I don't expect them to make a perfect move to get to know me. I think it's brave to get across the room and talk to a stranger. But when I don't know a man, I'm rather cautious and in my mind I often ask myself 2 questions: "Attractive or not?" and "dangerous or not?". As a woman, I will try to conclude from a man's behavior, in the first let's say 2 minutes, in what category he belongs. Most of the information I use is given off from the body language. I'd say I generally prefer guys that look kind of "nice" or "cute" and have some kind of manners, but unfortunately, those are often really shy and don't make any approach. But I think that in the 21st century, women should also be able to sometimes make the first move. I did that on a few occasions, with mixed success, but I don't think men have to be so "alpha-male" anymore, so that's okay with me. I'd enjoy, in general, a less hostile/fearful attitude towards women, less expectations and more generosity - I don't mean in a financial way! The generosity of the heart, to say something nice, to give some time to talk, to show some interest even if it turns out that the woman won't immediately go home with you. Generally, between the two sexes, I wish there was room for a more playful attitude and some fun.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): I will answer this anonymously as I don't want to be perceived as bigheaded. Being pretty has two sides to it. One would be a fool to only complain without seeing the obvious advantages. Growing into my teens was embarrassing as hell. I got the boobs early on and I was lucky enough to have a pretty face and a decent body and people noticed. At the time I was not comfortable with the attention I was getting so I wore the baggy t shirts and did the whole tomboy/zero make up routine until I actually wanted attention from the other sex. Being young and stupid I benefited from male attention. I got free drinks, free entrance, not waiting in line, the lot. It did not impress me simply because it was superficial as much for me as it was for them. Getting a boyfriend was never a problem. Getting the right boyfriend for the right reasons was. At first they would be thrilled to have me but once the novelty wore off it became obvious that they had pursued me for the wrong reasons and I let them so I was also to blame. I was even involved in a bitter feud between two "friends". the whole thing was especially painful when I realized it was not about me but about the competition between them. I was lucky enough to find love after many attempts. Due to external circumstances we needed to break up but I will always cherish him. Bottom line, you do get perks for looking good. Doors do open. But the way you look doesn't necessarily make you a person worth pursuing. Also, finding a true connection with another human being is really just as hard. Being attractive affects people in different ways. Some think that this alone gives them more value than credited which in reality only sets them up for failure unless entitlement and superficial connections is all they want. I won't lie to you. No one wishes to be less attractive. But at the end of the day people regardless of looks need to feel secure within their relationships and that paradoxically means understanding and "getting" them regardless of how they look. Confidence plays a huge role in that which is why you see really gorgeous people going crazy over objectively "ugly" ones who have the right attitude and click with them. At the end of the day, in real connections it should genuinely not matter how objectively attractive the person is (because then it is not purely about you and the person, but about you, the person and the way the world sees you as a couple) but how attractive the person is to you. The person I consider to be the love of my life is gorgeous - in my eyes. Whether other people find him as delicious doesn't matter to me. I love his essence. Hope it helped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): I think when men when men make eye contact and the glance lingers a little longer than the norm. I also think that men who are attracted to women either laugh a lot around the women they find attractive, and if they know you long enough they may even do little things to show they are protective of you by standing up for you, or assisting you with something. Men also show that they are very comfortable talking to you and find ways to prolong the conversation or make small statements (direct or indirect) to see how you will respond to their so-called 'friendly overtures".
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