A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, as a bloke who has decided to be chaste I find myself increasingly frustrated. I want to respect myself by staying chaste but my sexual drive is driving me mad. I find my self control wearing when I am cuddling and kissing my partner. I see myself proposing at early 20's suitable, but she might not see it the same way.I don't want to do something I'll regret.How do I deal with it?
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (20 May 2009):
 It's not just about the wedding but you cannot get a mortgage when you are both young and both a student. You need to be in a stable-ish position generally to live and have a start that the relationship deserves. I mean a normal/average start, not renting the crummiest bed-sit you can find. ie not living in one room, crampt. I am talking about the real practicalities of life (I don't and never will live in a lavish house but there is a difference between that and having an OK start when the time is right).
So waiting to get married is not just about the wedding, but affording to live and affording the rent/mortgage on a normal place.
Perhaps when you are both young in a relationship, you are not ready to get married too young either. Many people for that reason want to take their time, get used to eachother and be sure it's what they want by dating for a while. It takes time to get to know somebody, to know how they react when life's traumas arrive - all of which may not happen if you get married really early on, before you are ready. It's hard to know somebody fully until there has been some bad situation in their life - say work-wise or health wise, one of life's major events. That's when you really get to know somebody.
It's possible to rush into getting married, possibly to the wrong person because of the no sex before marriage. It's possible to marry too young, to somebody in retrospect you don't know well.
There are many factors that determine being ready for marriage. It's the how well you know eachother and the financial situation. I don't know your situation but many people meet at uni and it's not practical to get married when you are both a student for example.
Christians and non-christians who rush into marriage often find it doesn't last because in retrospect they decide they shouldn't have married that person.
I don't condone living together. I don't think that gets to know people either and that people can put on an act. I just believe in getting both your lives on track first, even if that means delaying it a year or two.
Based on the fact that there could be many practical reasons why people end up delaying getting married. That could make the no sex before marriage difficult, perhaps not impossible if you are determined.
It's more important that you get married when you are ready and the time is right, than get married sooner just so you can have sex.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2009): Fiona xxx hit upon an important issue, that some people can't afford to get married when they want to.
I think this is ludicrous. If you're ready to get married then get married. Marriages only cost a ton when we decide to make them cost a ton.
Putting off your life for several years so you can throw (other people) an extremely expensive party is not a good use of priorities. You are basically saying that you value the size & cost of the wedding more than the sanctity of keeping sex within marriage.
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A
female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (19 May 2009):
I think most people with a high sex drive do end up having sex and don't wait until marriage. Chaste also involves not having sexual thoughts I guess.
I assume you are a virgin and for religeous reasons expect to wait until marriage. I assume your girlfriend is religeous and a virgin too.
Would it be too bad if you had sex together, knowing that eachother is the only sexual partner?
Why are you worried that she won't see the proposal in the same way? In case she thinks it's rushing into marriage?
I do know christians who have had sex before marriage - say they have been together the best part of a year first. That way they knew it was serious and true love. Many people study and don't have the financial resources to get married as soon as they would like. Imagine 4 years of no sex while you wait until you have both completed your studies and have jobs - we were together that amount of time before we got married.
I guess the sex before marriage issue is often important to some people - as if it's the most important thing. As if by having sex you are hurting yourself or others. Life is more complex and it's other human behaviour that causes hurt.
People did try and persuade me in the direction of no sex before marriage. However initially it wasn't an issue because I was very young anyway. Once I was 18 there wasn't anybody I associated with who influenced me in that respect. It was a couple of years later (too late) when I knew a couple of people who came across that it was the most important thing, and that I could change now if I wanted. That wasn't possible. Once you have sex it changes you, but if you forsee yourself with the girlfriend forever at least you know you won't be having other lovers.
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