| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: It has taken me guts to get my ideas in writing here as this is the first time I openly admit what I am feeling. I have recently struggled through a lot of issues with my husband. On the one hand, he is a good father, loyal, sensitive and devoted. On the other hand, he is verbally abusive to me, has a very short fuse and has a drug addiction he cannot seem to overcome. He can also be be quite controlling. About a year ago, one of my neighbor's caught my attention and I think the feeling was mutual. Whenever he would get a chance to see me, he would ask me personal questions about me, my husband's job,what I do for a living, my husband's age (who is a bit older than me). At first, I figured it was just neighbourly talk, but when his wife would jump into the conversation, I noticed he got nervous. One day, I was going for a walk and his car slowed down significantly to stare at me. At first I didn't recognize him. I only realized it minutes later. On other occasions, when we would bump into each other, he would smile and the smile would linger and he would look again to see if I was smiling (and yes I did return the smile as I do find him attractive). I love his personality. He is a kind person and his wife, whom I know personally is just awful (and I rarely say that about anyone!). She constantly tells him off in front of me and emasculates him, wines, gets on his case and has no appreciation for him. When him and I talk, I feel like I am speaking to my other half. He even once made a remark that I am very patient. Recently, on the way out of their house, he smiled and winked at me after we had all been talking. I wasn't sure if it was a friendly gesture or what to make of it, but it stuck with me. On other occasions, he blurted something out that he knew about me and I asked him how he knew, and he nervously answered that his wife had told him, but I had never told her! He must have found out some other way, but he could have easily said where he found out as it was no big deal. Was he trying to hide his interest in me? On another occasion, I came out of my house where several neigbors were hanging out and my husband was also there. When this guy saw me, he then looked over at my husband and then told his children they were leaving and literally walked away while I was just about to say hi. If there was nothing to it, why did he react this way? I recently moved to another city and tried to put this behind me, and thought these "feelings" would go away but they have not. I do not want to ruin anyone's life, but can't help but feel like he and I are somehow connected. I still talk to his wife, and once, him and I spoke for a few minutes and he asked me how the new place was where I lived and that he was considering real estate in my city! I was elated but then got really depressed because I don't know if there is anything behind this and even if there was, it is just wishful thinking. Both he and I are in miserable marriages. We probably love our partners, but I know he is emotionally disconnected from his wife, just as I am from my husband. Gosh, can't believe I just got that off my chest, but at least someone can give me some advice because I don't know what to think anymore! Does he feel anything toward me, and if so, what should I do??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): This is all amazing advice. It really clears up my mind and I did think about what you said, that technically we can marry any given person and feel disconnected somehow one day down the road. For me, it is not so much about unflattering things my husband may do, but more about being disconnected emotionally a lot of times, especially when he is in one of his many bad moods. Seeing a potentially kinder person who doesn't critisize my every move would be a breath of fresh air, but that would not suffice to consider leaving my husband. That word doesn't even exist in my vocabulary at this point in my life. I just felt a special (unspoken) connection with this other man, which is beyond words, and I know what he feels about his wife because I see how she treats him badly ALL the time.
I do need to get this other person out my mind. It was the cherry on the cake when I made a decision to move to another city. I felt it would be wrong to live so close to a person who made me feel so right. I needed to close the book offically to "what could have been". The reason why I wanted to know if this other person was displaying signs of interest is simply curiosity because I occasionally get him on the phone when I speak to his wife. Deep inside, yes I do care to see if I was just imagining things or not. I would not dare act on it, as I moved really far away, literally.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2012): hi OP I"m the previous female anon.
"How do you know the truth when you cannot cross the boundaries to ask or discuss?"
But this is the thing. Why does it even matter what "the truth" is, if you're adamant about staying with your husband? What difference does the "truth" make if you're in no way contemplating leaving your husband?
just think of it this way. there's many people in this world that you could conceivably have married and lived a long happy life with. I don't believe there's one and only one person for you. Your neighbor could be one of those men whom, if you had married him, you would be happy with. As could any other man you meet on the street or whose path you have crossed. But so what? The reality is that you have already chosen to marry someone (the guy who is right now your husband and the father of your kids). So what does it matter if you saw someone that you could have married too?
as for not connecting with your husband but connecting with your neighbor. I wouldn't read too much into this. You might find that if you had married your neighbor, that you would now be feeling equally disconnected with him. Time, shared responsibilities, shared difficulties, and seeing each other in unflattering ways, tends to do that to you. You have had those moments with your husband but not your neighbor. You haven't seen your neighbor in the same intimately UNflattering times as you have seen your husband. that's why you have much fewer negative feelings toward you neighbor. it's like the start of any new relationship where you don't yet know all the other person's faults.
