A
female
age
51-59,
*urt95
writes:I have been dating a man for eight months. We live together and I feel we know each other quite well. He says he is very much in love with me. He's been divorced for more than 15 years and says he hasn't felt this way about another woman, since his first wife whom I know he loved. He talks about spending his life with me, growing old with me, buying a house in the future, etc. We make future plans together for trips, vacations, etc.. I've met his family and been around them many times. He's met mine and they adore him. I've met his friends, he's met mine. We have, for the most part, a beautiful friendship and relationship. I do really love him.However, the relationship hasn't been perfect. There have been a few bumps in the road that involved him having contact with an ex gf. He assures me he loves me and had no intentions of being with this woman. Supposedly, she was heavily pursuing him and he asked her to stop contacting him. She finally stopped and things seemed to be going much better for us. I choose to believe that he took care of the situation and I trust that he has.A few months ago he had me get on his phone to send an email to someone. I noticed there were a few emails that were private messages from a dating website. I went on the site but couldn't find his profile. A few days ago, I decided to look again. Once I took the "safe" mode off the site, I found his profile with no problem. When we first met, he was on a site and his profile was very detailed about what he was looking for in a special someone. It had many wonderful pictures. However, this new profile has no words at all. Just a profile pic, which is inappropriate, and his height and race. That's all. He has told me in the past that he's really happy with our relationship and that he's not looking to be with anyone else. But what reason would he have to be on a dating site? I do not believe he is looking to replace me or keeping his options open based on the makeup of the profile. If he were looking for a woman, his profile would be detailed. I know this. He is a very visual man and a part of me thinks he's doing this just to view women's photos. He is big into photography and loves taking pictures of women's bodies. However, he can see photos of women all day long without being on a "dating" site! I'm equally bothered that his profile picture is showing his "goods" for all the world to see and is a picture he took for me when he was out of town last Fall. I believe he has had this profile for quite a while since he has over 180 messages from various women. If he were on the site to talk to other women, I think this would be hard for him. He is very social but has difficulty with dirty or sex talk. To me, his profile indicates its all sexual since there's only the one picture and its not his face. He's not sexually dominant or aggressive. His libido is lower than mine and he says I wear him out physically, so what's the payoff for him to be on the site? It can't be because he is looking for more sex. And I really don't feel he would actually cheat on me.But I feel I cannot compete with these women. I have seen no evidence of him talking to any of these women yet it has taken a toll on my self esteem to where I feel I am not enough for him. He says I more than meet his needs as a woman, partner, and lover. He's had a number of "firsts" with me since I'm a bit more adventurous than he. So, if that's the case, why have an active profile up? Just a side note... he likes attention from the opposite sex. He's kind of flirty. Has lots of female friends, etc. Could this be his way of building his self esteem? He has told me he has esteem issues about his "size." Is this stroking his ego in some way? As his lover, I get the message to him loud and clear that I find great pleasure in his body and it's perfect for me. To me, this is all wrong and inappropriate and shows disrespect to me and our relationship. What say you?
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divorce, ex girlfriend, flirt, libido, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): Yes, he probably will spend the rest of his life with you. He will also probably spend the rest of his life online behind your back too. Confront him and he will only make different aliases and cover his tracks better. He will probably try turning it around on you when you tell him, ie snooping and privacy invasion etc. Believe me, get out of it.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 January 2012):
 Why did he need to send you a picture of his goods while he was away... you already had them.
Honey this is not a good thing at all...
I would rethink this.
if a man NEEDS the attention of other women (even if it's INNOCENT attention) and is secretive about it (because he knows he's wrong) then you need to think whether or not you can deal with this FOREVER becaue his needy ego won't stop NEEDING this attention.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): I cannot tell you what to do, but I will tell you what I would do. I would tell him what you know, and then say you have got everything printed out. Tell him if he lies to you only once, everyone he knows will receive copies and will then know about his dirty secret life. You are too good for him. Leave him to his online dating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): Just how many chances do you give an a/hole? You know what he does. Throw his ass out.
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A
female
reader, thinkb4  +, writes (11 January 2012):
He has told you he wants to be with you and no one else. Has he mentioned that on those sites? You can look for reasons and excuses forever. You don`t need proof to show him, he knows already. Of course he will lie, but there is no jury, you don`t need one because you already know. He is not a very safe bet in terms of a happy future.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): There is only one way forward. Dump the LOSER. You can do far better. He can't, that's why he's on those sites.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): Look one of my ex's was doing this shit and it doesnt go away EVER. I would find someone with more class and sophistication. Your partner is an embarrassment. They cannot be that much of a good catch otherwise they wouldnt need dating sites to cheat om you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2012): I agree with Tisha-1. And I think it's naive to think he is on that site purely for comments although I guess could be wrong. The only way to know for sure is to ask him, but he will probably not tell you the truth about why he's there. It's time to have a long talk and perhaps take a step back from this relationship. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (11 January 2012):
 If this were me, I would not discuss this with him immediately. If you bring up the fact that he has an account and you want to know why, he will most likely lie about it. I mean, how many men do you know that will make their true feelings and intentions known when caught? The most common response is to lie and deny in order to reel the woman back in. You say you have no proof of cheating, so you would be forced to believe whatever he had to say. Chances are, he would be a lot more weary of his phone messages around you and delete anything suspicious. He would undoubtedly delete his profile, but he could create new ones and you wouldn't find out either. So my suggestion is to keep your findings a secret and to set up a profile yourself. Don't give any indication that it is you and contact him like many of the women have. See for yourself what he actually uses his account for and then confront with with concrete evidence.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 January 2012):
 I say you may have moved in too quickly. Eight months of dating and you're already living together? Granted, there's a honeymoon period when you feel like you've found 'the guy' but obviously, there's a process of discovery and acceptance that happens as people get to know each other.
I think it is inappropriate that a guy who is living with his girlfriend posts naked pictures of himself for people to comment on, whether he has self-esteem issues or not. Asking strangers for affirmation of his physical attributes is really rather pathetic. I think possibly pathological might not be too far off the mark.
I think some honest, open, clearing the air conversations need to happen and you would be wise to consider some couples counseling. At the very least, you gain some insight into why he's doing what he's doing and then you can set some boundaries for what you both decide are the ground rules for your relationship. Some people don't think cyberchat/sexting is cheating. Beats me why they have decided that's okay but there you have it. Maybe he's in that camp, but you won't know until you discuss it with him. Getting a trained counselor as a mediator will help keep you both on track and work through these issues as a couple.
Me? I'd be asking him to move out and re-thinking the entire situation. Eight months and he's trolling for comments on his penis? Um. YUCK.
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