A
male
age
41-50,
*obbyv11
writes:I have really, really screwed up. For the past 3 months I have been tail spinning into a depression because of a job loss, money problems, and some unsettling medical news. I used to be a down to earth, level headed 31 year old guy that could get drunk and be happy. After the job loss I satrted drinking just to get hammered, after the medical news it got worse and worse (BUT of coarse I didnt see this). I got a new job, but the drinking didnt stop... I just didnt want to deal with the problems at hand because I assumed they would just go away... and here is where the real trouble begins:I have been dating what I can call the most fabulous person I have ever met for 5 months. This is a short relationship, but my feeling for her are deeper and more genuine than that of any girl I have ever met. 3 weeks ago I was mad at her and showed up at her house around 1:30am, and I was WASTED. Long story short, I blacked out and have no idea what I did, but she broke up with me. We talked this past weekened for the first time since and she told me she loved me so much but could never get back together with me. She said that while I was blacked out I grabbed and yanked on her arm, and then grabbed her by the throat. She had to go sleep with some good friends of hers (who are maybe late fourties in age) so they know what happened and they absolutly hate me (I cant blame them).I feel AWFUL. I have never hit/grabbed/abused a girl regardless of the situation in my life and I am having a hard time understanding how it got that far or even what I was thinking while I did it because I do not remember anything! I went to the doctor this week and am getting help for the depression. I quit drinking - unitl I can drink like a responsible adult, I do not belong doing it. I am also going to a therapist for both the depression and to talk about what I did to someone that has completly stole my heart. I am having a hard time living with myself right now, and feel like the BIGGEST scumbag. She said she loves me so much but cant trust me and never thought I would do this to her. I understand where she is coming from and can not argue with her thought process. I would do anything to take it back but thats not possible. I know as I fight the depression, all the reasons she fell in love with me will remained strong, but I fear I have runined it forever because I am/was a loser for the past few months. Is all hope lost here? Is there anything else I can do? Not only do I have to prove to her that this was an isolated incident, and that I AM getting help, but I have to prove it to her good friends. I am so lost and dissapointed in myself, at what point did I turn into a monster?
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broke up, drunk, fell in love, get back together, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2009): Hmm Monster no. Incredibly stupid yes.
Are you stupid now? No I don't think so - sounds to me like you are on the right track to recovery. So hope is not lost here. You can always do more - change all the things you don't like about you - if you smoke, give up. If you eat too much stop. If you want to skydive, go find out how. Change - only you can.
As to the woman - I agree with her - she is now scared of you. So you need to improve significantly for any chance of recovery. It could take years for that to take place and you have a long road to recovery. I would say to her look I have made a mistake and i am not going to be in touch for 6 weeks, while i start to heal. And then not be in touch until the time is up. then see how things are. If she still is not comfortable go away for a few months.
Do I think you will make it - yes! the fact you have made all the effort here, doctors etc. Go forward, change, don't make excuses.
Star.x.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (17 February 2009):
 You've realized your problems and are dealing with them, that's half the battle. This is going to take some time so be prepared for the long haul. Trust broken takes a long time to rebuild, she may be willing to get back with you in the future but for right now work on yourself and hope for the best. If she loves you I'm betting she will give you another chance down the road.
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A
male
reader, PeterPan +, writes (17 February 2009):
 I feel for you -- I can definitely connect with your troubles on many different levels.
OK, so it seems like you've got a handle on treating your depression and drinking issues, so I'll leave that for the professionals to assist you with. In regard to your (now ex) GF, it's obvious that there's been a loss of trust. Can you get it back? It's possible, but there are many factors at play here. First, you obviously need to regain her trust. This will most likely be a slow process and will take time. Don't force the issue -- let it progress at its own pace. If she's willing to speak with you on occasion or do neutral activities... walking around the park or something that definitely isn't in the presence of alcohol, the better. Express all that's on your mind (but constantly apologizing for it will do you the disservice of hampering your depressive recovery). I guess I'm saying that you (in a way) are starting from zero and have to rebuild the friendship and progress from there. It's not impossible, but it is going to be difficult.
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