if you and your neighbor were in a real relationship then you can weigh up the good and the bad. But since you're not in a real relationship since both of you are still married to other people, you'll never get to know how it could have been and as long as you're adamant about staying with your husband then there's no reason to know any further.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Thanks to those who have responded. It is a dilemma because I have suddenly found myself in "unknown territory". I am extremely faithful to my husband, even to the point that I would be scared to be overly nice to any man whether it be in front of my husband or not. Even writing this post I feel like I am not being faithful to him because something is being written about it and it is admitting how I feel. I never thought it would be possible to feel more connected to someone other than my husband. I still look into his eyes and say "this is the father of my children with whom I have had laughs and horrible moments, but he is still here and he loves me and the children". We just don't connect in many ways. It is our marriage bond that is keeping us together. On the other hand, this other man ticks off so many boxes. He is patient, kind, career-oriented, and gentle. These things draw me to this other person. It is not a sexual attraction though, it is very emotional. Does this man feel what I am feeling or am I just making things bigger than they actually are? How do you know the truth when you cannot cross the boundaries to ask or discuss? I know I wouldn't dare, and neither would he since he is so controlled by his wife.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): It's premature to be trying to predict how things will go with him and then basing decisions on that. That's completely backwards which is why you can't "know" with any certainty what to do.as long as you're both still married, you can't be in a real relationship together (for moral and logistical reasons). As long as you're not actually in a real relationship together you can never know it it will work out between you or if it's meant to be. And since you can't know if it will work out between you, you're too scared to leave your marriage so you continue to stay married and back to square one of this insane cycle. the more sensible thing to do, and which eliminates the ethical dilemmas, is for both of you to first divorce your spouses regardless of what the other is planning to do. Then once divorced you're free to try a new relationship with each other and see where it leads. And if you divorce your husband but your neighbor doesn't divorce his wife, well that's a risk you take but one that you have to take and should if you're serious about doing something constructive toward your love life. But lots of people are too afraid to do this because they are afraid of being on their own in case things dont' work out. They want to hold onto their miserable marriages in case the new relationship doesn't work out or the new guy/woman doesn't become available after all. they would rather be in a miserable marriage than risk being single and alone.All I can say is, put your money where your mouth is. You say that your marriage is so miserable? Well then PROVE IT by divorcing your hb regardless of whether you have a new man doing the same for you or not. If you stay married then all your complaints of how awful your husband is to you don't really hold water as a justification for planning a new relationship. it's really weak and manipulative to set up a new relationship in secret before letting go of another one. therefore, figure out first if you are serious enough about being miserable in your marriage, to actually divorce. If you are, then follow through and then see what happens. If you're not serious enough to divorce your husband on your own, then you're not ready for a new man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): Hi, I can somehow relate to your dilemma as I have been in a similar situation. I met a guy through work about 3 and half years ago. From the start we seemed to hit it off well and always had a chat. I have always been a shy, quiet kind of person and he seemed to be pretty much the same in character but maybe a little more confident. It wasn't until a few months down the line when I had gone to work a little upset (at the time I was in a relationship with someone else), he had seen me asked if i was ok and seemed genuinely concerned. I said i was and for him not to worry. My friend came to speak to me and said that "A" was asking if i was ok and wants to talk to you. He did and seeing i was upset asked me if he could hug me. I really wanted to but declined by just saying i can't because i will just cry and it's not fair. He did seem a little sad at this but did accept it. Later in the evening (i work shifts) before he was due to finish he was chatting and we laughed a bit and then out of the blue he said 'you have a really nice smile and i like to see it' we did chat more and then he left. My friend commented and asked what is going on here then to which i replied nothing at all, he's just being friendly. To cut a long story short, my feelings did change for him and i developed a bit of a thing for him, didn't say anything to him or anyone else and as far as i was concerned everything carried on as it had previously. One day my other friend looked at me over the table (i was sat opposite "A")and gave a knowing look as if to say there is something going on here what is it. The long and short of the story is we did meet up out of work and our friendship developed more but i found out he was married and his wife was pregnant at the time (and he is a practising muslim) and so we parted ways for a while.This made things hard at work and before he left for his new placement we were hardly looking at each other let alone speaking. About 10 months ago we regained contact, i met his son and things progressed. The feelings i had for this guy had re ignited and we became very close. He split from his wife and is currently filing for divorce. We haven't been properly intimate although we have been away for weekends and he has been so understanding about some issues i am struggling with. At the moment we are having some time apart as i needed to be on my own for a while, he has been in contact and we have talked, i know his feelings are strong and he knows how ifeel about him. We have been through some tough and trying times and although we aren't quite where we want to be i know that whatever happens he will always be a true friend. I can sympathise totally and understand your feelings. The guy in my case was the first to admit his feelings and made it much easier for me to open up to him. He said he hadn't told me 3 years ago because he was scared of a 2nd rejection. I would say you need to try and talk to him alone and let him open up to you. He is probably scared of rejection and is testing the water. Take it slowly and good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2012): You shouldn't do anything. If you aren't happy in your marriage you need to work on it or end it. Same with him. But don't be the other woman - be better than that.
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